Monthly Archives: May 2012

Lose Weight the Easy Way with the Lemon Detox Diet!

The Lemon Detox Diet rose to fame when Beyonce adopted it to slim down for her role in Dreamgirls, with which she lost 20lbs in two weeks. The diet comprises a concoction of maple syrup, lemon juice, water and cayenne pepper, downed periodically, and nothing else- effectively making this a 60-calorie per day plan, rather than the 2,000 to 2500 that most doctors recommend for the average person.

Yes, it is difficult to adhere to, but reportedly produces excellent results. This month, I am going to follow the Lemon Detox Diet for 7 days (the recommended duration for Lemon Detox Diet beginners), and keep a record of my results, so that you, too, can lose weight and feel great.

Day 1

Breakfast- A glass of maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper and water

Lunch- A glass of maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper and water

Dinner- A glass of maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper and water

Day 1 of the diet has been easier than I first anticipated. Yes, there isn’t a whole lot of nourishment involved, but I felt less bloated as the day elapsed and had more energy in the afternoon. At one stage, I felt a manic high to the extent that I went outside and kissed a complete stranger just because the voices in my head instructed me to. The stranger had me arrested and when I resisted, I was tazered by a police official- but I only got a caution, probably because I’ve lost a stone already and everybody wants a piece.

Day 2

Breakfast- A glass of maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper and water

Lunch- A glass of maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper and water

Dinner- A DELUXE glass of maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper and water (DELUXE version recipe: A whole bottle of maple syrup, drank straight, and then a good cry about life)

After my manic high of yesterday, I must admit that I felt slightly lower today. While I have more energy, I’m also feeling on the cusp of a nervous breakdown. Weighed myself and have lost 6lbs already, after just two days on the Lemon Detox Diet, but then I lifted the scales and threw them out them out the window, severely injuring my elderly neighbour. Accompanied neighbour to the hospital for treatment and tried to suffocate her with an inflatable headrest in the ambulance. No idea why. Then I went around the children’s ward shouting, ‘Santa isn’t real’. Also starting to worry that when I go to jail, I’ll be so thin and gorgeous from doing the Lemon Detox Diet that I will surely be one of the prison bitches. Can’t sleep with the worry of this.

Day 3

Breakfast- A glass of maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper and water

Lunch- A glass of maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper and water

Dinner- A glass of maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper and water

Weighed myself and lost another 16lbs since yesterday. At least, that’s what happened in the weird hallucinogenic dreams I’ve been having, which is brilliant because it’s kind of like going to see a 3D film, without the expense of leaving my bed. Coincidentally, that’s where I have spent the entire day due to blinding migranes- have no idea why I’m getting them, must be the weather. Delightfully though, while I’m now completely bedridden, my pyjamas looks fantastic on me. Ordered myself a medical drip online so that I don’t have to waste energy on lifting a cup of dinner to my mouth. Winning.

Day 4

Breakfast- A glass of maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper and water

Lunch- A glass of maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper and water

Dinner- A glass of maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper and water

I think I’ve finally arrived at a realisation that I don’t need food- I’m just a stronger human being in general now. Got my drip installed and fashioned a spare carrier bag into a colostomy bag to collect waste, seeing as I can’t seem to get out of bed anymore. Really strange that I can’t seem to move from bed. Perhaps, subconciously, I don’t want to outshine all other women out in public with how amazing I look. Lost another 8lbs today, for a total of 30lbs in 4 days. Feel like the Chuck Norris of diets.

Day 5

Breakfast- A glass of maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper and water

Lunch- A small insect

Dinner- Jail food

Disasterous day. Was doing well on my diet but coughed due to an inexplicable virus I seem to have contracted, causing me to accidentally inhale and swallow a small insect that was living under my bed. This sudden influx of food sent me on a massive sugar high, and drunk on insects and being a supermodel, I paraded through my local Tesco Metro in a bikini with four glowsticks and the word ‘Fajita’ painted across my torso. Eventually, a concerned shopper interrupted my breakdancing to enquire if I was feeling ok (probably because he admired my new figure), and I bit him. His coat smelt a bit like chicken chow mein, and it took me back. But now I can’t go back. Spent the night in jail.

Day 6

Breakfast- A glass of maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper and water (Jail version: substitute the maple syrup, lemon and cayenne pepper for nothing)

Lunch- A glass of maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper and water (Jail version: substitute the maple syrup, lemon and cayenne pepper for nothing)

Dinner- A glass of maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper and water  (Jail version: substitute the maple syrup, lemon and cayenne pepper for nothing)

Spent today in jail after assaulting a man in Tesco Metro yesterday. Unable to access all ingredients to fully adhere to diet, but have chosen adequate substitutes. Tried to do a Shawshank mid-afternoon but the spoon broke so used one of my jutting ribs to make a dent in the wall. Realised this will take me ages. Thankfully, was able to shimmy between the bars in my cell at dusk and escaped. Went home and made myself a midnight feast of three shakes of pepper. Yum.

Day 7

Breakfast- A glass of maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper and water

Lunch- A glass of maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper and water

Dinner- A glass of maple syrup, lemon, cayenne pepper and water

Final day of the diet was easier than expected, as I have started to rationalise the constant migraines as a punishment for being less worthy than everyone else. Weighed myself and was delighted to discover that have lost of total of 72lbs in 7 days on the Lemon Detox Diet– how wonderful! Going to celebrate tomorrow by buying a babygro and wearing it as a playsuit, as I am now a size ‘2’. Sorry, size ‘aged 2’ (and above). Honestly, I’m getting annoyed already that three year old children are the same size as me- feel so fat. Doing another week of the diet to slim down to size ‘aged 6-8 months’.

Well, that was my week on the Lemon Detox Diet. I lost 72lbs, but gained a whole new perspective on life.  Sidenote: If you see me on Crimewatch, it was all just a misunderstanding. No need to ring the hotline… Good luck on your journey towards health and happiness!

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How To Be A Reality Star

Reality television is a very popular format upon which many current stars were born, and with legitimate career opportunities at an all-time low, coupled with the amount of human fuckwits at an all time high, there has never been a better time for people with absolutely no shame to break into the exciting world of reality TV. Here’s how you can do it in five easy steps:

Be The Architect of Your Own Fuckwittery

Unfortunately, they don’t just let anyone star on reality television- you must be exceptional in your field, and should represent yourself as so. Look at reality TV greats of yesteryear: Frankie Cocozza, The Situation, Amy Childs, etc. What do they all have in common? That’s right, they are all cunts.

Therefore, after decking yourself out with a suitably detestable name (e.g The Lord, Shabba or RapeBoi) play about with cunty catchphrases (e.g ‘That’s funkypigeon dot com’, ‘Merp’ or ‘Less of the argy-bargy!’), wanky haircuts, racist tattoos, fake-designer clothing, and perhaps even a signature dance move like the little one from JLS who looks like zombified Michael Jackson in the video for Thriller. He fairly sings for his supper, bless him. In the end, your persona should be attractive enough for teenaged girls to stop picking fudge out of their braces long enough to try to get ‘The Lord is our shepherd, there is nothing I shall want’ trending on Twitter, but not attractive to the point that under-aged fans will be tempted to sell details of sleeping with you to the papers.

Be Fussy

When choosing your fame platform, don’t just sign up to any old show- be fussy and pick ones that will showcase you in the right way. If you have zero talent and are a generally worthless human being, why not sign up to appear on Big Brother, where all you need to get accepted are daddy issues, an eating disorder and a rampant STD (make sure you tick the ‘not fully blown AIDs yet’ box, as then you’ll still be allowed in the hot-tub).

If your talent is being pretty or having ‘swag’, then you could probably make it to the bootcamp stage of X Factor, in which you’ll most likely be lumped into to a band with four other interchangeable versions of yourself as a lifeline. Remember to practise your surprised face for when Simon Cowell announces this development in slow-motion against a soundtrack of Celebration by Kool and the Gang. Finally, if you have a sense of self-worth but are not overly good-looking, you’ll probably not make it in the glamourous world of reality TV. Best dropping out now and leaving it to the pros, hos and schmos, yeah?

Strategise

Any reality star worth their salt-diluted cocaine knows that one does not merely ‘make it’ in the world of celebrity. Fame costs- and right here is where you start payin’ in the currency of humiliation, parental shame and the threat of going to hell. Believe it or not, some of the most famous reality stars strategised their rise to fame; who knew the participants of Big Brother have a ‘game plan’? Not me! There are many ways to do this but the quickest route is ‘Sleep with a co-star, fake a pregnancy scare, don’t take a pregnancy test straight away because you’re ‘trying to figure out how you feel’, tell the potential father, potential father asks ‘Is it mine?’, you run away crying, potential father comes after you to apologise and say he’ll do his best to raise the baby, you and potential father make a go of it for a day, take a pregnancy test, pregnancy test negative, break up a week later, selling story to Daily Star entitled ‘My pregnancy scare hell with Zippy from Big Brother 17- How A Lucky Escape Saved Me and My Unborn Non-Child’. Popty ping- instant fame.

Partner Up With A Mate

When acquired, the best way to heighten your fame is to pool it with another mediocre reality star and ponce about town together, getting ‘papped’ doing futile things like shopping for your worthless selves and generally being a posterchild for capital punishment. Partnering up has many other advantages, such as throwing a spanner in the works to prolong being ‘outed’ by the press (Kanye West and Kim Kardashian), providing a ruse against the universal suspicion that you are asexual (Kanye West and Kim Kardashian) and facilitating some much needed company at night when you would have otherwise just spent your time alone, at home, ugly-crying and tweeting pictures of yourself in your sunglasses and underwear to your fans (Kanye West and Kim Kardashian).

Of course, you can also increase your headlines three-fold by deciding to have a child with your fellow reality star, perhaps snagging you a maternity line for Argos and an exclusive feature in OK! magazine when the poor bastard is born. However, it is important to note that, unlike in mathematics, two negatives do not make a positive; your child is likely to be a clinically-diagnosed imbecile. But hey, that just means you’ll be nominated for Wink Bingo’s Parent of the Year. Score!

Diversify Your Brand

Sadly, your five minutes must come to an end at some stage- but you can diversify your brand to prolong your fame and refresh your current image. If you’ve followed the above steps and your show was cancelled, you’ve had the baby and you’ve broke up with your partner, now is the time to diversify into new markets, such as taking loads of drugs in a seedy nightclub, becoming gay, getting diabetes or being ‘horrified’ by a ‘leaked’ sex tape. You could also take it one step further and die, as there are many new, untouched opportunities in this industry for reality stars, such as coffin-endorsements, memorial plates and then, of course, a reality show that writes itself as you star in your own journey to the afterlife.

And finally, shine on, stars of tomorrow!

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Five Ways to Drive Activity On Your Facebook

There is nothing worse than posting a Facebook status and then watching a virtual tumbleweed roll past as no-one bothers to ‘Like’ or comment on your post. Well… war, famine, poverty etc. is clearly much worse, but we live in the Western world, where people take photos of cats in dresses and laugh until they puke at Rufus Hound, so clearly our priorities are fucked up.

So, how do you get more comments, ‘Likes’ and drive activity on your Facebook updates without selling out? If I knew the answer, I’d be selling it to businesses who are wondering the same and employing these tactics on my own Facebook. But, if you don’t give a fiddler’s and have no qualms taking a trip to CrazyBastardville, then I’d suggest you do the following:

Embellish, Embellish, Embellish

If like me, your day largely consists of arsing about and holding back tears of disappointment re: your life, you’ll have nothing of entertainment value to post on your Facebook. But nowhere in Facebook’s Terms and Conditions of Use does it stipulate that the misrepresentation of dull events is disallowed, so why not just start fucking talking all sorts of smack about what you’re up to? For example, the next time you win £10 on the lottery, update your status to ‘Just won the lottery, wohoo! #ImNotUsingHashtagCorrectlyButNeverMindImRich!’ Develop this embellishment further by posting a picture of yourself planking in a fur coat and lots of jewels, or wankily fanning yourself with currency.

Lie

While embellishment is related to the original subject matter of your status, general lying is unrelated to reality but very effective in making your life appear more thrilling. Turn out all the lights in your house, draw the curtains and keep your children home from school for a few weeks, then then start writing statuses like, ‘Off to Antigua with the family- whoopie!’, ‘Sunbathing by the pool today with a cocktail’ and ‘Doing the Conga round the hotel nightclub- Good times!’.

If you want even more attention, make up a thrilling twist to your story like, ‘Met a 27 year old hotel waiter called Miguel an hour ago who said he’s fallen in love with me- WTF?’, then the next morning, add, ‘Me and Miguel stayed up all night talking, decided to move to Antigua permanently to stay with him. Fuck the kids. YOLO’. Later on in the week, you might say, ‘Can’t believe Miguel’s poor dad needs £20,000 for heart surgery by the end of today, en route to the bank to open up a joint account for me and Miguel <3’ (remember to check yourself in at the bank) and ‘OMG someone has drained our joint account. Miguel is upset and shocked but he just won a new car in a raffle so at least we’ve had some good news today’. Of course, you can’t be on your fake holidays forever, so remember to add, ‘Flew home to escape the clutches of Miguel. Turns out his dad is in perfect health. Heartbroken 😥 ‘, on the day social services call round to enquire as to the reason you’ve been holding your family hostage.

Be Cryptic

Unfortunately, when lying, you must put yourself in the public eye for everyone else to judge. For those of you who are demure and prefer to keep you private life just so, you can be cryptic with your posts to ensure you get the maximum amount of attention. For example, ‘I could cry at the amount of housework I have to do’ should be changed to ‘Can’t take it anymore, might kill myself’.

That’s sure to get a rise from concerned friends and nosy bastards who are lurking about. If you are pissed off with someone but don’t have the danglies to come out with it on Facebook because they would absolutely destroy you, replace their name with ‘SOME PEOPLE’ e.g. ‘SOME PEOPLE should watch their back because I’m not above arson, rape and murder- and I have a fucking great big freezer to hide your body parts in so their family will never get justice’. And the best bit is that all of your paranoid aquaintances will be wondering if the time they laughed at your profile picture because you looked like badger will have somehow got back to you. Zing.

Sex Sells

It is undeniable that using sex to ahead- that’s what she said- is a tried and tested business tool. Just ask borderline prostitute Kim Kardashian and her gaggle of less-asthetically-pleasing-but-slightly-more-likeable sisters. Why not use this to your advantage by taking naked pictures of yourself and posting them on your public profile? It doesn’t matter if your face could pickle onions and your body looks like lots of uncooked sausages squashed into a bin filled with discarded pubic hair- that’s what people want to see.

Create Artificial Interest

Think about it- why do restaurants always sit diners at the window? Obviously, they want potential diners to see that they are popular. Create this same effect on your own Facebook page by creating lots of fake profiles for people you made up, be they your inner voices or just the imaginary friends you had as a lonely child trying to block out those potentially harmful thoughts, and have a party with yourself by logging into each profile and chatting similtaneously. You could even fool your real Facebook contacts into thinking you’re a world traveller by naming your fake friends ‘Judy Jamaica’, ‘Sally Singapore’ and ‘Freddy Finland’, or that you’re a modest genius with names like ‘Spencer Spectacles’, ‘Mary Maths-Advanced-Higher-Level’ and ‘Neville Newspaper’.

So there it is, folks- Five ways to drive activity on your Facebook, with little to no effort at all. Anyway, must dash, Miguel wants to give our love another chance as his father has just had a relapse. Where’s my cheque book?

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Where Are They Now- The Cast of Friends

They made us roar with laughter back in the ’90s, and laugh slightly more modestly in endless repeats nowadays- the cast of Friends was a match made in heaven. But where have our six favourite stars gone, and what are they doing now?

Jennifer Aniston (Rachel)

Darling of Hollywood, Jennifer Aniston planned on spending more time with her husband, Brad Pitt when the series finished, but creature of the night, Angelina Jolie had other plans- luring Brad away with the promise of an indie-beard and a shared air of whimsy. And what does any newly-divorced gal need? Friends, of course. But not the cast of Friends, oh no. ‘Those bastards have been riding on my coattails for years. I would fake my own death if I thought they’d stop calling me, but I know David Schwimmer would try to dig up my corpse so that he could re-enact the glory days of Ross and Rachel. He makes me sick’, says the siren of TV and infinite-time slightly bohemian movie protagonist who figures herself out at the end of the film thanks to the quirks of Vince Vaughn.

David Schwimmer (Ross)

Pretentious geeky arsehole, David Schwimmer has been likened to his on-screen personality, Ross Gellar, for being ‘a bit of a dick’ and ‘a potential serial killer’. Unfortunately, David has had little success after Friends, his awkward face and general greasiness cited as the reason for his lack of acting jobs, and is currently working on building a time machine with which he can go back in time to precede the statute of limitations to sexually assault women while escaping trial in the present day. ‘I’m doing it to get back at every woman who laughed at me. What do you think of my predatory catchphrase, ”It hasnt been your day, your week, your month or even your year, bitch”. I’ll show them- I’ll show them all’. We wish you all the best, David!

Courteney Cox (Monica)

Although no-one believed it would be possible, Courteney Cox has lost quite a bit of weight since Friends ended and looks like a parody of her former self. Currently starring on forced-fun-fest, Cougar Town, Courteney’s character promises to mirror her own personal life, in that people expect her to be like Monica, but after spending time with her, realise she is less likeable. Socially, Courteney enjoys spending time with former co-star, Jennifer Aniston, and when she’s alone, Courteney also likes knitting ragdoll versions of Jennifer Aniston, cutting their heads off, shitting down their necks, and posting them to Jennifer Aniston’s house anonymously, with a note saying, ‘It should have been me, you slaaaagggg’. 

Matthew Perry (Chandler)

Ticking-time bomb, Matthew Perry, was the black sheep of the group during Friends’ heyday, reportedly addicted to prescription painkillers which he later kicked prior to the series ending. However, Matthew has fallen back off the wagon and sadly, due to only being offered roles as a ‘lovable corporate scumbag who changes for the better at the end of the made-for-TV movie, because sometimes, dammit, life just gets in the way’, he graduated to harder substance abuse, saying, ‘Sometimes I need more hardcore stuff, like a paracetamol stuck to a women’s contraceptive pill, dissolvable headache tablets not diluted with water, a tampon dipped in children’s cough medicine or, when I’m feeling really low, a whole bottle of St. John’s Wort’. Party on, Matthew!

Lisa Kudrow (Phoebe)

Kooky buffoon, Phoebe Buffay, was a free-spirited sort, but in real life, Lisa Kudrow is a different kind of spiritual. ‘I practise Nazism- heil Hitler’, says the star, before shoving a small child and walking off. Little else is known about Kudrow’s personal life, other than she ‘always votes National Socialist German Worker’s Party, when it isn’t even offered on the voting ballot’ and she ‘only agreed to sing Smelly Cat on the show if the writers admitted to her that it was actually a metaphor for Antisemitism’.

Matt Le Blanc (Joey)

Village idiot and unbelievable moron, Joey Tribbiani, was portrayed by desperately-seeking-solace Matt Le Blanc, who signed on to revive his character in the mysteriously named ‘Joey’ after Friends ended. However, after the viewing public’s pity ran out, ‘Joey’ was cancelled, leaving Matt with time on his hands to fullfil his childhood ambition to be astronaut. Unfortunately, Matt score was a record-low on NASA’s qualifying test, certifying him as ‘too dumb to be doing this test in a serious capacity’, but after converting his shed into a makeshift solar-system, Le Blanc spends his days pretending he is in outer space anyway, by ‘sitting on an office chair’. And his space adventure has brought him and his co-stars together, saying that David Schwimmer helps to keep sunlight out of the shed with the darkness of his dreams, Matthew Perry occasionally calls by to borrow money to go on a ‘using spree’ round Holland & Barrett, and Jennifer Aniston’s assistant once sent him a ‘With Deepest Sympathy’ card with a signed picture of Jen for his shed-wall. ‘I’m waiting for that beanpole, Courteney Cox to slip through one of the cracks in my sanity’, laughs the star. Keep living the dream, Matt!

So no-one told us their lives were going to be this way, but gee, could their lives be anymore great?! Well done to the cast of Friends for being an inspiration to us all, keep up the good work!

Where Are They Now will be back next week with an ever-true, accurately researched new group of stars to keep you in the know!

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Prick of the Week: The Job Market

This won’t come as a shock to many of you, but the current job market is, to say the least, a tad depressing.

Sadly, the days of enthusiastically applying for a job, getting invited to a civilised interview, being offered the job and then climbing the career ladder are long gone. However, if you like zany questioning techniques, arsy interviewers, depressing jobs, smooching sphincter and minimum wage, you are likely to be loving life.

Even when sourcing jobs, the only companies with lots of vacancies are the organisational equivalent to the kid in school who picked their nose and ate it, and then had their parents up to the Principal every five minutes to ask why they had no friends, i.e. a total prick.

Prickish companies are currently the ones hassling old women into reclaiming mis-sold PPI (which you can do, in exchange for your soul, for minimum wage- Apply today! Free noose with every application!), payday loan suppliers (‘Drug dealer about to kick your door down and scalp your arse dry unless you can reimburse him for that cocaine? Apply today, and use discount code ‘Force25’ for 25% the level of force we will use to beat you to a pulp when you default on the repayments- which you will!’), debt collection agencies (‘Debts piling up with no way out? Well then, we’ll take your other stuff instead, and break your legs for the inconvenience of illiquidity. Cheerio.’) and the fast food industry (any company that makes people wear a novelty hat as part of their uniform deserves to go bust).

And these are the sort of jobs that people are considered lucky to be offered. But that’s after a series of rigorous and demeaning interviews filled with nonsensical processes, such as competency based questions, like, ‘Tell me about a time when you went above and beyond the call of duty in your previous role’ (Honest answer: Never, I am a mediocre employee. Interview Answer: I delivered my heavily pregnant boss’s child while still achieving my sales targets and saving everyone in the office from a fire, which isn’t true, but the reference I supplied you for my boss is actually going to be my drunk friend putting on her very best office voice, and she’ll verify my story).

Sadly, competency based questions are the best of a bad bunch. You might have to endure the embarrassment of a role play scenario in which the interviewer does an impression of a disgruntled client on the phone, to which you have to react to as if you worked there (Honest answer: I usually blame a co-worker and then cry, pretending my dog died that morning. Interview Answer: I’d sort it out efficiently, because repeat business and word-of-mouth is a cost-effective way to achieve growth, blah blah). I bet when you did the role play you made a fake phone shape with your right hand, you berk.

And what if, after all this shite, you get the bloody job and you have to actually start harassing people to sue their employer for a work-related injury as they could be entitled to compensation? That’s where the real fun begins; hoping a bus hits you on your way to work, praying a distant relative dies just so you can have a few hours off to pretend to go to their funeral, weeping on Sunday nights, developing a drinking problem and resenting your dependants for inadvertently making you arse-lick corporate scumbags. Bastards.

So this is why I’m nominating the current job market for Prick of the Week– it’s making lots of people miserable, stressed and unhappy, and until the economy recovers, it isn’t likely to change. But you can. Next time you hate your job, or you’re fucking sick to the back teeth of combing through depressing job vacancies, take it out on someone who caused this by sending a turd in a box to any major banking institution, get your granny to beat a politician with her handbag (old women never get arrested), or compensate yourself with a pay rise by stealing from your employer.

Job market- You are a prick.

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Ten Things You Never Knew About… Bono

Executor of mediocre ditties and general joy-killer, Bono, has hit the headlines this week for making over $1bn from his 1.5% share in Facebook, effectively making him the richest rockstar in the world, but what other remarkable things has the U2 frontman accomplished throughout his career? Here are 10 things you never knew about Bono.

1. Bono met the other members of U2 at school, where they began their journey towards stardom as a group of friends. ‘We were that group who carried around Sylvia Plath novels, front side out, so everyone knew we were smarter and superior to them. Every school has a group of pedantic know-it-alls, who quote philosophers in everyday speech and lick up the theology teacher’s arse, you know, trying to be a modern day Dead Poets Society and that was us’, muses the self-proclaimed ”global tax” payer.

2. While Bono hails from Dublin, Ireland, he chooses to spend his time abroad, saying, ‘There’s no beating about the bush in Ireland- they think I’m a tosser.’

3. Bono’s real name is Paul David Lewson, but opts to go by the name of Bono to protect his family from being identified and harassed by the public. And where did the name ‘Bono’ come from? He explains, ‘It’s a shortened version of my nickname in school, which was ‘Fuck off, Bono’. Those guys!’

4. Bono is rarely spotted without sunglasses, but while many think this he wears them as part of a rockstar image, he actually claims to have a heightened intolerance to natural light- a condition he accredits to being a half-human, half-bat in a previous life. ‘My eyes are easier to penetrate than most, which could absolutely detroy them. That’s what she said.’ says the star.

5. U2 is a meritocracy and Bono sit proudly at the top of the band. ‘I win because I’m chums with Bob Geldof and I had the most lines when we were on The Simpsons,’ fondly recalls the star.

6. As Bono is the band’s leader, he is not only responsible for writing the majority of the songs, but also drawing up a rota to apportion potential  news headlines. ‘One week I’m in the press, harping on foreign aid and what people with less money than me should be doing about it, the next week, one of the other boys gets a go when they get a new beanie hat or start a load of nonsense over TV talent shows being a fix.’ explains the jazzy frontman.

7. While U2 is a four-piece effort, Bono and The Edge have collaborated together a number of times, and created songs as a duo under the name ‘Us2’.

8. Bono credits his ability to reinterpret the ordinary to help him with songwriting. ‘Not many people know this, but ‘I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For’ was inspired by the struggle of San Salvadorian peasants in the mid-1980s, as we used to hide their tips in various places of the presidential suite of the San Salvador Hilton. We wanted to spread the word to the wider world that some people don’t have, like, toasters and stuff,’ says the philanthropic frontman.

9. Bono is involved in a myriad of humantarian commitments, aimed to help those in the developing world, stating, ‘I always throw my loose change into those currency collectors at the airport, and I almost never forget to bring my ‘bag for life’ to Marks and Spencer when I shop there’.

10. In addition to his generous donations (above) to help the poor, Bono is committed to the ‘trade, not aid’ movement, employing a number of young children to clean his house for £3 per hour.

That’s all for this month, pop-pickers! But we’ll be back next month dissecting the life of another so-so star with ‘Ten Things You Never Knew.

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I’ve Just Joined Facebook

 

I’ve just joined Facebook as ‘TheThinkingGal’ (which you can find here), so please ‘Like’ the page for daily news and updates, including my newest features, ‘Prick of the Week’, ‘Exercise Move of the Month’ and all the shitty diet and exercise tips guaranteed to do nothing but make you laugh, and then weep for humanity.

Each day we’ll discuss new topics, like in Loose Women/The View, but without all the menopausal shite.

And I’d love to interact more with anyone who takes the time to read TheThinkingGal.com, as it is very much appreciated!

Thank you 🙂

Five Tips To Help You Cope With Stress

From time to time, we all find ourselves feeling a little stressed out. When balancing work pressures, family life, academia, commitments, social life and hobbies, it is normal to feel stressed and unable to cope with the extensive schedules and huge expectations placed upon us today. If you are feeling tired, anxious, withdrawn, sad, or even physically ill, you may be living with stress.

But how do we get rid of these feelings? Unlike physical ailments, it is hard to recognise the need for treatment as symptoms are internal, and others around us cannot comprehend the urgency for change or recuperation, leading to many cases of chronic stress. In this case, there is a need to take yourself out of your current situation, re-evaluate your life, make changes, and start again– in an ideal world. Unfortunately, the majority of stress sufferers are unable to take this time out from their lives, and need time-efficient solutions to lower their stress levels. Here are a few ideas:

Drink Lots of Alcohol

Is it just a coincidence that most drunks are happy, fun types? And those who aren’t are just putting on a front to dissuade you from drinking, meaning more alcohol for them. Drinking an absolute bucketload of alcohol makes you a joy to be around, and your worries will melt away while you dance on a table like a big prostitute. Some people may even give you money to do this, helping you to save up for more alcohol. Remember- avoid a comedown by never ceasing to consume alcohol, as this will make you sad. And don’t worry about losing your job, house and kids, as homeless bums make excellent Christmas miracle stories in seasonal films- hello, new recession-proof career in Hollywood!

Get your Anger Out

Unleashing those demons can be a healthy move for those trying to cope with stress. However, the person (or situation) causing your stress is daunting enough to stress you out as it is- best not rock the boat by speaking to them. Therefore, take your anger out on loved ones or friends, who are probably really worried about you. Alleviate some of your guilt by telling them ‘they deserve it’ so they don’t realise that it’s all about you trying to drag them down to your own, pathetic level. They’ll probably start feeling shit about themselves, and your commitment to their wellbeing will help them be a better person. They’ll thank you later.

Talk About It

If you choose not to mentally abuse your loved ones, you could instead opt to let them in on the reasons you are feeling stressed. But as mentioned previously, it is difficult for others to empathise with a situation they cannot see for themselves, such as a physical ailment, unless they are a mental health professional. Therefore, it may be best to capture their attention with a punchy poem, song or rap about how you’re feeling (e.g. Worried about my mental health, Toyed with the idea of killing myself, Liked the idea of ending it all, But the kids need picked up from football etc. etc. ). Or if you aren’t musically minded, a nice spot of interpretive dance might do the trick.

Think More Positively

The power of positive thinking is grossly underestimated in today’s society- it can move mountains. Well, not really, but it’s pretty decent. For the majority of cases, stress is mind over matter and if you cannot take yourself out of a stressful situation, you can view it in a more positive light as an alternative. For example, if your job is stressing you out, think about your place of work burning to the ground while you laugh like an evil genuis in the car park. If your children are the problem, think about the point in their lives when they, like everyone else, realise that life is nothing but tattered dreams and broken promises. Bastards.

Take Responsibility

If you take responsibility for your stress, you effectively take back the power to change your feelings. You need to ask yourself what you did wrong, or better yet, ask others if they notice a pattern in your behaviour that always leads to the same feelings of stress (i.e. an inability to delegate or a constant need for attention). If you’re stressed about work, confront your boss off the clock so that you two have plenty of time to chat. Perhaps you could call to your boss’s house late at night with a baseball bat and start breaking windows while shouting, ‘What did I ever do to you?’ and weeping copiously. You’ll probably lose your job after this- two birds, one stone.

You’ll have all the time in the world to relax during your life sentence in prison.

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Exercise Move of the Month- Breaking Up A Fight Between Two Alcoholics In A Public Setting

Ok, to all you fitness fans out there- this new segment is for you. After trying and testing new exercise moves, I am bringing you step-by-step details to master a new move on a monthly basis to help you achieve your fitness goals.

Regular exercise is very time-consuming so incorporating your fitness regime into your day-to-day activities is really advantageous. That way, you don’t have to buy expensive workout clothing or make room for hours of workout time in your schedule.

This month’s exercise move is brought to you by the decay of our society, and is called ‘Breaking Up A Fight Between Two Alcoholics In A Public Setting’. Here’s how to do it:

Step 1: Go out to an area with lots of foot traffic, such as a local park or town centre.

Step 2: Identify two alcoholics who look to be in the throes of a disagreement. They may be discussing topics such as, ‘Is that a pigeon or a magpie?’, ‘Are those your feet or my feet?’ or ‘Before she died, you’re wife was a slag’. If, however, all is harmonious among the alcoholic community in your vicinity, no worries- just go up to a group of them and say, ‘In theory, can you cook sausages in a kettle?‘ This discussion will provoke a major argument.

Step 3: Once you have two alcoholics fighting in front of you, this is where the real workout begins. Step into the middle of them, placing your hands on each of their heads. They’ll swing at you but will be too drunk to realise that this is futile. You will immediately start to feel your triceps getting a workout, and the more it hurts, the more it works! You may also want to motion your hips in a hula-hoop effect as you avoid their flaccid attempts to punch you in the stomach.

Step 4: Pick up the pace by kicking your legs in the air, cheerleader style, as other alcoholics try to attack you. Note: this should not be attempted by beginners- avoid this step by leaving a bottle of White Lightning propped up against a distant wall, to distract all alcoholics not included in the brawl you are breaking up.

Step 5: Take it back down to resting level by saying loudly, ‘The police have been called, boys. On your merry way now.’

Step 6: Walk home and scrub yourself free of this horrible memory.

Not only is this a great full-body workout for strengthening your core, I defy you not to sweat bucketloads of embarrassment to be involved in such a situation in a public setting. Hours of fun.

Now that’s what I call a workout!

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My Top Five Fashion Picks For May- Rainy Day Special

After the popularity of My Top Five Fashion Picks for Spring/Summer 2012 (here), I was surprised to see that I have become quite the trendsetter and have spotted many people taking inspiration from my fashion picks. Why, just last week I was shopping and spotted a few sacks of potatoes working the burlap sack trend I had pioneered in my last post. Whilst being mugged a few days ago, my attacker was a vision in Sport-Lux, wearing an Adidas tracksuit and four coin rings- fabulous! I’ve even had some influence in the glamorous world of television, as many variations of my LWD of choice was featured on More 4’s My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. Good times.

Anyway, seeing as the weather is so unpredictable these days, here are my top five fashion picks for this rainy May:

Under my Umbrella-ella-ella-Hat

Function, fashion and fun rolled into one with this zany Screech from Saved By The Bell inspired creation. This beauty allows you to keep dry while freeing up both hands to give people the finger for laughing at your ridiculous hat. This hat can be dressed up with your head, or dressed down by putting it on your feet and pretending you’re standing up in a little tiny boat.

Return of the Mac

See what I did there? Macs are perfect in-between attire for days when it’s cold, but too warm for winter woolies, or so I’m told. Accessorise yours with being smug and sneering at people like myself who are wearing glorified pyjamas while out for dinner. You’re more of a worthy human being than everyone else.

Be Up Shit Creek- With a Paddle!

Update any outfit with a practical yet charming paddle, perfect for beating Mother Nature over the head with and rowing your way to safety lest we drown with all this rain. In addition, this could be an ideal accessory for toughening up dresses for a night at the club, while also helping to prop you up when you get too drunk on vodka and the belief that your dancing isn’t as tragic as you once thought.

Lumberjack Shirts

It wouldn’t be a ThinkingGal fashion blog without a Big ’80s Lesbian (my personal style) tribute, and given the rainy, humid weather, no outfit would be complete without a men’s lumberjack shirt tied around your ample waist. Queen of this style era, Aileen Wuornos, was regularly spotted sporting this fashion gem. Beyond looking great and not-at-all butch, lumberjack shirts are great for concealing your weapon, wiping blood and/or evidence from the scene of the crime, and keeping you warm while hiding in the forest until the search party start to give up hope, before being easily and quickly disposed of in a river, along with the body. Oh, and it keeps you dry in the rain too. Convenient and chic!

Leopard Print Leggings

Nothing to do with the rain- I just like pretending I’m half leopard, half human. Or at very least, someone who eats the crusty bit around the top of a bottle of Heinz Tomato Ketchup– which these leggings just scream.

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