I hate Lady Gaga. There, I said it.
For those of you fortunate enough to have died/fucked off to a deserted island for the last few years, thus not having been made aware of her existence, she’s somewhat of a superstar, and has a international gaggle of fans who gasp in shock and look horrified when you seem indifferent to what they think is ‘brilliance‘, and therefore I have always retreated back into the closet at the first sign of letting slip that I actually think she’s an untalented bastard. Here’s why:
Primarily, wearing fucking edible clothing does not make you ‘deep‘. It makes you WASTEFUL and ignorant to the fact that there are starving people all over the world who could have barbecued your dress and had a very nice lunch, you absolute arrogant tosser. This also goes for her other, stupid choices of outfit, such as the big silky tea-cosy dress (why?), net face covers (now seriously, what the fuck? Are you a beekeeper?) and big glittery triangle boob-representers stuck on to tops (general fuck.). The worst part is that those dedicated to fucking together a few scraps of twat-garbage and making it into a dress have now been renamed ‘House of Gaga’ when really all they are is a few homeless people doing an honest 20 minutes of work in exchange for crack.
See, that’s the thing about Lady Gaga- there’s a fine line between art and just some random shit sellotaped to a canvas, but if you say its art so many times with absolute conviction and no trace of a smirk whatsoever, fucking dumb fuckbags are going to echo your bullshit and also say its art while secretly not understanding what in sweet fuck you are talking about. I call this ‘The Emperor’s New Clothes Effect’, as much like all of the villagers not wanting to appear stupid by saying the Emperor was naked, members of the public wholeheartedly celebrate Lady Gaga for being a ‘genius‘, when in fact she’s just your average Slut McAttentionSeeker. Nothing she does hasn’t already been done by a whore out on Hallowe’en night in an outfit from Ann Summers. Because consider this, Little Monsters, if her outfits were art, why are they always conveniently cut to just below arse-crack level?? Is art secretly celebrating the female form of closeted anorexics? Well, um, yes, but… NO- she’s just a fucking twat.
Which leads me to my next point- calling your fans ‘Little Monsters’. Oh my god, this takes my dislike to a whole new level. Better not sleep with a pick-axe in my bed, incase I start sleep-walking to Lady Gaga’s house and hit her in the face with it. Why must you label your fans? Why can you not just call them fans? Is it some sort of patronising record company ploy to create a sense of community within your fans, thus encouraging them to buy more of your gormless face-adorned concert shit? To be fair, if I HAD to pick which set of fans had to die first, I would happily and wholeheartedly pick Beliebers (I would actually lend a hand and just start shooting them myself). For those of you in a coma after being in an accident that deafened you and also stopped your brain from receiving thought, Beliebers are Justin Bieber fans- the scariest and most likely to kill for sport of all fans of shit kiddy ‘artists’ (!) of today- they dominated my Twitter feed for the whole of Valentine’s Day with posts such as ‘Your boyfriend gets you flowers for Valentine’s Day, mine is writing me an album #justinismyvalentine’. Like, holy fuck. No, my boyfriend bought me flowers because HE’S REAL, WE’VE MET BEFORE, HE KNOWS I EXIST and I’M NOT LIKELY TO HAVE A LOCKET FILLED WITH HIS OLD HAIRS. Yeah, I said NOT LIKELY, so fuck off.
I’ve just realised that I have yet to comment on Lady Gaga’s actual music, but then again, no-one ever does. I rarely hear anyone say that her songs are good, but constantly hear remarks on her various attention seeking ploys packaged up and marketed as ‘eccentricity’. Can I just point out that the definition of ‘eccentric‘ is ‘Unconventional or slightly strange behaviour’, not ‘Trying far too hard to be weird because being weird gets you more attention’. If everybody’s weird, then nobody is weird- ever thought of that, Gaga? What are you going to do then- walk about in jeans and a cardigan with a… PLAIN BAG?!? Even then, I suspect that the vapid, soulless dicks running today’s popular cliques, sorry, fashion magazines would call it ‘revolutionary’.
To be fair, some of her songs are alright. Ish.
But even still, its hilarious watching the glittery face net masking Gaga’s facial rage of Adele’s whooping the shit clean out of her at the Grammys. Adele is the antithesis of Lady Gaga- unpretentious, down-to-earth and genuine, with neither a bell nor whistle in sight to spruce up her artistry.
I bet Lady Gaga is shitting herself. Oh, not because of Adele- she’s just making another dress.