How To Be Dead 80s

Ask anyone who knows me and they’ll tell you I’m a total wanker. But, as a possible sidenote, they may mention that I love the 80s and pretty much anything to do with that era. The 1980s was a joyous decade, rich with ridiculous hairstyles and an embarrassment of diamond patterned knits, set against a backdrop of hilariously synthesized sound effects and dickheads doing the sidestep. What’s not to love?

Here’s how you can relive the 80s in five easy steps:

Purchase a Keyboard

In true 80s style, moonwalk your good self down to your local Argos (for any Americans reading, this would be your local Sears) and put down a deposit on a boombastic keyboard. Important: make sure it has a wealth of funky sound effects, like animal and ‘space’ noises, that you can insert into your compositions. All you have to do now is write songs about women who think that you are the one, while, alas, the kid is not your son. In 2012, such situations would involve paternity tests, court appearances, a ton of paperwork and a broken childhood, but in the 80s, it was acceptable to solve paternal confusion by dancing about on lighty-up squares while insinuating that Billie Jean was a right slaaaaag.

Dress to Impress

In order to be dy-no-mite, you need proper 80s threads. Whether you’re attending a disco in your local leisure centre, having a yo-yo competition with your friends, or standing in front of a graffiti-covered wall instructing pedestrians to walk this way, your clothing is key- the more flamboyant, the better. Starve your crotch and arse of any dignity with a pair of luminuous cycling shorts (bike not required), an oversized sweater with a picture of Daffy Duck on it and a zippy bag that clips around your waist to carry a Duran Duran keyring in. If you want to go formal, a pair of hammertime trousers are fetching when coupled with a exaggerated shoulder-padded blazer- ideal for shuffling from side to side, scaring the shit out of passer-bys while informing them of their inability to touch this.

Don’t Mess with the ‘Do

For those of you who think that their hair is too unmanageable to fashion into an 80s style- good news: 80s hair is all about looking like a fucking lunatic, so if your hair looks ridiculous when unstyled, then you’re already halfway there. If your hair is a frizzy mess, tie it back with an enormous green scrunchie or tortoise-shell clamp- and don’t forget to gel the bejeezus out of your fringe to achieve that ‘extra greasy’ look! If you prefer to wear your hair down, throw a bowl over your head and use as a guide to roughly cut your hair into a style that you will look back at in photographs and say, ‘What the fuck was I thinking?!‘. Fellas- fluff the top of your hair to achieve bouncy curls while combing the back down to ensure your mullet is Achy Breaky Heart material.

Live in Denial

Many people look back at the 80s as a simpler time- this may be true of earlier decades, but the rise in corporate power, greed and general cuntishness were all products of the 80s, and all of the shit that happens now just happened back then too, behind closed doors. The only thing that was different was that 80s people pretended things like paedophilia, murder and prostitution didn’t exist. The best way to be in denial is to thrown on a pair of cycling shorts, chill on a beanbag and when anyone approaches you with serious or bad news, just say, ‘What you talkin’ ’bout, Willis?‘ and let the canned laughter run until the scene finishes- thus evading any problematic situations. When you read the papers, be all, like, ‘One Direction are most definately not having sex with their underaged fans’, and force your family to have ‘quality time’ by sitting around the dinner table every day communicating with each other, even though you are secretly frightened to inform them of your life insurance policy lest they murder you in your sleep.

And finally, Create a dance move

If I had a penny for every dance move born in the 80s, I’d have enough cash to buy myself a dress worthy of inspiring Zack Morris to ditch Kelly Kapowski and dance with me at the senior prom instead, which would almost guarantee that I’d be crowned prom queen and A.C. Slater would congratulate me by saying, ‘Well done, mama’. Swoon. Anyway, dances like the Cabbage Patch (fuck), the Robot (double fuck) and the Running Man (infinity fuck) have originated from our most bitchin’ decade, but that’s not to say that you can’t pick an inane 80s song and make up a new dance routine by ”doing the actions” to the lyrics (e.g. if the song says ‘my heart’ then make your hands into a butterfly shape, put them to the left of your chest and make ‘throbbing’ motions). Remember to always dance with a pair of knee-length socks worn as ankle-socks inside clunky black plimsoles, and with a serious expression on your face to denote that you are the coolest cat this side of the Love Shack.

Cowabunga, dudes! Etc.

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