Four Beauty Tips Guaranteed To Make You More Beautiful

I like to take care of myself. People constantly say ,’Oh my god, you’re so beautiful.’ ‘How do you get your hair so shiny?’ ‘What skin regime keeps your face so youthful?’ ‘How do you stay in such great shape?’ to Kim Kardashian. Which is why I can’t stand her- bitch.

As I have mentioned several times previously, I ”have a great personality”. Not one of you bastards left me a comment to say, ‘ach, you’re not as ugly as you think’. Well, FUCK YOU ALL.

And it isn’t just me. Us gals and guys are never satisfied with our looks, which is why the beauty industry has grown during the last few years when most other industries are doing the business equivalent of Martin Lewis’s Drop A Brand Challenge- which incidentally, seeing as I haven’t got a pot to piss in, I’m doing the ‘Drop a Brand Challenge’ myself and I’ve discover that Tesco ‘own brand’ peanut butter isn’t half bad. Mother, I hope you’re reading this- pat yourself on the back, you’ve raised a savage.

Anyway, being the modern day Little Match Girl has forced me to get creative when it comes to beauty, and I am going to share my four beauty tips with you so that you can, one day, be as beautiful as Kim Kardashian Laura Linney.

1. Change up your routine

It is a widely known fact that you should change up your beauty regime with the aim of ‘shocking’ your skin/hair/body with new products. I like to achieve this by shocking myself at how depressing my life is. Much like Madonna, who is known to source her skincare products from a place where the sun doesn’t shine in Japan (something to do with the mud, my internet source gushes), I operate a strict policy in order to ensure I am in tip-top condition. I source my products from Tesco Metro aisle-ends, known for their ‘cheap as fuck’ and ‘grim’ properties. My skin is always shocked at how poor I am, and always radiates a rosy glow by being embarrassed by how paltry and few my achievements are.

2. Pick an icon and ‘pay tribute’ to their style

I have often been praised for my unique style, but I must confess that I have actually based my look on an icon from yesteryear. Death row hottie, Aileen Wuornos had the ability to put her own style stamp on any generic look, whether it was 80’s prostitute, 80’s lesbian or 80’s serial killer. Inventor of the fullet (female mullet)? Aileen Wuornos. First person to rock crotchless dungarees? Aileen Wuornos. Slutifier of the orange prison jumpsuit? Aileen Wuornos. I have long been an avid student of fashion-icon Aileen Wuornos, and regularly leave my locks unwashed for days on end to achieve her ‘unwashed mullet of a homeless prostitute’ look. On occasion, I have been known to go out in a top covered in stains a la Aileen ‘drinking for free at a Floridian watering hole in exchange for sexual favours’. But it isn’t all glamour. At home, I adhere to a dressy/casual code, much like Aileen ‘on the straight and narrow by attending an interview for a lawyer job, not realising you need qualifications and more on your CV than ‘Prostitute for teen/adult life’. Aileen Wuornos- Style Icon, and Queen of our Hearts.

3. Be comfortable

Beauty literature does not have the luxury of seeing me au naturelle, which is why it is always spouting absolute bollocks that women look best when they are comfortable and freshed face. And by best, they mean an army of hairless, rashy panda babies. Yes, that’s right, male reader- she wasn’t born with it, it was fucking Maybelline. Therefore, you may as well throw on things that make you comfortable, seeing as life is futile anyhow. For me, this means pyjamas. I love pyjamas. Flannel ones, mis-matched ones, holey-crotch and armpit ones, aspiring silk but really 5% sateen Primark ones- by Christ, I love them like the Amish love humility. There is currently a bit of a movement in which wearing your pyjamas out in public has become a societal norm. I support this movement, because I am a secret tramp. I shoehorn my obesity into jeans and jackets, but in truth, I want to let it all hang out in pyjamas, Crocs and a packet of cigarettes for a handbag. I envy women who have the confidence to carry off this look, as I, too, would love to buy more scratchcards, get into a brawl on Mother’s Day that started over a dirty look and possess a palette delicate enough to truly appreciate ‘kebab on chips’. Colour me fucking gutted, I can but dream.

4. Less is more

For all you sceptics out there who don’t agree that ‘Less is more’- two words- ‘Jodie Marsh’. Jodie Marsh has lower self-esteem than the entire audience of Loose Women combined. So what does she do? She trawls around sex shops to find plastic attire with the aim of attracting muscular simpleton males with whom reality TV ‘gold’ is made. Yes, he beats her when he’s trying to come off the steroids, but then she drags her battered carcass to Heat magazine to sell her story. She wears the sort of make-up that a drag queen would describe as ‘too drag-queeny’, but she probably keeps Superdrug’s ‘Miss Sporty’ range in business- thank you for stimulating our economy, Jodie Marsh . She is solely responsibly for the slutification of today’s youth, which is arguably linked to increased promiscuity and higher teen-pregnancy and abortion rates- like a fucking icon. Jodie Marsh- Icon of our time. So what I am saying is, less self-esteem really is more.

Well, I hope these tips are of some help to you in your quest for aesthetic perfection. It’s a hard slog, but well worth it to find a man who loves you for your looks and then leaves you when you start to decay. Gravy train!

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12 thoughts on “Four Beauty Tips Guaranteed To Make You More Beautiful

  1. helen says:

    Very funny… I often rock these looks too!

  2. behnnie says:

    The hell?? I found this post through a “body image” tag search and it’s hilarious and awesome. So how were there no Likes before mine and only one reader comment so far?? That’s ridamndiculous! You know what? You have a great personality AND you’re not as ugly as you think.

    • Thank you for reading!!! i know, people dont appreciate me at all, I am a dirt on the shoe of humanity… thank you soooo much for your lovely comments, i really appreciate it- you are lovely, and have made my day! 🙂

  3. Linnie says:

    Well. I simply must make you famous and have you write a daily column, present aspirational daytime TV shows and create your very own make up range for my own entertainment.

    Never stop doing this.

    • hahaha i’d love this, i already have my own scent ‘eau de easyjet’ and my own facial make-up range which is essentially just lots of brown paper bags to hide my hideousness in- im halfway there! thanks so much for reading!

      • Linnie says:

        Then thethinkinggal you simply must take this product straight to the Selfridges buyers.

        May I suggest a tag line ‘Discover the new bag collection full of Brightening Nudes and if you happen to light a tab you really will look like you’re lit from within, because you will be.

      • well, if i must, then i must!
        what a delightful tagline, fans of loose women will love this new development in the tartpaint industry. shall i also develop a range for night-time also? im sure pat butcher enthusiasts would love a new line of pink blushers and blue eyeshadow to snag themselves a seedy visit to the pub back alley? tagline ‘colour yourself dirty, for your inner slut’.

  4. Amanda says:

    Brilliant miss 🙂 And thank you from the bottom of my heart for putting into words far better than I ever could, the shambles that is Jodie Marsh. Hope she doesn’t see this, she will kick my fuck in! x

  5. Lisa Cullen says:

    Loving the post ….make me fell good…YOUR NOT AS UGLY AS YOU FEEL Thinking Gal!!!

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