Smile, though your heart is… STONE.

I love a good life-affirming quote. They make my day. But when it comes to coming up with one, the only thing I’m affirming is that life, like the overall standard of my own positive statements, is a bit shit and mundane. For example- some genuis came up with ‘When life gives you lemons, make lemonade’, which is brilliant because its saying ‘Turn a negative into a positive’, but more dumbed down and yet smartened up. My attempt: ‘Ack, fuck it. You might as well give it a go. Who even says any of this is real anyway. Did you ever watch that film where Jim Carrey plays a man who doesn’t know his whole life is a TV programme? Well, something like that but the point is that you don’t even know this is reality. Now I’m worried- is any of this real? Sleep with one eye open from now on. With a bat at your bedside.’

Well, you get my point. I am terrible at likening my life to fruit or cats for the purpose of putting it into a context where misfortune can be shrugged of and made into something wonderful. Because I don’t really believe that you can ignore the bad parts of life sometimes. Pain and sadness are as legitimate a part of our life experience and we should embrace it- not to learn, but just to have, festering and feeding on our souls until death becomes us. In short, there is no quick fix cure for life’s bad parts- right?

WRONG! Last week, I read a self-help book that guarantees to fix all your problems by the time you’ve finished skimming the pages and making a mental note of all the people you are definately punching in the face once you’re back to Happy Bastardland. Basically, the book says if you just ignore that sometimes you are going to be a bit depressed and life is going to seem really awful, then you can live a life of blissful ignorance.

All thanks to my new self-help book, I have learned to deal with life’s monstrosities as follows:

How to cope with the death of a loved one: Don’t love anyone. Ever. Then you can’t be too cut up when they snuff it.

How to handle losing your job: Don’t get a job. Marry someone rich BUT REMEMBER, don’t love anyone. The secret to the success of this is having a continuous affair incase your first partner dies. Or if you like the second partner better, kill the first one. NEXT…

How to cope with illness: Helper monkey.

And so on. The secret is to stay aloof, detached from reality, in denial at all times and keep drinking, preferably via a drip to allow your helper monkey some much needed alone time.

This book is so good that I have bought two more copies in the space of a week for others who need to learn to bury their heads in the sand and/or stick their fingers in their ears and sing to the fucking heavens when faced with any conflict in life. With my recent purchases, bastard marketeers have put on me on Amazon’s ‘Suicidal’ mailing list, and my inbox has been overloaded with ‘Kill yourself for less this Valentine’s Day with Amazon’ messages. Every time I log into my account, Amazon recommends I buy 20 feet of rope and a cocktail of prescription pills. But do I worry? Nope. Why? Because I’m too busy cleaning monkey dung off my curtains.

Yay, I’ve just realised this blog can sort-of count as a life-affirming quote. Get in.

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