How To Be Quirky

It seems like everyone nowadays wants something to make them stand out from the crowd. When I was a teenager, it would suffice to merely dye your hair purple, wear a slaggy tartan skirt, look depressed and mooch off the creativity of others by bedazzling your schoolbag with tributes to Pearl Jam and Korn (but that was back when no-one had sex on Big Brother for fear of their parents watching. P.S. *Rolls eyes). Now you can’t move for bell-and-whistle clad pebbledicks dying to stand out from the crowd (not literally dying though, sadly).

So, how does one achieve Quirky-status in a world of aspiring zany people trying to be different? Here’s six easy steps to get you on your way.

1. Music

Even though you’ve done absolutely nothing to help create any music ever, no-one can stop you from latching on to particular bands and claiming their values as your own. Scour the ‘live entertainment’ section of your local newspaper (Youtube), to find a beanie hat wearing, nonchalantly smoking, hipster band- let’s call them Thibodeau and the Lady Wrestlers– that have yet to be signed to any major record label. Google said band and spend hours learning every tedious fact about mockney Thibodeau and his Cambridge classmates, from the reason they insist upon wearing nail varnish (clue: to challenge societal expectations upon gender roles but really for vanity reasons) to the inspiration behind their albums, ‘Rich Puppet Revision’, ‘Sunrise Anarchy’ and ‘Serenity Blockade’. Rhyme off said tedious facts to your friends when Thibodeau and the Lady Wrestlers eventually sell-out and perform with Snoop Dogg at T in the Park, to prove you liked them before they became ‘mainstream’.

2. Be ironic

Being ironic is the best way to get people to assume that you are smarter and more worldy than they are, when infact you’re just smug and pretentious. Although, as a quirky sort, you judge everyone else for their fashion choices, by citing irony as the reason behind your own clothing, you can wear whatever the fuck you like- the weirder and more pointless the better. Just make sure you’ve bought it out of a charity shop (keep telling people this) and it has some sort of nonsensical slongan emblazoned across the front (no brand names though as you are anti-consumerism. If you keep forgetting this, set hourly reminders on your ‘sick’ new iPhone). Accessorise with a poker face and definately do not make reference to, or laugh about, how hilarious and quirky you are to wear such garments.

3. Get a thing

Historically, natural quirkiness stems from an inability to adapt to social norms in childhood, forcing the person to choose individualism over being ‘one of the crowd’. However, if you are just ‘one of the crowd’ and have never had anything difficult or challenging to overcome as you’ve led a seriously cushy life, then getting ‘a thing’ will fast-track straight through to Quirkyville. Can’t see it? It’s 10 miles beyond Mildly-Interestingtown. If you’ve reached Serial-Killer Avenue, you’ve went too far.  You could perhaps choose a pair of thick-rimmed glasses (bad eyesight not necessary), a straw-hat or even commit to a life of deliberately wearing odd shoes. Remember: keep your thing visual or people will have no idea that you’re quirky. That’s what she said, my man.

4. Pontificate

It is likely that, as a person of quirk, you’ll be spending large portions of your life sitting in coffee shops with other like-minded individuals judging others, so the quicker you learn the art of directing (while adding nothing of value to) a conversation, the better. Start off by saying something like, ‘Have Thibodeau and the Lady Wrestlers sold out?’, ‘East Coast or West Coast rap?‘ or ‘Is Joy Division’s third album overrated?‘ (watch as lesser morals bullshit their way through this obvious trick question). Then just sit back, enjoy your obscure micro brew and gaze out of the window with disdain for the little people.

5. Don’t Smile

When you’re quirky and different, best rein in any smiling until you are completely alone in a darkened room, lest others realise that you’re not actually burdered and tortured by your superior intellect and natural artistry. Sure, you also have an air of whimsy about you, but generally, you’re far too sad about worldwide injustices that you pretended to read about in the paper but secretly learned of via Youtube to smile. Therefore, denote that you’re weighed down under your inate ability to feel the pain of children in Africa without shoes (when you just bought yourself an iPad) by sporting a face that says, ‘MEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH’ at all times.

6. Be like, whatever

Being like, whatever tells the world that you’re like, whatever about stuff- the personality equivalent of ‘this is how I roll’s’ cooler uncle with an ironic handlebar ‘tache. Surprisingly, being like, whatever involves an immense amount of time and effort. Think about it- you have to distress your own jeans, buy countless beanie hats to wear during the months of June and August, carry a great big heavy skateboard/guitar everywhere incase people insist upon seeing your skills, not to mention getting up at 5 a.m. to  create a hairdo that says, ‘This old thing? Lolz dude, I just rolled out of bed. East Coast or West Coast rap?’ There are no shortcuts to being like, whatever. It takes a fuckload of time and effort to achieve, but is so worth it to sit there with your red plastic cup, listening to Thibodeau and the Lady Wrestlers at someone’s crib being all like, whatever. Awesome.

So there it is, folks. Six ways in which you can become the quirkiest S.O.B. that ever graced Starbucks with your presence. Ironically, of course.

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