Candle in the Curse

After celebrity, journalist and all round beaut, Elissa Corrigan read my blog, she suggested that I should stop cursing.

My mother is delighted by this after having repeated this exact instruction to me for the last 13 years.

So I am going to give it a go and try to give it up*, seeing as I like to hide behind cursing because I think my writing style is rather depressing and unhilarious without it. Of course, not to miss out on a chance to be dramatic, I am bidding farewell to my old ways through the medium of song, as below.

Candle in the Curse (To the tune of ‘Candle in the Wind’, by Elton John)

Goodbye, vulgar mouth

Now I don’t know myself one bit

I must find a new identity

Or be exposed as an unhilarious tit

Started swearing back in school

To imply I was hard as nails

Should have smoked instead

Less maternal nagging it entails

(Chorus)

And it seems to me, I’ve lived my life

Like a trashy, cheeky mare

Never knowing how to express myself

Without a swear

And now I’m on a new path

To speaking like a toff

And only uttering expletives

That I disguise under a cough

Going it alone

Cleaning out the mouth, my regimen

In the hope that I will succeed

To appear smart and feminine

Women who swear, it seems

Are perceived as slaggy and uncouth

And seeing as I’m skating on thin ice already

I must bid farewell to the lingo of my youth

(Chorus)

And it seems to me, I’ve lived my life

Like a trashy, cheeky mare

Never knowing how to express myself

Without a swear

And now I’m on a new path

To speaking like a toff

And only uttering expletives

That I disguise under a cough

Goodbye, vulgar mouth

You embellish every noun

Make gossip more hilarious

And deliver a great put-down

Goodbye Vulgar Mouth

I’m sure it’s not the end

Considering my inner rage

I’ll see you one day soon, my friend

*By ‘try to give it up’, I mean I’m going to cut down. There is probably still going to be cursing going on. A lot. Sorry Mum.

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3 thoughts on “Candle in the Curse

  1. a whole blog without a curse- its a miracle!

  2. Amanda says:

    Noooooo don’t stop cursing! It is a great way to convey emotion in speech, or so our English teacher once told us before recieving everyones homework the next week and throwing it back at us saying “I didn’t mean you all to go that far”
    Ha Ha! Who is this Elissa person anyway? And why does she feel the need to give you suggestions?

    • haha ive already gave up, i dont think i could ever stop- its just not me! elissa is one of the cast from desperate scousewives on e4- shes a writer so it was good to have a professional opinion! what english teacher was this? miss mcnulty? lol we have a geg in english class!

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