‘It’s been two years since MTV had any decent programming!’ is the cry of many people worldwide who don’t understand the meaning of the words ‘two’, ‘decent’ and ‘programming’. Of course, they are referring to the departure of popular-among-the-braindead-and-the-long-term-imprisoned gem ‘The Hills’, a reality show and very long advertisement for the legitimacy of gun possession in the USA.
Shockingly, since the show ended there has been little about the cast in the media, and many people who work from home in the sexline industry inquire as to the whereabouts of the cast now, citing that this would help them go to their happy place during work. Bless. For those among us who care, I have done some research and can now present, ‘The Cast of The Hills- Where are They Now?’
After Lauren bowed out ‘gracefully’ in the penultimate series, she tried her hand at the glamourous world of fashion, establishing her own business. She balances hiring her mouth out as a wire hanger whilst moonlight as a mannequin. ‘After The Hills ended, I didn’t know what I would do’, explains the star, ‘but as people kept pointing out, my dead eyes, lack of thoughts and general vapidness are a perfect fit for the glitzy world of being a mannequin! And I’ve been molested by the public four times, which I see as a compliment’. Go, girl!
Workaholic Lauren on the job:
Heidi and Spencer Pratt
Resident villains, Heidi and Spencer, loved to cause drama in the glamourous Hollywood show- or rather, read out their lines that just happened to create a stir. But in reality, they are a tale of heartbreak and sadness, for after Spencer was brutally murdered by a gang of rabid wolves who were ‘Team Conrad’, Heidi fled to obscurity in fear of her life, reportedly living in a rural location, and is almost reclusive except for her occasional use of a tiny machine in which she liaises with the press via morse code. ‘Long dot, short dot, short dot, pause, Awesome Nose Job!’, communicates the star.
Spencer During Happier Times (R.I.P.)
Most people who give a fuck (five to be exact) say that after Audrina’s reality show, titled ‘Audrina’ (‘I chose the show’s name myself’, says Audrina, ‘by fusing together the names of my two favourite things- Audrey Hepburn and ballerinas in general’), was cancelled, she disappeared off the face of earth. However, they don’t realise how right they are- Audrina has recently joined Nasa’s Whores in Space project, in which they have teamed up with Hugh Heffner to diversify the sex industry to our solar neighbours.
Brody Jenner was best known for being a lovable lothario during the latter episodes of The Hills, and nothing much has changed- he is currently facing life imprisonment for performing a lude act on the mannequin formerly known as Lauren Conrad during one of her shifts. ‘This is my only phonecall’, says the hunk with a heart, ‘can you do me a favour and see if any TV networks want to buy my new series- ‘Jailtime Jenner’– it’s a talkshow, in which I interview criminal dudes and get raped in the showers a lot?‘ We predict big things for this guy!
Just like in The Hills, Lo and Lauren are still the best of friends. When we caught up with Lo, she was ravaging through a bin outside the lingerie shop where Conrad works as a mannequin. ‘I’m always one step behind Lauren, just like old times! Can you spare a dollar for the bus?’ she muses. Good times.
So there you have it, folks. They may not be on our screens anymore, but at least our favourite stars are living large in lady Hollywood. And just like their lines when the series was prematurely cancelled, the rest is still unwritten. Keep living the dream, cool cats!