They made us roar with laughter back in the ’90s, and laugh slightly more modestly in endless repeats nowadays- the cast of Friends was a match made in heaven. But where have our six favourite stars gone, and what are they doing now?
Jennifer Aniston (Rachel)
Darling of Hollywood, Jennifer Aniston planned on spending more time with her husband, Brad Pitt when the series finished, but creature of the night, Angelina Jolie had other plans- luring Brad away with the promise of an indie-beard and a shared air of whimsy. And what does any newly-divorced gal need? Friends, of course. But not the cast of Friends, oh no. ‘Those bastards have been riding on my coattails for years. I would fake my own death if I thought they’d stop calling me, but I know David Schwimmer would try to dig up my corpse so that he could re-enact the glory days of Ross and Rachel. He makes me sick’, says the siren of TV and infinite-time slightly bohemian movie protagonist who figures herself out at the end of the film thanks to the quirks of Vince Vaughn.
David Schwimmer (Ross)
Pretentious geeky arsehole, David Schwimmer has been likened to his on-screen personality, Ross Gellar, for being ‘a bit of a dick’ and ‘a potential serial killer’. Unfortunately, David has had little success after Friends, his awkward face and general greasiness cited as the reason for his lack of acting jobs, and is currently working on building a time machine with which he can go back in time to precede the statute of limitations to sexually assault women while escaping trial in the present day. ‘I’m doing it to get back at every woman who laughed at me. What do you think of my predatory catchphrase, ”It hasnt been your day, your week, your month or even your year, bitch”. I’ll show them- I’ll show them all’. We wish you all the best, David!
Courteney Cox (Monica)
Although no-one believed it would be possible, Courteney Cox has lost quite a bit of weight since Friends ended and looks like a parody of her former self. Currently starring on forced-fun-fest, Cougar Town, Courteney’s character promises to mirror her own personal life, in that people expect her to be like Monica, but after spending time with her, realise she is less likeable. Socially, Courteney enjoys spending time with former co-star, Jennifer Aniston, and when she’s alone, Courteney also likes knitting ragdoll versions of Jennifer Aniston, cutting their heads off, shitting down their necks, and posting them to Jennifer Aniston’s house anonymously, with a note saying, ‘It should have been me, you slaaaagggg’.
Matthew Perry (Chandler)
Ticking-time bomb, Matthew Perry, was the black sheep of the group during Friends’ heyday, reportedly addicted to prescription painkillers which he later kicked prior to the series ending. However, Matthew has fallen back off the wagon and sadly, due to only being offered roles as a ‘lovable corporate scumbag who changes for the better at the end of the made-for-TV movie, because sometimes, dammit, life just gets in the way’, he graduated to harder substance abuse, saying, ‘Sometimes I need more hardcore stuff, like a paracetamol stuck to a women’s contraceptive pill, dissolvable headache tablets not diluted with water, a tampon dipped in children’s cough medicine or, when I’m feeling really low, a whole bottle of St. John’s Wort’. Party on, Matthew!
Lisa Kudrow (Phoebe)
Kooky buffoon, Phoebe Buffay, was a free-spirited sort, but in real life, Lisa Kudrow is a different kind of spiritual. ‘I practise Nazism- heil Hitler’, says the star, before shoving a small child and walking off. Little else is known about Kudrow’s personal life, other than she ‘always votes National Socialist German Worker’s Party, when it isn’t even offered on the voting ballot’ and she ‘only agreed to sing Smelly Cat on the show if the writers admitted to her that it was actually a metaphor for Antisemitism’.
Matt Le Blanc (Joey)
Village idiot and unbelievable moron, Joey Tribbiani, was portrayed by desperately-seeking-solace Matt Le Blanc, who signed on to revive his character in the mysteriously named ‘Joey’ after Friends ended. However, after the viewing public’s pity ran out, ‘Joey’ was cancelled, leaving Matt with time on his hands to fullfil his childhood ambition to be astronaut. Unfortunately, Matt score was a record-low on NASA’s qualifying test, certifying him as ‘too dumb to be doing this test in a serious capacity’, but after converting his shed into a makeshift solar-system, Le Blanc spends his days pretending he is in outer space anyway, by ‘sitting on an office chair’. And his space adventure has brought him and his co-stars together, saying that David Schwimmer helps to keep sunlight out of the shed with the darkness of his dreams, Matthew Perry occasionally calls by to borrow money to go on a ‘using spree’ round Holland & Barrett, and Jennifer Aniston’s assistant once sent him a ‘With Deepest Sympathy’ card with a signed picture of Jen for his shed-wall. ‘I’m waiting for that beanpole, Courteney Cox to slip through one of the cracks in my sanity’, laughs the star. Keep living the dream, Matt!
So no-one told us their lives were going to be this way, but gee, could their lives be anymore great?! Well done to the cast of Friends for being an inspiration to us all, keep up the good work!
Where Are They Now will be back next week with an ever-true, accurately researched new group of stars to keep you in the know!