There is no denying that the diet industry is incredibly lucrative. Even during a time when economic resources are scarce, you couldn’t swing a cat in the Red Herring concession in any given Debenhams without hitting several women rifling through the sale section to find clothes that are notoriously made a size too big. I even sat through a 3 minute advertisement on prime time television for Weightwatchers the other day, in which lots of sparkly shoe-clad women dance up and down the streets of London in celebration of their transition from ‘complaining about weight and doing fuck all’ to ‘complaining about weight and doing fuck all in 24 Weightwatcher points or under’.
Ahhhh Weightwatchers- a diet so cult-like that those on it spend their whole day talking about how great it is, only to get pissed too quickly on your ‘small glass of wine’ at the weekend and forcefeed yourself 4 kebabs with shots of house sauce, regain your 3 and a half stone and drag your lifeless corpse to Slimming World, where you do the same thing all over again, with the slight difference that you get more points on red days. Or something.
Thinkinggal is, for once, ahead of the game when it comes to diets, having devised my own diet- sorry, “lifestyle choice” a few years ago that I stick to religiously, and for a limited time only, I am going to share my diet secrets with the readers of this blog- which I suspect consists of my mother, the police department who deals with murders in the greater Liverpool area and aspiring serial killers.
My diet is called ‘The Self-Depreciation Diet” and, like the Dukan diet, is built in stages. I follow the same plan over the course of a month, and repeat again every month thereafter. Each stage is different and contributes to sustaining an overall balance of lifestyle, based on a mixture of self-loathing, irrational thoughts and general eating disorders. Now admittedly, Thinkinggal could be in better shape (after a few tins of Ambrosia Creamed Rice clubbed together and wrapped itself in a bit of red string and won first price in a ‘Thinkinggal in a Bikini’ lookalike contest- hint taken), but ”lifestyle choices” aren’t to be rushed. Now fuck off and stop making me feel bad about it.
Here’s how it works:
STAGE 1: FITNESS GURU (Days 1-5)
Hit the gym like fucking Rambo, giving it ninety on the treadmill and pumping your arms to the beat of ‘Maniac 2000’. Make sure to make it a competition with the ‘non-specials’ who surround you on the treadmill, out running every last one of the bastards and giving them an aul sneaky fingers as they drop off like flies. Go home every night and have your dinner on a tea saucer, portioned as though it was to feed a tiny squirrel who wasn’t very hungry. Feel amazing and tell yourself that from now on, things are going to change. You’re nobody’s bitch anymore. Keep repeating dillusional phrases and song lyrics about triumph over adversity to yourself.
STAGE 2: REPLENISHMENT (Days 6-14)
Hit a brick wall on Friday and have a small alcoholic beverage with dinner. Get pissed due to lack of food in system and start drinking wine straight from the box and then use the silver bag within as a tramp pillow. Go to Tesco and buy all junk food placed on the ends of each aisle, as this is the cheapest way to be a greedy bastard with absolutely no shame, eat it all on the way home ensuring your boyfriend doesn’t get a single sweet and then shout at him for being disappointed, because he called you ‘fat’ but not in so many words, with his eyes. Bastard.
Sit on the wall outside the gym and drunkenly shout abuse at the stupid bastard gym wankers taunting you with their presence.
Order yourself a chinese every night, making sure to note that all meals with noodles or rice in them are A SIDE ORDER and therefore count as a low calorie snack. Yes, this includes main meals. Oh and things that are battered too- they’re sides as well.
Always ensure you leave the tiniest bite of everything you eat back on your plate because then it means you haven’t ate it, e.g. leaving a nut from a King Size Snickers bar uneaten will negate all calories consumed prior because you didn’t eat it all, thus practically meaning you only had a bite, which is nothing really.
STAGE 3: DETOX (Days 15 9.00am to 9.30 am)
Even though the Replenishment stage of the diet helps you to fill your digestive system full of great, healthy food for the soul, detox is necessary in order to rid your system of nasty oxidents that even lurk in the best of foods. This might come as a shock, but its true.
Detox by not eating anything. Swear you don’t need to eat anything. All you need is nature- look at the beautiful world we live in. Everything is wonderful, calm and relaxing. Your system thanks you.
STAGE 4: REBUILDING FROM THE INSIDE OUT (Days 15 9.30am- 24)
Crash like a bastard and start raiding the cupboards for anything you can eat before you faint or die of the untreated diabetes that is festering in your system. Find a cola ice-pop right at the back of your freezer and shove it down your gullet before realising that it is actually a sachet of gravy from an old box of Limited Edition Microchips. Eat the bastard anyway. Eat flour, that mixes with your tears of distress and becomes floury-cry paste. Crumble a beef stock cube on a packet of dried noodles and eat them like Twiglets. Eat the sort of things an ravenous dog would turn his nose up at, lie on the kitchen floor and berate yourself for being a sorry excuse for a human being.
Have an ephiphany while lying on the floor that things could not get much worse and get on iTunes and download the Greatest Hits of Pink- who you slag off in front of everyone but secretly think her lyrics are like poetry that she stole from your head, the thieving bitch. Cry your big fat eyes out and sing along to ‘Just Like a Pill’ on repeat.
Don’t move from the house for days. You had a wee bit of a realisation and you need to heal, so everyone else can go fuck themselves. When your mother tries to pull you out from under what she describes as ‘clinical depression’, call a spade a spade and accuse her of being a jealous bastard that you’re doing well on your diet and she’s out running round the park like a fucking chump. The only time you get out of bed is to make yourself calming foods like Kebab Soup and Chip sandwiches made on soy bread because you’ve changed- from the inside out.
STAGE 5: PREPARATION (Days 25- End)
Rationalise your procrastination by saying that the month is nearly over. Ack fuck it, there’s no point in starting now. Might as well head down to the shop and buy a few doughnuts (which symbolise your new mantra to ‘focus on the doughnut, not the hole) and a King Size Mars Bar and a King Size Mars Ice Cream to ensure you are adequately fueled for the journey ahead of you next month. Have an extra large box of wine every night to celebrate the letting go of the old you, and the new you that is about to emerge, like a big bastarding butterfly from a cocoon of utter and complete fuckwhittery.
And then it all begins again. And this time, I’m keeping it off.
You’re welcome 🙂