The Art of Flirting

There are many interpretations of the act of flirting; for some, it’s a harmless way to interact with someone on a friendly level, for others, it’s an easy way to get to know a potential romantic interest and make a love connection. Yes, I am aware of how creepy I sound right now.

The first thing to remember when intending to flirt is that preparation is key- you need to make sure you are flirt-ready. Have a look at yourself in the mirror and hold back negative thoughts such as, ‘you disgust me’ and ‘your life amounts to nothing’- you know, the usual. Be kind yourself. After all, you’re a four at best and no-one knows what you cry yourself to sleep about every night. Give me your best smile. No, that’s way too much, you look like a serial killer, reign it back in. Ok, good enough. Go get ’em, tiger!

When you reach your desired flirting venue, lower your expectations adequately so that you don’t humiliate yourself by aiming too high. Probably best to pick someone mousy, frumpy and nervous, as not only are these people grateful for the attention, they also make excellent partners on the receiving end of mental abuse later on in your relationship.

Before you approach your chosen victim, make sure to check your own body language to ensure you look appropriately comfortable and relaxed. Let’s face it, you’re pretty creepy, so try not to be yourself too much. If you’re a gal, hunch your shoulders to create the illusion of both a lopsided cleavage and an air of prostitution. Fellas, there is very little you can do other than to fashion all banknotes on your person into a fan and casually pretend to cool yourself down as you approach that special someone. The ladies love that.

Initiating conversation is important, as otherwise, you may be perceived as a sexual nuisance. Start by making your target’s skin crawl by throwing them a perverted chat-up line while wiggling your eyebrows. This will usually lead into a nice, awkward conversation. Don’t worry if your victim is rolling their eyes- you can make them pay in the currency of domestic violence later on in your relationship.

Remember to make eye contact throughout the conversation with your victim, as this is not at all creepy and intimidating. Don’t ever look away as this will give your victim unspoken permission to get out now while they still have the chance. It’s tough to maintain creepy eye contact but dammit, do you want to see this through or not? Moments like this are the foundation for the bridge and chorus of I Think We’re Alone Now by Tiffany, and if you ever want to waltz around your sex dungeon to this song with your chosen one, then keep staring, soldier!

While keeping up eye contact that penetrates the soul to dominate your mate into submission of a lifetime of mediocrity and broken dreams, you may want to share a few details about yourself. Go light on the stories about how you killed every one of your childhood pets, and if you must divulge such anecdotes, less of the maniacal laughter. Appropriate conversation includes how the thought of turning into your parents keeps you up at night, any weird fetishes you may or may not have (I threw in ‘or not’ as a courtesy, you big sicko) and how you’re too frightened to get that lump checked out by a medical professional lest it is not benign. Perhaps you could also start sobbing, too.

From time to time, give yourself a break from bearing your soul by asking your victim questions about themselves, so you get a better idea of what you would like to later change about them, or throw back in their face during an inevitable argument. While they are chatting, make sure to give them your full attention, which can be achieved by nodding like a crazed seal, invading their personal space and occasionally shouting ‘Preach!‘ while throwing your hands up in a racially inappropriate way.

After you have both conversed, it is likely that you, desperate for a mate, have read too much into it and their attempts to get you to go away have fallen on deaf ears. It’s time to close the deal, and make your flirting partner a long-term fixture in your life and sex dungeon. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there at the risk of rejection, as even if they say no, you can always stalk your victim down and make them pay later. A simple ‘I’d love to see you again’ and a thumbs-up will work wonders in closing the deal.

Rohypnol works too.

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