Ten Things You Never Knew About… Cheryl Cole

Darling and alumni of talent shows that have a clear misunderstanding of the word ‘talent’, Cheryl Cole, is a modern-day rags to riches story. For those of you who are unfamiliar with stars that adorn the front pages of every tabloid that aspires to climb up the paper social-ladder and one day achieve toilet roll status, Cheryl Cole (then Tweedy) won a place in Girls Aloud after appearing on Popstars: The Rivals, and has risen to superstardom with her own glittering solo career. Here’s ten things you never knew about Cheryl, pop princess of our time.

1. Cheryl hails from Newcastle Upon Tyne and is very proud of her Geordie roots. However, she has never met Jimmy Nail and will bite you if you mention him to her.

2. Cheryl’s debut performance on television involved her singing a rendition of ‘Have You Ever’ by S Club 7, a song she holds close to her heart. ‘It’s poetry in it’s truest form, alreet?’ snarls the star, menacingly. This is well-known to be a touchy subject for the singer, as she would have preferred to sing 19 by Paul Hardcastle but was prohibited to use the song by Popstars: The Rivals producers, citing that the majority of viewers are ‘practically Nazis’.

3. Back in 2003, a young Cheryl nearly lost everything by being involved in an alleged racial attack, a detail that she vehemently denies. ‘I’m no racist, man. I don’t reserve hatred for different races or colours, I fuckin’ hate everyone. I hate you, I hate your mam and I fuckin’ hope your dog gets knocked down. I’d punch you in that nightclub whether you were white, black or fuckin’ stripey.’

4. As part of Girls Aloud, Cheryl released hits like ‘Sound of the Underground’ and ‘Love Machine’– controversially admitting once that she wasn’t a fan of the pop music the band churned out, preferring R&B. Today, Cheryl has pursued her love of R&B by saying that her solo music, such as latest offering ‘Call My Name’, now falls into the R&B category, even though it’s clearly still pop. Each to their own.

5. Cheryl treasures family above all else and maintains a relationship with her siblings despite the fact that they make the television programme Shameless look like Keeping Up Appearances. However, leading analysts argue that Cheryl’s relationship with her gluesniffing, petty criminal family makes her look like less of a racist sumbag by comparison.

6. The same can be said for her relationship with absolutely abysmal human being, Ashley Cole. When her marriage to Ashley broke down amidst cheating rumours, Cheryl capitalised on the public sympathy and everyone forgot that she was a racist and had formerly spent her entire career span doing little other than bitching about minor celebrities to the News of the World.

7. Prior to her marriage breakdown, Cheryl was keen to distance herself from being perceived as a typical ‘Footballer’s Wife’. However, she neglected to realised that she was married to a footballer, and that her job largely involved appearing on Ant and Dec’s various zany Saturday night TV offerings in a Von Dutch trucker hat and a pair of hotpants, inaccurately miming the words to ‘No Good Advice’– making her Queen of the Footballers’ Wives. Colleen McLoughlin seethes.

8. Cheryl says that her marriage breakdown left her unable to trust people, admitting that her dogs and mother, Joan Callaghan, are her best friends. The representatives acting on behalf of Cheryl’s dogs and Joan Callaghan deny this.

9. After meeting during the filming for The Passions of Girls Aloud, Cheryl and Black Eyed Peas frontman, Will.I.Am have become good friends. It has been widely reported that the two have had a tryst in the past, but this is unlikely given Cheryl’s racist tendencies.

10. While Cheryl is currently embarking on a solo career of miming along to generic pop songs and dancing like a transvestite puppet going to a pyjama party, there are plans for Girls Aloud to regroup at the end of 2012 for one last tour. While nothing has been confirmed yet, the tour theme is rumoured to be ‘Tacky Hen Night’. ‘I don’t want to give anything away’, says Cheryl, ‘but if you think people suffering from dwarfism are funny, and you love to see them dressed up as Hobbits and Smurfs, then get your ticket in now!‘ A logistics representative for Poundland said that child sweatshop workers are currently toiling day and night to meet future demand for ‘penis straws and other tat’.

You go, girl! Join us soon for another edition of Ten Things You Never Knew…, when we’ll be making up uncovering the truth behind another mediocre glamorous celebrity!

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: