The art of songwriting is a difficult one. Even writing this pile of nonsensical ramble is quite challenging, and this doesn’t have to be squashed into verses, bridges and choruses with someone playing the banjo in the background. So you can only imagine a relief a songwriter must feels when he/she finds a muse to inspire the freeflow of lyrics. Ah, muses. Men and women whose behaviour has provoked inspiration so profound to translate into music. Who we all sing about when we sing along to the radio and don’t even know it. Whose shrine is carved in musicality for all eternity. Which brings me to the point of this blog: Muses I’d Like to Punch (MILPs).
First and foremost, I think we can all agree that the bastard who is responsible for the band ‘Train’ to sit down and vomit up the lyrics to ‘Drops of Jupiter’ deserves a good beating with an iron rod, both for inspiring the song and being the ultimate in douchey, whiney human beings. ‘Drops of Jupiter’ itself is so full of incoherent babble that I couldn’t even tell you if this song is actually a love song, as it could also be interpreted as a song describing a conversation about space travel or a man going to a nursing home to visit his ailing mother. Nevertheless, anyone who goes on a ‘soul vacation’ deserves a clout in the snout. And rhyming that line with ‘constellation’- really, Train, REALLY?
On the subject of MILPs from the ‘Easy Listening’ genre, the muse who inspired Matchbox 20’s 3am is a crying bastard of the highest proportions. I never understood how the fuck ‘she only sleeps when its raining’- is she an insomniac or is she just trying to be whimsical so that Matchbox 20 write a song about her? This is a breach of the ‘Muse Code’, which states whimsy is an accidental by-product of marching to the beat of your own pompous drum. To be fair, the person who wrote the song did not realise that in order to monitor the MILPs sleeping pattern, he himself was probably grabbing a bit of shuteye when the selfish bastard went to sleep- thus he only slept when it was raining too. Which makes only sleeping when its raining a mainstream act- thus nullifying whimsy associated with sleeping when its raining. Boom.
However, luck be a lady should she be chosen to feature in a song from the ‘pop/rock’ persuation, as these songs usually take trying too hard to be deep to another level of hilarity. Exhibit A: MILP from ‘Rock Show’ from Blink 182- she kept fishing for compliments (‘I fell in love with the girl at the rock show/she asked why and I told her that I didn’t know). You’re supposed to be one of those twatty Limp Bizkit slut-goths, asking someone to tell you that you’re pretty is not an act of your people. Exhibit B: MILP from ‘The Girl All the Bad Guys Want’ by breaking-the-shackles-of-a-learning-disability band ‘Bowling for Soup’. With her ‘listening to rap metal/turntables in her eyes’, I could happily hack her to death with a chainsaw and use her predictable safety pin nose-ring to pick my DNA out from underneath her fingernails lest police investigators suss that this wasn’t a crime of passion.
Crap, I’ve got ‘Bowling for Soup’ in my head now. Where’s my chainsaw?