During the last six months, Thinkinggal and her lucky boyfriend have manned the fuck up like two fully functioning adults and moved in together. Alone. I say alone because we spent a large proportion of the last few years living with my parents while saving up to go travelling- how that did not result in the death of anyone, I do not know, but I will happily dance on their graves later on in life. Cunts.
Anyway, things are going well considering the transition from I-look-ok-in-the-mornings-and-I’m-mostly-chirpy-and-normal to I’m-a-fucking-monster. Our co-habitation is strictly optional, not because of an accidental pregnancy, marriage of convenience (I think) or the terror of being alone, which is pretty remarkable considering our beginnings. We even got ourselves a plant that we love like a child. Things are looking great. Positive statements.
Except for one thing. It’s nothing really. I don’t even know why I’m mentioning it, but I will anyway because it has got nothing to do with me.
My boyfriend has started screaming in his sleep.
See- nothing to worry about. I mean, does his scream disregard societal expectations of masculinity to the extent that it sounds like a little girl being tortured? Somewhat. Does it terrify me? Sure. Do our neighbours think we have a dungeon where we chop people up? Probably. But nothing to worry about. Stop looking at me strangely.
Anyway, I know it’s not my fault that he periodically terrorises himself awake, because I’m a relationship genius and a swell gal to have around the house, like some sort of modern day Trevor from Trevor and Little Mo. I cook, I clean, I work out, I (sort of) haven’t (really) let myself go (yet), I’m a catch for people with low to mid standards. I have no idea why that selfish bastard keeps screaming in his sleep.
Yet I’m still trying to get to the bottom of it- call me crazy but I care too much, I’m that sort of selfless being. It started when we moved in together, so that doesn’t really tell me much. I’m the last person he talks to before he goes to sleep- but that could mean anything. I even asked him was I the reason for his night terrors, and he said, ‘Yes’. That jokester. So I still have no idea.
To re-iterate, I’m a relationship genius. The secret to a successful relationship is to have a sense of humour, and as many in-jokes as possible. For me and my man-friend, we have a few crackers- such as him flinching and crying when I give him a hug, his desperate pleas for me to ”put the knife down” and the hilarious hours upon hours he spends packing up his belongings and pretending to leave me while I tell him I’ll kill myself if he does and frame him for my murder, after which he goes back in the house and unpacks his stuff. Side-splitting! Well, this ain’t the rehearsal, kids.
I pride myself in my ability to always push my partner to achieve more, in the hope that later on in life, he feels that he did an adequate job. To achieve this, I tell him he’s inadequate on every level and poke holes in everything he achieves until he feels like a massive failure. I do it because I care.
Now, I’m not going to deny that we have our scraps. Yes, like any other couple, we fight. We get annoyed. We throw things and frequently end up in A&E. Occasionally, they have to separate us, and sometimes people say ‘Miss, stop throwing petrol around and put your matches away’. Yes, things happen. Fire spreads. But its important to remember that airing your grievances is healthy and sustains the relationship, and to ensure that all cameras have been bashed in with a baseball bat when you start burning that motherfucker down. Don’t seeth silently on opposite ends of the sofa because your boyfriend ‘stole’ your twenties- tell him you hate him and demand your life back. Tell him you wish he died in the taxi on the way to the bar on the night you met. And then start having an affair with someone you wouldn’t usually dream of associating with for a bit of attention. After all, making time for others when you are in a serious relationship is important.
In addition, the physical side of your relationship is important too. Try to put aside some time weekly to beat your partner. I like to throw shoes and accuse him of ‘wanting to be hit because he should have moved out of the way’. Although women beating men is becoming more recognised as a legitimite form of domestic violence, it is likely that your male partner will feel emasculated and as such, will not tell anyone.
Anyway, with such a healthy union I am still no closer to figuring out why my boyfriend has night terrors. But he should think himself lucky that I care so much, the ungrateful bastard.