As it turns out, my article ‘Ten Facebook Don’ts For The New Facebook Etiquette’ was a big hit. At least I think it was, but my mother has a cruel streak and the 200 hits it got last week could have just been her clicking the link and laughing maniacally. Oh well, I’ll get her back when I pick her nursing home.
Anyway, I thought I should write this article to address the need festering out there for list of suggested ‘Dos’ for all us Facebookers kept awake with the fear that saying the wrong thing will somehow result in the words ‘Die, Bitch’ being sprayed across your house. The succesful strategic management of your Facebook can brilliantly stick it to all the bastards you felt belittled by throughout life when they see how ballin’ you are as an adult. In hindsight, the word ‘ballin’ must only be funny when I say it in person because I’m a white woman, so scrap that.
To be fair, beyond a means of social interaction, Facebook is mostly used as a vehicle for bragging that you aren’t the failure you were predicted to be. It is the online equivalent of going to your high school reunion and hoping to Christ someone asks you what time it is so you can swipe your fake Rolex in front of their big wanker face. Ha ha ha ha (maybe if I keep laughing, people will think I’m happy).
Ok, so here are my Ten Facebook Dos For The New Facebook Etiquette.
1.DO TALK ABOUT HOW WONDERFUL YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS
Having a wonderful relationship implies that another human being wants to interact with you. It implies you are predominately happy, and do not crying your big loner self to sleep every night. It implies that someone finds you beautiful. It makes you fit in, and by fuck, you need to fit in.
2.DO WRITE ‘MAIL X’ ON THE WALL OF PRIVATE MESSAGE RECIPIENTS
And I promise you, every one of your mutual friends will be dying to know what is contained in that little oracle of truth. They’ll wonder what scandalous gossip you’ve overheard, probably whilst at the Ambassador’s reception, eating Ferrero Rocher and drinking champagne, laughing like a big posho and wearing an expensive dress. PMing your friends adds allure to your scrawny little life, and in your own demented mind, you’ve got some sort of secret worth knowing. It doesn’t matter that you’ve PMed your friend to tell her that your arse-rash cleared up- people will think you’ve got some sort of secret glamourous life that they know nothing about. Evil laugh.
3.DO EMBELLISH THE TRUTH
Embellish the fuck out of the truth like a Rhinestone Cowboy, until the truth is a tiny speck in a mass of bells, whistles, lights and general tack. We all get a new job now and again, so merely saying ‘Yay, I just got a new job’ on Facebook will not make others feel bad enough about their own lives to envy you and wish you were dead (the ultimate achievement). Instead, say ‘OMGGGGGGGGGG Just got the job of my dreeeems, Sooooooooo happy!!!!! Loving life #yayme’. Going on holiday? ‘LOL Sooooooooo excited to be on hollllllllllsssssss wohoooooooo bring on da sunshine’ (incidentally, a daily countdown from a reasonable time such as fifty days prior to your holidays is so much fun for the rest of us, and don’t forget to check yourself in on Facebook at the airport, you gormless cunt).
4.DO CONSIDER THE TRAIN OF EXPOSURE
If you are going to lie on Facebook, you must consider that people who know the truth can see your lies and can expose you at any time. For most, the ‘Train of Exposure’ runs through close friends and family, who see through your charade of happiness right through to your weary, downtrodden soul. My solution is to throw them a bone now and again in the form of a ‘Like’ for all of their stupid bastard statuses and write ‘Gorgizzz’ under pictures of their ugly faces. That’ll shut them up.
5.DO PHOTOSHOP YOUR PICTURES
Hey you. Are you the sort of person who has ‘a great personality’? If so, you are not alone. Like you, I am a ‘funny gal’, I also get told I’m ‘beautiful inside (awkward silence)’. I try to minimise my collosal bingo wings in the ‘hand on hips’ pose and hide my teeth to de-serialkillerify my creepy smile. But I am still one ugly bitch. Therefore, I need Photoshop. I need a camera feature that blurs out the ugliness on my face. Photoshop yourself to within an inch of your hideous life, until the fusion of your mother and father milk-turning ugliness (here’s to you, Rumer Willis) is nothing more than Heidi Montag post-eleven surgical procedures in one day. In fact, you might be best just photoshopping her face onto your body, and her body over your body.
6.DO TAG OTHERS IN BAD PICTURES
And watch while they try and take it on the chin. It’s hilarious, and a lose/lose situation for the unfortunate ugly bastard because if they de-tag, they look like a shallow fucker, incapable of taking a joke. If they don’t, people can see them at their lowest ebb and have something to sneer at behind the safety of an anonymous computer screen, like the big boys they are. Hashtag goodtimes.
7.DO BE VIGILANT FOR INTERNET PREDATORS POSING AS JUSTIN BIEBER TYPES
If you’re the type of parent who allows their underage child to have a Facebook in order to gain access to a world of online rapists and child molesters, then pat yourself on the back- you are an excellent guardian. Ok, so most online predators are actually police investigators posing as paedophiles posing as teenagers, but even still, it could get you in trouble and you might have to go to court. And could you really be arsed going the whole way to court in your pyjamas? Set and match, my negligent friend, set and match.
8.DO RE-POST CHAIN STATUSES
These are incredibly informative and I appreciate those who take the time to enlighten others of on-going struggles in the wider world. For those of you who have no idea what I’m taking about, here’s an example: ‘Did you know that every year, four and a half people are killed by snake on a plane related injuries? Snakes are a wily predator, so when added to a plane they are extra dangerous. The next time you open your overhead bin, spare a thought for others who haven’t been lucky enough to open their overhead bin and enjoyed the time to spare a thought because they were eaten by a snake. This epidemic must end. This week is National Day of Snake on a Plane Awareness Hour. Please re-post or I’m not your friend.’ How useful. Thank you re-posters.
9.DO STRATEGICALLY CHOOSE YOUR PRIVACY SETTINGS
Having your page set as ‘private’ is great because it suggests to other that you are one classy bastard who needs not shout their life (albeit with modifications to make it unshit-friendly) from the virtual rooftop. Oh and when job hunting, its best to keep your crazy bastard exposure to a minimum. But Facebook now has a new feature in which you can make some posts private, and others public. As a general rule: your shit statuses about your actual life and ugly photos that show your ”natural beauty”- keep them private. Statuses about your made up fantasy life in which you have a great, well paid job you love, a partner you still find attractive and children you don’t want to leave on the steps of your local orphange, and the photos with your ugliness photoshopped to reveal beautiful, fake Heidi Montag you- stick them on ‘Public’. And by ‘Public’. The people who hate you enough not to add you as a friend but still visit your page to occasionally sneer at your existence will thank you.
10.DO BE CRYPTIC WHILE BITCHING ABOUT OTHERS
Sometimes we all need to let off a bit of steam and have a bit of a scathing bitching session through Facebook. The key is to refer to the person who has annoyed you as ‘SOME PEOPLE’. Then in addition to being a passive aggressive human being, you also look like a Billy No-Balls. And because others who scour your wall for any sign of anything interesting can’t empathise with you, you also look like a big over-reacting psychopath. However, I would like to point out that Facebook is an incredibly appropriate place to air your grievances because a) it’s very private and b) the world and his wife can’t see your page, and judge you accordingly.Oh and while you’re at it, you might as well adorn your Facebook wall with cheeky cunt-isms in the form of non-rhyming poetry, a la Bebo, such as ‘dA pIcTuReS nEvA cHaNgE bUt Da PpL iN dEm Do’. That’ll show ’em.
And so another one of my sanctimonious rambles draws to a close. However, I would like to point out that I am living proof that adhering to these rules ensures people only call you a cunt behind your back and rarely to your face- hello, Easy Street. You are welcome.