The Weight Watcher diet originated in 1960’s America and gained strength on our side of the Atlantic when an army of black-trouser and spangly top-wearing women decided that they wanted to wear black trousers and spangly tops in slightly smaller sizes, but without eating less or exercising and maintaining the zero quality of life they enjoyed before. Hooray, what a revelation!
While it is undeniable that Weight Watcher’s heyday is long gone, paving the way for newer, lazier diets for people who just can’t arsed with anything except preparing tens of thousands of tupperware dishes full of carrot sticks and hemp to take into work and eat all day, there is still something to be said about an eating plan where you can sit on your arse all day and still lose weight. That’s some feat.
It is for this reason that I have elected Weight Watchers for ‘Diet of the Month’, which I am using to help me in my quest to contracting a rampant case of diabetes later on in life. Here’s how I got on:
Starting Weight Watchers today with an allocation of 24 points daily. Glad I ate everything in the cupboards last night, including a box of doughnuts, a cake and four litres of cider, to remove the temptation of snacking- that was a brilliant idea. Off to work today with 14 tupperware dished filled with
homemade food that Weight Watchers are paid to endorse no matter how repulsive delicious Weight Watcher recipes, such as Roasted Red Pepper Crumpet Pizzas (yum, all the fun of a vegetarian, cheeseless pizza without the pizza!) and No Points Soup, which is basically just lots of soggy vegetables gargling their own faeces. Delish!
Feeling maniacally happy at the minute, and light as a feather as, despite Weight Watchers saying that on this diet, you can eat carbohydrates, the unwritten rule is that the only carb allowed near your mouth is one piece of dried Nimble bread (basically half a slice of ordinary bread). Well, little pickers wear big knickers!
Feeling my work colleagues seeth behind my back as I point out how unhealthily they’re eating, despite the fact that I’ve only been on a diet for one morning, and that I was fat and unhealthy enough to go on a diet in the first place. Jealousy.
Drive home and sit on my arse all night. *Sips Diet Coke.
Work up this morning, still on a manic high. As seems to be Weight Watchers protocol, the more you begin to starve yourself of a ‘normal’ diet, the more your body gets used to the starvation. Brilliant news! My target weight was eight stones, but now, seeing as I can, I’ll starve myself to 4 stones instead and allow myself to put on 4 stones worth of cake weight. Excellent.
Got punched in the face by someone in work today for telling them that having pasta for lunch ‘does more harm than good’. I can’t believe how unhealthy people are- now that I’ve been on this diet for a whole day, I’ve realised that other people are killing themselves with food. On my way home from work, I called in to Tesco and bought four crates of Diet Coke. Diet Coke has zero points in it so I can have as much as I want. I bet it’s full of nutrients too. *Smug face.
Weighed myself today and lost half a stone in two days- how healthy am I?! Went out and bought myself a new pair of black trousers and a spangly top in a smaller size as motivation to keep going. Don’t feel hungry at all, despite the fact that all I’ve eaten for the past day is a few cans of nutritious Diet Coke. Mmmmm….
Got invited out tomorrow night for a few drinks with friends. Currently living off lettuce leaves and Diet Coke to save up the 48 points needed for a bottle of vodka to get absolutely pissed out of my skull. Thankfully, while one bottle usually isn’t enough, I am hoping the starvation in my system acts as some sort of drunk-accelerator.
Attended a work tribunal regarding Tuesday’s assault by a work colleague earlier today. It was ruled that they had every right to punch me because I was being a [quote] ‘sanctimonious Weight Watcher bastard who thinks they know everything about diets and healthy eating, which is unlikely considering most people who do Weight Watchers gain their weight back eventually but they don’t tell you that in the fucking manual, do they?’ Jealousy.
Went out and got incredibly drunk- spent the entire night crying. Friends couldn’t tolerate me anymore so they left me in the ‘Drunk Dieting Women’ section of the nightclub, which is basically like the smoking section, but instead, houses all of the women in black trousers and spangly tops that, due to starvation, can’t handle their drink and spend the night befriending other dieting women, bonding all night over how much better they are than everyone else for sticking to Weight Watchers and saying things like, ‘I just wish my friends had the willpower to do it for themselves!’ *Sips vodka and Diet Coke.
Had a kebab on the way home. It doesn’t count if you’re so drunk that it was vomited back up anyway.
Reached that place where one becomes aware that food exists again and cannot bear one more second of starvation. Ate a pigeon on my way to work. No- I didn’t eat a pigeon. I ate four pigeons. So ashamed of myself. But pigeons aren’t in the Weight Watchers Points Guide so they were probably zero points anyway. As was all of the debris attached to the Weight Watchers cookery book, that I licked clean just to get some bits of food off it.
Went for my first weigh-in tonight (I got weighed last week but couldn’t start my diet as it wasn’t Monday yet, and under the Weight Watchers Unwritten Code Section B8.3, ‘Thou Shalt Not Start Diets Until Monday Morning. Exceptions include New Year’s Day, The Day After New Years Day (If New Year’s Day Falls On A Weekend), The Day After Your Birthday Week and Sometime After Your Holidays’). Horrified to learn that all that Diet Coke, starvation and low-fat pigeon eating was in vain as I put on four stones. Not only that, but my menstrual cycle packed up and left today with a note that said, ‘I don’t want to sit around and wait for you to start growing fur, so I’m off now’.
Myself and the other members of ‘Betty’s Weight Watcher Group in the Church Hall Friday Night at 8pm’ conspired against the Weight Watcher of the Week, cornering her in the car park, dismembering her and eating her for being such a bitch and losing weight when none of the rest of us did. *Sips Diet Coke.
Went to hospital due to a feeling of insatiable thirst, blurred vision, weakness and increased need to urinate.
Was diagnosed with diabetes. Amputated foot.
*Sips Diet Coke.