How To Mend A Broken Heart

Break ups are rough. Not only must you deal with the mental anguish of having fought with your partner for months, but you also need to get used to living life without the person that you once loved, or even still love. But how do you break up without having a breakdown, and how can you move on with life when life has moved on? Insert other cliches about ending a relationship here.

Here are five steps to mend that broken heart:

Throw Out Their Shit

Throwing out the shit that belonged to your bastard ex is a very therapeutic way to mark the end of your relationship. Once you round up all of their valuable, important belongings (old family photos, birth certificates etc.), place them into a box and take these items to their place of residence to see which of these items they would like to keep. Seperate their items into a ‘Keep’ pile and a ‘Throw Away’ pile. Once completed, say, ‘You’re never getting these back, motherfucker!’, douse the ‘Keep’ pile in a flammable liquid and set alight while laughing like a maniac. Then start kicking the ‘Throw Away’ pile around the room while singing ‘I Saw The Sign’ by Ace of Base with the crazed eyes of a lion chasing a baby deer. Once you’ve adequately pissed on their chips, exit gracefully.

Talk It Out

Talking about your ex allows you to voice your emotions, externalise your grief and, ultimately, move on. My advice is to talk to anyone who will listen, so call up your local radio station under the guise of taking part in a listener quiz and then, when on air, shout, ‘(Ex’s name) is a wankbag and a dog murderer!‘. Similarly, you can also talk it out with your ex’s work colleagues, by ringing their work line extensions and making them aware that your ex is a cunt. The same effect can be achieved online, by creating a chat account on a teen chatroom with your ex’s picture and home address, plus the username ‘Chuckles the Paedophile’. Finally, if you’ve done all of the above and still feel a bit sour about the break-up, be an adult and talk directly to your ex by turning up in their front garden and shouting ‘I hope you die!’ until their neighbours ring the police.

Go On Dates

While it isn’t advisable to get into anything serious when you’ve just ended a long-term relationship, it is a good idea to get out there and start meeting new people. Aren’t sure where to begin? Try befriending you ex’s friends and see if one of them wants to disregard the Bro/Girl Code long enough for you to use them to make your ex jealous and hurt. If your ex’s friends are loyal and see you for the antisocial psychopath that you are- not a problem. Just find someone else to use and conduct your dates outside your ex’s house or place of work. Make sure to laugh like a fucking maniac at everything your date says, as this will tell your ex: ‘I’m over you. You bastard. Why did you leave me? I’ll kill myself if you tell me it’s over for good. Go on- call my bluff.’

Change Your Routine

After a break up, it’s easy to sit and wallow, not leaving the house for days and sitting around crying. But in reality, there is no time like the present to change your routine and start establishing new norms to help you integrate into a new, better lifestyle. And it doesn’t have to be expensive, either. For example, start going clubbing at night by dancing to ‘Fighter’ by Christina Aguilera blasting on your car radio on the street of your ex’s new home and watch while they gets the message that you are so over it. Or, if nightlife isn’t your thing, you could quit your job so you could spend your days creating fake profiles on Facebook to lure your ex into an internet romance to cry over later.

Be Happy

Ultimately, being happy is the only way to free yourself from all of the misery caused when your relationship broke down in the first place. But how does one achieve happiness after a break-up? Simple. Create a Facebook group called ‘Being Happy When You See Your Ex With Someone Uglier Than You’ with a picture of your ex and their new partner attached, then spend all day (having quit your job at this stage) administrating the page with status updates about how big your ex’s new partner’s nose is, how fat they are and how they look too bookish. Show everyone how happy you are by saying things like ‘When we faded, you downgraded. Bitch needs to go back to the pound. Fuck you’.

Hashtag winning.

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4 thoughts on “How To Mend A Broken Heart

  1. Hahahahaha I actually love you! I thought funny people in this world were becoming extinct but you have just restored my faith in humanity!

  2. Mechelle Hammond says:

    Haha geg love it keep them coming xx

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