Monthly Archives: April 2012

How to Get Bikini Ready Right Now!

 

Many people ask me, ‘How do you stay in such great shape?‘ to which I always reply, ‘Should I make this cheque out to cash, or…?’.

Yes, that’s right, ladies; if this blanket of grey mizzle ever lifts, bikini season will be just around the corner! And that means it’s time to start preparing for those lazy days on the beach. And by lazy, I mean stressful and miserable as you’ll probably spend the entire run up to summer in an endless cycle of crying and exercising.

But it doesn’t have to be a depressing and laborious misery fest. Here are five ways in which you can get a better bikini body with very little effort, and bid farewell to sucking in your stomach, dusting sand out of your spare tyre and going into the water to hide, which can lead to being potentially eaten by a shark, or being raped by a merman. You don’t want that, do you? So, read my tips.

 

Start a revolution

Thanks to brainwashing tactics that have been employed by our government for many generations, the general public are unaware that they are always being told what to think. If you don’t believe me, I would like to point out that, deep down, you are a tiny bit prejudiced. Even if, like me, you were raised as liberal, you have prejudices that are inbred through years and years of being told that anyone that is different to you is a threat. Our government did that. If you still don’t see my point- five words: My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. You watched that atop your high horse and secretly sneered, didn’t you?

Anyway, start a revolution by being like, ‘I don’t give a shit about no man, that’s right Lawd Jesus’ and doing snappy fingers (as explained here), then others are likely to follow suit and be all like, ‘Mmm-hmmm, I’m handling my shit and don’t give a ish’. Attitudes like this are usually picked up by masses of defensive, paranoid women. Eventually even uptight white women like myself will be joining in from afar, doing snappy fingers too and saying ‘I’m a strong white women and I’ll be damned if my man be all up in my bidness about my lumps’. See, I told you, we all have our prejudices.

Buy a cleverly designed ab-smock

A time-efficient way to obtain the abs, arse and thighs of a young starlet when you’re more ‘old harlot’ is to fake it ’til you make it and buy yourself a nice novelty apron with a cartoon muscle man or beach babe on it.

No-one will know it isn’t your body because they’re dead convincing. This apron will also double up as a hilarious conversation starter for vapid morons who still find The Simpsons and David Walliams funny.

 

Mince about with older, saggier and weightier counterparts

And watch yourself look better by comparison. Yes, this sounds cruel, but people like Vanessa Feltz and the entire cast of Loose Women would be friendless otherwise, for they were hardly made in God’s image. Making friends with women who are less of a ‘ten’ than you are effectively makes you the Queen Bee, even if you, too, have a face for radio and a body for rodeo. Every time someone has the misfortune of taking a photo of you bunch of ugly shrews together, that picture encapsulates a scale; this scale affixes the ugliest friend at the bottom and the prettiest (by default) friend at the top, which would be your good self, if you play your cards right. Hey presto: you’re the best of a bad bunch.

 

Start drinking plenty of fluids

Keeping your system ‘flushed out’ as whichever horrible ‘curvy’ Z-list celebrity who is currently the face of Activia (most likely either Martine ‘Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing’ McCutcheon or Claire ‘Eternal Menopause’ Sweeney) would say, is great for something, but to be honest, no one really knows what because we’re all too busy nodding along like chimps. Anyway, my fluid of choice is vodka, but I’m not fussy and whatever you have in the fridge will do. Drinking fluids like vodka, whisky and wine makes me look a lot better in the mirror, even when I’m crying and I don’t quite know why- I just get back on the kitchen table and dance like effing J-Lo. Drunk girls like this are the epitome of self-esteem.

And finally- stop caring

Ceasing to let the demands of society, the media and other shallow buffoons make you feel negatively about your, quite frankly, miraculous existence is the best move you’ll ever make for yourself. Have another bit of cake and stop worrying about it. And if anyone wants to tell you otherwise- myself, Martine McCutcheon, Vanessa Feltz and the cast of Loose Women will be round to glass that mother*.

*I just made that bit up about the cast of Loose Women, Vanessa Feltz and Martine McCutcheon. The only way they’ll be showing up is if you’re having a party and the theme is ‘Bitching about Anthea Turner while eating Macaroons’. Otherwise, it’ll just be me on my own, and I’ll probably just be in the corner crying and swinging a broken bottle. Thug life.

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My Top Five Fashion Picks for Spring 2012

With Summer just around the corner, us gals are spoiled for choice with Tropicana prints, neon wedges, crocheted anthing and midi-skirts in mint green hues. The shops are putting their tired Winter attire on sale and hamonising ‘Summer Nights’ with racks and rails of clashing-print, bold pinks and purples and the classic Spring LWDs.

Here are my top five fashion picks for Spring 2012:

Burlap Sacks

After having spent the last six months of my life learning how to create more tax breaks for the rich, and simultaneously trying not to commit suicide, my diet isn’t great and one can imagine that even the sackiest of spud sacks would be offended by our aesthetic association. Regardless, I’m being inspired by burlap sacks this season. Not only do I love their ‘shapeless’, ‘depressing’ and ‘brown’ qualities, they can also be dressed up for a night at Wetherspoons with a sparkly belt and a pair of George at Asda jeans, or dressed down for those days when you want some ‘me-time’ to roam freely around your house and cry about your shit life.

Sportwear-Lux

High street stores such as Topshop and River Island are investing heavily in the Sportswear Couture trend, which has been making an appearance in many Spring/Summer catwalks for the last few years, not to mention those of the 1980s and 90s. I like to put my own stamp on this trend by wearing my sweaty gym clothes everywhere because I’m overstretched and exhausted, while accessorising with a scowl and no make-up because I just sweat it off my face anyway during my workout to the point I looks like I’ve been ugly-crying, which I was, but come on.

Dungarees

While playing with fashion is fun, it is also advisable that you find out what suits you, dress for your ‘body type’ and don’t succumb to trends that are unflattering or inappropriate to you as an individual. As I have mentioned in previous posts, my individual style is ‘Big Lesbian’, reminiscent of Aileen Wuornos and other butch, burly women of the 1980s.

Therefore, I always have a timeless pair of dungarees in my wardrobe, that I update with current trends. For any other ladies considering investing in a pair of dungarees: My advice? Go for it. Multiple pockets to store your mullet comb? No sleeves to weigh down your arms when you’re writing Harry Potter fan fiction? An inexplicable constant presence of camel’s hoof while remaining baggy and unflattering in the leg? Yes, yes and yes!

A Nice Frock for the Dinner Dance

Spring 2012 fashion draws inspiration from the maxi-dress trend of the last few years, while paying tribute to elegant, garden party style, as exemplified with Rachel Zoe’s statement dress from her second collection:

However, this sort of thing is impractical for the dinner dance as you’d surely get leek and potato soup and rohypnol-spiked Smirnoff Ice spilled all down the front, and therefore, a touch of functionality is needed. As most of my nights on the town involve getting too pissed and having to be carried home, slung over someone’s shoulder (which I’m frequently sick down), a nice slaggy equivalent such as this dress is more up my alley for Spring:

An Outfit to ‘Blend In’

As every gal knows, while we love our statement pieces and garments that helps us to stand out, a nice outfit that helps you blend into the backround the morning after the night before can be a godsend for those days when you’re just popping out for a coffee and the latest copy of Vogue and don’t want to be recognised when you’re a little worse for wear. Therefore, investing in a ‘Where’s Wally?’ costume will do the trick, because I can never find him, no matter how hard I try. Seriously, it takes me ages.

How To Get Over A Break-Up

Relationship break-ups are emotionally exhausting. Not only do they signify the end of a lifestyle, they also mark the beginning of a new, different way of life, of which the adaptation to is difficult and upsetting.

But breaking up doesn’t have to mean breaking down, and ‘we’re over’ doesn’t have to mean that life is over; in fact, this can be the start of a new and improved you. Yes, getting through is tough, but following my tips for getting over a break-up will aid the healthy release of emotions and the gradual formation of a stronger, happier single life.

Get by with a little help from your friends

Primarily, consider mutual friends and the effect that the break-down of your relationships will have on them, as it will prove difficult for them to decide how to proceed with maintaining seperate friendships with you and your ex-partner. To help them, spread a nasty rumour about your ex-partner and tell all of your friends that he/she had derogatory and demeaning nicknames for them (e.g. if you have a friend who has a perm, tell them your ex-partner referred to them as ‘A.C. Slater’, ‘Curly-Bop’ or ‘Paedo-Perm’). Not only will this get your friends on your side, it also manipulates them into thinking your ex-partner was a total arsehole. One nil to you.

Of course, the act of alienating your ex-partner is not an exhaustive list- they ways in which you can ruin their repuation are endless. For example, you can ring their family, place of work or even local supermarket and inform them that your ex-partner likes to set cats alight and make fun of people with disabilities.

Deal with your anger

It is quite likely that you will have some residual anger towards your ex-partner. Deal with this in a healthy way by going round to their new place of residence, breaking every single one of their windows, spraying ‘knob’ on their car, setting the contents of their bin on fire and shitting through the letterbox.

Write your feelings down

It is much better to write down your feelings rather than say things in haste to your ex-partner that you will regret later. Make your own Facebook page entitled ‘(Insert ex-partners name here) Pissed All Over My Chips and Destroyed My Dreams’, and write down all of your feelings on that. Make sure to exaggerate wildly about how horrible of a human being your ex-partner is. Heck, you might as well throw in that, during the course of your relationship, your ex-partner beat you periodically. This is healthy.

Remind yourself

So as not to get back together with your ex-partner when you know the relationship isn’t going anywhere, you may want to keep a reminder of why you two broke up in the first place. Some would suggest keeping a list of reasons on your fridge, but why not go the full hog and kidnap your ex-partner, dismember them into storable pieces and store them in your freezer? That way, not only will you have a reminder that actively discourages you from reaching for the Ben and Jerry’s when you’re feeling low, but this also solves the problem of the unsightly clutter of lists. Oh, and helps to cut down on flammable matter in your kitchen when you’re setting cats alight.

Get rid of negativity

For the most part, the pain of a break-up derives from those negative feelings that you will inevitably have towards your ex-partner, thus, getting rid of that negativity enables you to move on. Therefore, forgive your ex-partner for their part in the demise of your relationship by being kind and having empathy. Reach out to them from a friendly place, for example, you could regularly defrost the freezer compartments that you’ve stored their body parts in, so that your ex-partner is comfortable and less squashed. If you are feeling brave, you could reach out to your ex-partner by suggesting you spend some time together in the ‘friend-zone’, such as spending a day cooking with them (the torso has the most meat), or going for a long drive (store them in the boot of your car so as to not arouse suspicion). Just remember: walking in your ex-partner’s shoes will help you get rid of that negative energy. Unless you’ve got rid of their shoes, as they are evidence which can and will be used against you in a court of law.

Fully-functioning adult high five.

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8 Simple Rules For Building Your Confidence

Confidence is a valuable asset to aid progression in professional, social and personal scenarios. It enables a person to effectively have their opinion heard and respected, without offense or defence, while eliminating the elements of second-guessing or misinterpretation of passivity, or the potential to be hurt or bewildered by aggression.

I, like most, wasn’t born with the ability to be confident and assertive; in earlier life, I tended to lean toward passive behaviour, passive aggressive when pushed, and find it difficult to deal with my aggressive counterparts. But with a little training and practice, we can all obtain the confidence that we need to get through this miserable existence until death.

Following the tips below will help you on your path to higher confidence and an increased ability to be assertive, helping you to lead a happier, more productive life.

 

Know Your Rights

Having an over-inflated sense of self affords you an exaggerated sense of self-entitlement. If anyone gets more than you, argue pettily and bitterly until you are remunerated, even if you had no desire to obtain what the other person got. In order to get yourself adequately riled, read The Sun or equivalent tabloid for morons, and allow yourself to be tricked into believing the sensationalised stories about benefit fraud and immigration. Wonder how the abuse of such systems will affect you, and start a fucking riot with other vandals and wankers. Make sure you start all your sentences with ‘I’m not racist but (insert racism here)’. That means it’s not racist or offensive.

Work On Your Appearance

Appearing confident begins with looking confident. Force yourself to watch a whole episode of Gok Wan’s ‘Dress Your Bangers and On-Trend Self Thin With Spanx and Stupid Blazers, Girlfriend’ or whatever- try not to kill yourself during this process. Feebily head to Marks and Spencers to buy the outfit that Gok told you to buy because the media said so. Wear outfit even though it looks ridiculous and put the thought that dressing to impress is fucking futile, you’ve either got it or you haven’t, to the back of your head. And walk out that door with a new found confidence to give the world the finger.

 

Be Calm

Confidence is relayed from those who appear calm and controlled, no matter how daunting the situation is. Emulate calmness by constantly doing an impression of the telephone woman who says ‘The number you have dialled has not been recognised’– she sounds like she has her shit together. Now you’ve got the right voice, get a demeanor to match by taking a fuckload of sleeping tablets washed down with copious amounts of energy stimulant to keep you awake, but zombie-like. Hey presto, cool as a cucumber!

 

Know Yourself

Get to know ‘You’– what are your hopes and dreams? Likes and dislikes? Abilities? Knowing yourself will help you to speak up and relay yourself to others. However, there are so many people in the world nowadays that you are probably very similar to someone else, and thus, save yourself some time and just pick someone to copy. If you are female, you’ll probably want to be Kim Kardashian, so just slather yourself in bullshit, mis-use the word ‘literally’ (e.g. I was literally just abducted by aliens, literally literally literally) and complain at length about your lack of privacy while selling your life to the highest bidder. If you are male, you are less fortunate as you only have Justin Bieber, Jeremy Clarkson or James Cordon to choose from. And with death not being an option, shit one.

 

Speak Your Mind

Speaking your mind is a great way to justify being a total bastard to someone, because you can always just blame the fact that you’re ‘keeping it real’, when in fact, it is much kinder to live and let live. Therefore, making yourself feel better by pointing out someone else’s excessive armpit fat or muffin top also makes you a better person, your friend’s divorce was inevitable because she is a failure and your lack of enthusiasm for someone else’s dreams is just a way of protecting them against making a shambles out of their life because they’re too stupid to succeed. Definately. Hashtag just sayin’.

 

Learn To Say ‘No’

The art of saying ‘no‘ is difficult to master, but is ultimately advantageous in allowing you to say ‘yes’ to the things you really want to do, or have time for. The trick is to become really unapproachable and cagey, so that no-one ever wants to ask you anything or even go near you, for fear of you biting their head off. In addition to making a mountain out of a molehill when anyone requests five minutes of your time, remind them that they’ve troubled you by sighing loudly throughout, rolling your eyes and updating your Facebook status to ‘Hate when dickheads can’t take the hint’. When confronted, say ‘I’m sorry…. that you’re so sensitive.’ It’s their fault for being them.

 

Stop Thinking The Grass Is Always Greener

Overvaluing the lives and experiences of others’ is a surefire way to lower your own self-esteem, adversely affecting your confidence. Train your mind to see that the grass isn’t always greener by belittling the achievements of others’, preferably on a public domain where your opinion may influence others. If you are unsure of where to begin, consult any magazine geared towards women, and see how they dissect the lives of celebrities by circling atom-size celulite patches and pointing out coldsores. Then put this into practice in the real world. If someone is richer than you, start a rumour that their house has a weird smelly-house smell. If someone has a better job, point out to them that they possess this at the expense of family time by getting their toddlers hooked on crack. And if anyone dares to outshine you in the looks department, sell your story to the Daily Mail that they are a jealous whore, and when you provoke a public outcry, sell another story to the Daily Mail entitled, ‘See? See?!? I Fucking Told You I Was Better. By Samantha Brick’.

 

Fake It ‘Til You Make It

Acquiring confidence and the ability to be assertive takes time and constant effort. So, if you are only beginning to put the above legimate and totally serious tips into practice, chances are that you still don’t feel totally confident. Therefore, pretending you’re confident will help to alleviate feelings of doubt and insecurity. This can be achieved by saying things like ‘swag’, even though no-one really knows what the fuck is happening. If you’re female, you might want to suffix your sentences with ‘snappy fingers’ for extra pizazz and to distract people from the fact that you’ve spent all afternoon crying about your life. Men can achieve this by getting a derogatory statement about women shaved into the back of their head, for example ‘Bitches’ or ‘Hoes’.

And knock ’em dead, dolls! Literally.

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Samantha Brick: Not Deluded At All

Sitting alone in a branch of KFC, I was getting stuck into a Zinger Tower meal when a homeless bum came up to me and asked me for a kiss. I stared at his toothless mouth in pity and declined, after which his said, ‘Fuck you, you slag’ and walked off. Many people would be flattered by such an exchange, but not me- I’m used to men giving me attention because I’m just so darn gorgeous.

It seems that the fucking thicko right wing Daily Mail reading population entire world has been left reeling after Samantha Brick spoke out about the affliction of beauty here, citing her looks as the reason she has been victimised, ostracised and outcasted by female colleagues, ‘friends’ and acquaintances. Her article paints a picture of an exceptionally beautiful woman (until you scroll down to the pictures, and she’s actually an average-looking woman with a superiority complex, but then again, I’m probably just bitterly envious) whose looks are the reason she has faced hardship in her personal and professional life, provoking jealousy with less asthetically pleasing females. Look at how beautiful she is:

Yeah, so, she just must take a bad picture or something. Or else, if you are female, your eyes disallow you from seeing how gorgeous she is. She’s definately not totally fuckwitted.

However, I am inclined to agree with Samantha; I have had a similar experience myself. I, too, overestimate my beauty- deluding myself that men fall at my feet and women hate me because they are threatened, when in reality, it is because I am up my own arse and a general nasty bitch.

Samantha’s article cites a myriad of experiences in which men have thanked her for being so beautiful by paying her way. She is not a prostitute. At all. I can verify that yes, men do this. She is not detached from reality and did not create this in her crazy little mind.

Sometimes I ask strangers for a cigarette, and they just hand me one. Probably because my nicotine-stained smile makes their day. Once, on a Ryanair flight to Leeds Bradford, an air steward gave me a packet of salt and vinegar Frisps for free, just because they were ”going off”. If that isn’t code for ‘I love you’, I don’t know what is. And on top of that, sometimes I check my bank account to find that someone has deposited money into my account on a weekly basis, probably to thank me for living. Ok, so, it’s my wages, but the person who authorises the transaction has a 50% chance of being male. Men just shower me with money!

But unfortunately, it’s not all gravy. Women fucking loathe me, probably because they can’t handle how stunning I am, in addition to having a winning personality and not being at all deluded. Definately not because I’m an elitest bitch. Only a few weeks ago, my neighbour walked past me without even so much as a ‘hello’. I consulted a mutual friend who suggest that her reaction may have been spurred on by the fact that I set her dog on fire and slept with her husband, but I think it’s that she’s just jealous of me because I’m thinner than her. This is not insulting to women at all. Samantha represents women in an honest light, and doesn’t give men one more reason to think women are nothing more than a pack of shallow, scrapping shrews. She is also good looking enough to justify writing such an article. Yes.

Now Samantha can’t wait to get old, as ageing will dilute her beauty and allow her to make friends and live ‘normally‘. She must be getting a fucking personality transplant too, then.

Beauty is such a curse.

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Snooki Pregnant- What’s Next For The Jersey Whore?

Glamorous and not-at-all insulting to femalekind pickle-enthusiast, Nicole Polizzi, a.k.a. Snooki, is knocked up. Sorry, ‘pregnant’. I keep forgetting that she’s a human being with feelings. Maybe.

It has been reported that Snooki is ecstatic to be ‘with child’ and if a girl, she will be named ‘Absynthia‘. If she is carrying a boy, Snooki hopes to call it ‘The Contraception’. While this name appears to pay homage to fellow Jersey Shore misfit and future rehab roomie, The Situation, Snooki has confirmed that it is actually an acronym, compiled with the initial letter of each potential father.

Snooki hopes that the baby is a boy, due to future career opportunities available, in which she and The Contraception can tour America’s country clubs together. She and The Contraception (who is an adult as this stage…. probably. But possibly not.) can pretend to be embroiled in a torrid cougar-style love affair while scamming bored housewives out of their money.

But that’s not to say Snooki wouldn’t be delighted if she had a daughter. Not only does Snooki yearn for an heir to inherit her array of $5 crotchless dresses, fuckload of neon flip flops and plentiful collection of grafitti-print lesbian-style trucker hats, she also dreams of the day she gets to teach her child how to pole dance for the MTV cameras.

And how will the young (in mental age) mother cope balancing a busy career of drinking until she pukes while putting on a whiny baby voice and hitting Pauly D with various inflatables and being a mother (theoretically)? Simple- little Abcynthia/The Contraception has already signed a contract for the next series of Jersey Shore, named ‘Jersey Shore- Whoops I Forgot To Take My Pill’. MTV producers are very excited about up-and-coming storylines, including an episode in which the baby wins fourteen consecutive games of Scrabble against the rest of the cast, the baby stays sober to look after the rest of the cast on a night out, and The Situation gets stabbed right in his stupid-steroidy face. Which has nothing to do with the baby, but wouldn’t it be nice?

Here’s wishing mother-to-be, Snooki, the best of luck in her journey. And more so to her baby, who should be quaking in age-inappropriate boots. Fist pump!

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