Interacting via the medium of social networking is a relatively new concept for most of us, and as such, common ‘Facebook etiquette’ has yet to be established. However, considering that (ideally) we know the people that we interact with, we have a vague idea of how to behave online. But for all of you big fucking maniacs out there who have no idea how to conduct yourselves, here are my 10 Facebook Don’ts:
1. DON’T TALK ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE
For the love of God, please stop talking about your sex life. It’s making me get vomit all over my top. Think about it: would you stand up in front of everyone you know and snorty laugh while spluttering through all of the unsavoury details of your own private relationship. No? Well then, don’t do it in a place where your mother can read it. She pretends she can’t see it but she probably can and it haunts her. And don’t kid yourself that you’re just being a ‘bit cheeky’ (eurgh) and just having a bit of a laugh- no one wants to know. NO ONE.
2. DON’T UPLOAD PICTURES OF YOURSELF POSING NAKED
This might come as a shock to you, but you’re not a model. You’re kind of pasty, and need better lighting. And your bedroom needs decorated as though it isn’t 1992 with your jazzy curtains and shitty boarder- hang on, is this even your house or are you in some sort of sex dungeon? You need not feel the need to satisfy societal demands of asthetic perfection. Or if you do, at least invest some of that time in the gym stealing yourself a new towel, because the one you’ve draped your ‘nads in could do with a wash. You’ve put me off my cottage cheese, you inconsiderate bastard.
3. DON’T CHECK IN AT YOUR BED
There is absolutely no need for you to check yourself in at ‘Bed’, unless you like alerting burglars that your house is now easy pickings. Funnily enough, I kind of guessed that when it gets dark, humans sleep. I know, it’s like a sixth sense. Hashtag Mystic Meg.
4. DON’T BE FUCKING STUPID- THERE’S NO APP THAT REVEALS YOUR STALKERS
The only thing you achieve by deluding yourself and indulging in anything that promises to tell you if your old boyfriend/girlfriend is weeping over your photos, ‘Look at what you could’ve won’ style, is looking a total cunt. Spoiler alert- the only people who can be arsed sifting through your sticky wall are the people who hate you, the people that like you and your mother (in my experience anyway). That’s it. No one else gives a fuck.
5. DON’T KID YOURSELF- YOUR LIFE IS DULL
How many times do you have to give me a run down of your day? The only use I have for the details of where you are going all day, is as a warning for where to avoid. The truth is that we don’t know what counts as newsworthy in the world of Facebook- but if it’s too boring to say out loud without being swallowed by a yawn, it’s too boring to state on Facebook. I have little use for a fucking play-by-play of leaving your bin out every Wednesday or when you are doing your ironing. Keep this shit to yourself.
6. DON’T BE FOOLED INTO THINKING OTHERS ARE HAPPIER THAN YOU
And if they pretend that they aren’t, they’re fucking liars. Unfortunately, as we get older, the realisation that life is a depressing, meaningless load of bollocks where we all repeat the same mistakes our parents did, have children who resent us, work in a soul destroying job and look forward to death hits us like a ton of bricks. We try to lie on Facebook- jazz up our lives with the odd holiday snap with our ugly faces photoshopped so people can’t see that our eyes are red raw from crying, document our lives with a series of ‘Check Ins’, and update our statuses’ with shit like ‘I’m happy :)’ (Acting Happy, Feeling Crappy). But the truth is, we are all miserable bastards. Look at my Facebook for example- looks normal, doesn’t it? But am I happy? Of course I’m not happy. I hate everything. I complain constantly. I wish I was never born.
7. DON’T ‘LIKE’ MY COMMENTS WHEN I’VE ASKED YOU A QUESTION
This is my Facebook pet hate. I don’t mind if I’ve just made some sort of universal statement- it’s fine to ‘like’ my comment then because there is really nothing else to say. But don’t ‘like’ my comment when I’ve asked ‘How are you?’ or some other attempt at conversation. If I asked you this in real life, would you stand in silence just patting me on the head like a dog? No? Because ‘liking’ my comment is the mother fucking equivalent, you cheeky cunt.
8. DON’T ALLOW YOUSELF TO POST WHEN DRUNK
People who use their drunkeness to excuse their anti-social behaviour are fucking pricks, and just like the eyes are the window to the soul, drunk ramblings hold some sort of truth for the unhappy individual so devoid of friends that they spend their ‘party time’ online. Think about it like this: your Facebook audience is your family, friends, aquaintances, work colleagues, school friends and the bastards who added you even though you never really liked each other. Would you stand in a room and drunkenly ramble on while they all stared at you in silence, aghast while you ugly-cry, laugh demonically and state cryptically that SOME people can go fuck themselves… you know who you are… big bastards… I hate you. *sad face, winky face, open mouthed face. No, you would not, because in real life, this would be an intervention for your impending nervous breakdown.
9. DON’T ADD ME TO SEE WHAT I’M UP TO, THEN DELETE ME
If you don’t like me or I ‘did something to you’ years ago, don’t worry about seeing how miserable my life is up close. Move the fuck on. Get over it. There’s nothing to see here. Don’t make me think you’re a class act who extends the hand of friendship when I didn’t, and then take it away. Prove to me that you’re not the petty dickhead I thought you were, or leave me alone. Don’t hover around my virtual door like a fucking stalker- man the fuck up, you silly bastard.
10. DON’T ASK ME TO WATER YOUR FARMVILLE CROPS, YOU LIFELESS CUNT
Take your fucking virtual farm and shove it right up your joyless rectum.
So there you have it, folks- 10 Facebook Don’ts aiming to minimise drama and general chaos in your life- to your face and behind your back.
I bet my Facebook friend numbers will reduce quicker than the lights on Take Me Out when Josef Fritzl comes down the Love Lift.