We are busier than ever before and it is so difficult to find the time to exercise- which is why I am a firm believer in fitting exercise into your daily routine. This month’s exercise move is brought to you by the letter ‘D’ for ‘Downfall of the Economy’, ‘Depression’, ‘Dead End’ and ‘Dude, where’s my lie in?‘, taking that time of day in which you genuinely think you might actually kill yourself, and adding physical activity to it.
Here’s how to do the ‘Refusing to Get Out of Bed’ workout:
Prepare for your workout in advance by not going to bed at a reasonable hour and staying up to watch a much-repeated episode of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. Make sure to drink plenty of fluids so that you have to wake up numerous times throughout the night to go to the toilet, ensuring that any possibility of a good night’s sleep is eliminated, you shhllllaggg.
Having had a terrible night’s sleep, your alarm goes off, signalling the start of your workout. Work those triceps as you snooze every five minutes for the next half an hour, and feel the burn in your lower arms as you death-grip your duvet to try to block out the bleak world that you face when you eventually have to get out of bed. Why is life so cruel?
After half an hour of tricep-work with the snooze button, the real work begins. As you are now pushed for time, your partner or parent will enter the room and say, ‘Get out of bed, you lazy bastard! Why do you never learn to go to bed early?’, at which point, you should feel the burn in your abdominal muscles as you drag your lifeless torso upright to say, ‘Fuck off and leave me alone’ (like so)…
Lie back down in bed. Repeat five times. Feel beads of sweat form as you, deep down, feel embarrassed that you’re such a failure and can’t even manage to get your own shit together without the intervention of someone else. Who secretly resents you.
After your parent or partner eventually shouts, ‘I don’t know what to do with you anymore! You can sort yourself out from now on, you turdbag!’ and slams the door as they leave, feel your chest muscles working overtime as you sob marvellously and shout, ‘Why me?!?!’ Shake your fist towards the sky if you want to ‘up’ the intensity of your workout.
Feel your brain muscles go into a frenzy as you search fruitlessly for an alternative to this dreary life of monotony. Take your breathing down to a relaxed level as you realise that you have no choice but to get up and get on with your day. Work those leg muscles as you stomp around the floor like a stroppy child.
Imagine you’re taking part in the London Olympics 2012 as you grasp your alarm clock and throw it like a javelin at the wall, smashing it into a thousand pieces. Laugh like a hyena, or, if you aren’t doing this at intermediate level, an evil genuis. Exit the room.
Finally, to round off your workout, give your shoulders and chest muscles a battering by weeping copiously. Cry the whole way through Daybreak, weep as your brush your teeth to the extent your tears get into your mouth and you are effectively brushing your teeth with your own sadness, and sob the whole way to work. To complete the workout, get those legs going by kicking a pigeon on your journey, just because you can.
And… rest! Repeat every morning for effective results.
If nothing else, you’ll get free anti-depressants from your local GP. Get in.