Ok, to all you fitness fans out there- this new segment is for you. After trying and testing new exercise moves, I am bringing you step-by-step details to master a new move on a monthly basis to help you achieve your fitness goals.
Regular exercise is very time-consuming so incorporating your fitness regime into your day-to-day activities is really advantageous. That way, you don’t have to buy expensive workout clothing or make room for hours of workout time in your schedule.
This month’s exercise move is brought to you by the decay of our society, and is called ‘Breaking Up A Fight Between Two Alcoholics In A Public Setting’. Here’s how to do it:
Step 1: Go out to an area with lots of foot traffic, such as a local park or town centre.
Step 2: Identify two alcoholics who look to be in the throes of a disagreement. They may be discussing topics such as, ‘Is that a pigeon or a magpie?’, ‘Are those your feet or my feet?’ or ‘Before she died, you’re wife was a slag’. If, however, all is harmonious among the alcoholic community in your vicinity, no worries- just go up to a group of them and say, ‘In theory, can you cook sausages in a kettle?‘ This discussion will provoke a major argument.
Step 3: Once you have two alcoholics fighting in front of you, this is where the real workout begins. Step into the middle of them, placing your hands on each of their heads. They’ll swing at you but will be too drunk to realise that this is futile. You will immediately start to feel your triceps getting a workout, and the more it hurts, the more it works! You may also want to motion your hips in a hula-hoop effect as you avoid their flaccid attempts to punch you in the stomach.
Step 4: Pick up the pace by kicking your legs in the air, cheerleader style, as other alcoholics try to attack you. Note: this should not be attempted by beginners- avoid this step by leaving a bottle of White Lightning propped up against a distant wall, to distract all alcoholics not included in the brawl you are breaking up.
Step 5: Take it back down to resting level by saying loudly, ‘The police have been called, boys. On your merry way now.’
Step 6: Walk home and scrub yourself free of this horrible memory.
Not only is this a great full-body workout for strengthening your core, I defy you not to sweat bucketloads of embarrassment to be involved in such a situation in a public setting. Hours of fun.
Now that’s what I call a workout!