As we make our way through life, it is inevitable that sometimes, no matter how hard we try, some bastard is going to eclipse the effort we made by being better. Whether this is in our professional lives, academically, socially or personally, we all know someone who we outwardly applaud for their flawless performance and excellent example, yet wouldn’t think twice about murdering them if we could evade imprisonment and resultant shower gang rape. However, mastering the art of being a good sport when someone beats you (because life IS a competition, and people who say it isn’t are too scared to compete- chumps) is an incredibly valuable resources because it makes you look graceful while also sticking two fingers up to the overachieving fucker who did better than you, which is kind of like winning in itself. Ha.
Anyway- here are some ways in which you can achieve the appearance that you don’t care that someone’s doing/ has done a bit better than you, when you would rather just get a pair of scissors and cut them out of your life entirely:
Named after the Fleetwood Mac song ‘Songbird’, this easy and satisfyingly bitchy and callous move involves suffixing every congratulatory statement made to your frenemy with the words ‘FOR YOU’ (because these words are used frequently throughout, and every time I hear the song I want to slay Fleetwood Mac in the street for disrespecting me- wankers). The Songbird implies to the achiever that their achievements are only good for them because they are seriously damaged. Zing.
Achieving Belittler status is a tricky, yet incredibly satisfying act when wanting someone to feel that, despite doing incredibly well, they just aren’t a good enough human being and should commit suicide immediately to do the whole world a favour. For example- when someone does better in an exam than you, a Belittler would say, ‘What result did you get? 98%? Yeah, that’s good FOR YOU. That’s great how you can just regurgitate all of someone else’s original thoughts like that, you must have one empty brain to be able to take in all that information. My problem is that I struggle to concentrate because I’m always thinking about my various commitments to my busy life- you’re so lucky to have so much free time.’
A guaranteed way to negate other people’s achievements, thus making the fact that you failed while they succeeded smaller in your own deranged, petty mind is to train yourself to prefix their achievements with the word ‘wee’, or even better ‘ach, your wee’. To put this into context- I have spent the last few years travelling to some of the world’s most epic places, and nothing makes me feel worse about the fact I have spent my 20s doing this rather than engaging in a cycle of producing endless horrible, smaller, more damaged versions of myself and getting married to a man who has said he (quote) ‘does not want to marry me’ (the fact that he uses the word ‘yet‘ in their somewhere is irrelevant- the callous bastard has stole the best years of my life and does he want to put a ring on it? Does he fuck.) is when people ask me ‘Ach how’s your wee travelling going? Your wee travelling is great, good FOR YOU for doing the wee travelling before you get old and decrepid and die. It’s not for me personally, I have better things to do and people who want me around, but its good FOR YOU and your wee life. Achh.’
A great way to be a good sport in your own mind is to ignore the achievements of others because you simply cannot deal with the fact that others move on and progress while you spend every night crying into your tin of cold baked beans and wondering if your neighbours will loot your house before alerting anyone to your death 7 weeks ago that they only discovered because of the stink your rotting corpse was giving off. Of course, in the Ignorer’s mind this scenario is translated as ‘a commitment to getting some of your five-a-day and being an independant woman’. The art of being an Ignorer is to ensure that you NEVER acknowledge other peoples’ successes- when they talk about them, turn the TV volume up and drown the bastard out, leave the room or stick your fingers in your ears and sing loudly until they stop talking. Bastard.
THE NEXT STEPPER
Constantly reminding those who have just done better than you of other, bigger achievements that they have yet to master is an excellent way to say ‘Your life is still a fucking failure’, and in the case of the Next Stepper, the more outlandish, random and unjustifiable the comment, the better. For example, when someone has a baby and you are childless and alone, congratulate them by saying, ‘Well done FOR YOU, personally, I don’t know how one could settle down without a swimming pool. But then again, I suppose you can’t afford it what with being poor.’ In doing this, you can actually justify your own shortcomings as being a ‘good friend’. That person will definately attribute their successes in life to you pushing them to achieve better. Yes.
The Saboteur is the only proactive way to be a good sport when you are really a cold, unfeeling cunt, because it involves actively ensuring your rivals never achieve their goals by sabotaging their efforts. On the sly. For example, if your friend is trying to get pregnant, lace her tea with crushed up contraceptives. The Saboteur also has the added bonus that, in secretly mentally abusing someone, you can also be their knight in shining armour when you swoop in and accompany her to resulting fertility treatment or be her shoulder to cry on (remember to justify this in your own mind that she would be a bad mother anyway). Hey, maybe she’ll even choose you as her ‘plus one’ when she goes on Jeremy Kyle to relay her plight to the public. You fucking star!
Well, there you have it- six ways in which you can start your journey on the road to being a good sport.
In hindsight, I should have called this ‘How to Cut Down Your Lifestyle Costs By Living In Prison.’