Monthly Archives: August 2012

How To Be A Gentleman

Recent television comedy hit, How To Be A Gentleman, is the sort of gripping stuff that you stick on while you record something else that you actually want to watch so that you can later fast-forward through the advertisements- it’s that great.

But the sentiment behind the show is spot on- where have all the gentlemen gone? Considering a recent survey concluded that, aside from ‘a rich man without family who only has two weeks to live’, ‘a gentleman’ is considered optimum marriage material for women today who still don’t think marriage is a load of bollocks.

So there you have it, guys- women want gentlemen. But how does one achieve ‘gentleman‘ status? Are you the sort of male who puts bros before hos? Do you have two mobile phones- one for everyday use, and one for drug dealing and general cheating on your main bitch? And do you like to hit it and quit it?

If you answered ‘yes’ to any of the above- this guide is for you. Here’s how to be a gentleman:

Personal Hygiene

A gentleman must maintain excellent personal hygiene standards at all times. This can be achieved by spritzing half a bottle of Lynx into your bath water, then dousing yourself in the other half when you’ve finished bathing. Don’t forget to spray some on the arse of your trunks too- women think this is charming, and definately won’t make fun of you to their mates behind your back.

Appearance

Being committed to a refined appearance is key to being a gentleman. Just look at Scott Disick– he dresses well, his attire is perfectly pressed, he even has a cane to complete many an outfit. It doesn’t matter that behind that twat-exterior, he’s definately killed a few women is his time, because he looks the part. Choose outfits that similtaneously say, ‘Can I buy you a drink, gorgeous?’ and ‘I would like to represent myself in this court of law, your honour. I may not have a law degree, but I certainly did not spike that woman’s drink- she consented to that shot of rohynol and the truth will speak for itself.‘ *Creepy sneer.

Courting

A gentleman always courts a lady in a dignified and respectful manner. Take your good lady to the Burger King of her choosing, and always remember to pull out her chair (if not bolted to the ground), patting her on the arse as she sits down. Remember to order on behalf of your company- selecting a salad so your date feels hefty and embarrassed by the hint that they are a general dodger of salads. A gentleman always pays, but with the expectation of equal rights, this has the potential to be awkward. Take the sting out of the situation by rolling up a few notes and stuffing them down the cleavage of your lady friend, saying, ‘You’ve earned that, petal’. Make sure to allow your hand to linger around the cleavage area for an inappropriate amount of time, saying, ‘Just getting my money’s worth’  if your date looks uncomfortable.

Engagement

A gentleman can be courteous by asking questions to acquaintances, both male and female, building rapports and forging friendships wherever he can. For example, while most adults would write off teenagers as being immature, try to strike up a conversation with your younger counterparts and find common ground. You could say ‘Oh, your studying GCSE double-award Science? Tell me, how does one make chloroform in a kitchen sink, and how long would it knock your victim out for? And is there anyway to erase fingerprints? I’m just asking for a friend. I’ll give you a tenner if you pretend this conversation never happened.’

Respect

A gentleman is always respectful and helpful when possible. When he encounters a pregnant lady, it is advisable to not only open a door for her, but also say something to the tune of, ‘Your pregnancy weight hasn’t wrecked that arse. I’d still give you an eight-and-a-half’, so that the lady feels respected yet attractive.

Swearing

A gentleman never motherfucking swears. Even if he drops a fucking great big bloody large bastard of a piano on his cunting foot and it hurts like a fucking motherfucker, he still smiles and doesn’t acknowledge that the bastard has just bastarding crippled him. Fuck. Etc.

Conversation

A gentleman steers clear of political, religious and other potential controversial topics so as not to offend or upset anyone. If others persist in bringing up controversial views, the power of ‘shrugging it off’ is a virtue. Your company may say things like ‘Man up, you prick’ or ‘You aren’t a real man’, but laughing it off and not getting involved in petty arguments will ultimately be more pleasing for all involved.

And you can torch that mother’s house later on.

Where’s my petrol?

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Exercise Move of the Month- Moving House

It’s that time again, folks! Time to burn a few calories and work towards not feeling embarrassed at how fat you look in a swimsuit by doing our Exercise Move of the Month. This month’s move is brought to you by other people’s fucking selfishness forcing you out of your own home and is called ‘Moving House’.

Moving House is a predominantly cardiovascular exercise, with plenty of sweating and hard graft- but also, gives the core a good workout by being an absolute fucking nuisance. Here’s how to do it:

Step One

Your neighbours are inconsiderate bastards and refuse to stop making noise, no matter how many times you ask them nicely. Warm up to the exercise by persistently dragging yourself reluctantly to their door, and feel your facial muscles strain as you try to maintain a friendly relationship by smiling while talking to their pathetic, worthless faces.

Hold your arms down as you try not to punch them in the stomach. Later, feel your heart rate rising as you are, yet again, woken by the noise of an obese man heaving himself around the room dancing to ‘Can’t Touch This’ while his irritating friends laugh without abandon. Do some shoulder-toning by sobbing to yourself all night.

Step Two

Ring round estate agents and book a few property viewings. While being shown around prospective homes, feel the burn in your eye sockets as you eye-roll relentlessly while being fed lie after lie about the frankly, depressing shitholes that are in your budget. Find somewhere you can tolerate and sign on the dotted line. Go home and open a bottle of alcohol, doing mini-armcurls all night as you lift the bottle to your mouth. Burn off all of your daily calories consumed as your vomit tearfully all night. Hear the opening bars of ‘Can’t Touch This’ mid-spew, and tone your biceps by putting the fucking ceiling in with a brush handle.

Step Three

It’s the day before moving day, so pack up all your shit into boxes, burning off thousands of calories through sustained cardiovascular activity. Start off slow by being well-meaning with your packing, leading into an intense fury of throwing everything into boxes, and just sellotaping that motherfucker up. After you’ve worked up a sweat, bring your heart rate back down to a normal level by going for a brisk walk to obtain a solitary dog turd, which you should deposit into your neighbours post box. Feel your stomach crunch as you laugh like a fucking maniac at the thought of them having to spend the time cleaning it that they’d much rather be spending mingling with their virtual friends on Second Life and other cuntish, loud activities that they seem to favour.

Step Four

Now this is where the workout steps up a little. Get up in the morning with stress-related diarrhea, which is made worse by your estate agent calling you and telling you they can’t find the keys to your new property, or other incompetent drivel. If you are purchasing your new property, expect a call from the mortgage company to inform you of a mix-up that they knew about months ago, but didn’t tell you about because you were ‘in a queue’. While this step doesn’t contain cardio, you’ll probably lose a fuckload of stress-pounds, or die of a stroke.

Step Five

If you’ve survived step four, then you’ll probably have an adrenaline rush-perfect for transporting your entire, boxed up life from one place to another. By now, you’re doing a combination of heavy lifting, walking and twisting- a perfect workout.

Step Six

Your neighbour has torn himself away from his game of Dungeons and Dragons long enough to twig that it was you who put the dog turd in their letter box. Have a huge, public fight about how much of a dickhead each of you thinks the other one is, complete with a cardio-friendly bitchslapping match. Throw a cardboard box at your neighbour, which is full of kitchen utensils. In half-error, half-fate, a knife in the box slips out and stabs your neighbour in the eye. Pause for a moment in pure horror, and then grab what you can, running for your life. Feel the burn in your legs as your sprint, never looking back. Use those arm muscles as you propel yourself from the crime scene, and give your tear ducts a workout as you ugly-cry in shock at what just happened. If you are doing this workout at an advanced level, you can also step it up by imagining you are in a montage with the song ‘Smalltown Boy’ by Communards playing in your head.

Step Seven

Reach your new property and bring your heart rate down to resting level. For the next six months, sustain a nervous energy as you wait in anticipation for the knock on your door that will result in your arrest. Tone your shoulders every night during this time by doing more sobbing in horror. Workout your core by being shaken to it. Finally, complete your workout by dancing for joy after seeing a death notice for your old neighbour in the newspaper, who died of a heart attack while dancing to Can’t Touch This.

And… rest!

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How To Write a CV

Queue ‘The Apprentice’ theme music- heavy on the trumpets. The job market is tougher than ever before, and to succeed, you need to stand out. But how does one stand out on an A4 page? What information helps you get the application stage nailed, and what details can get you jailed? And how can you get that acceptance letter mailed, or avoid HR calling to your house to have you impaled? Fucking etc.

The following helps to explain what you can write in your CV to help you to stand out, and get a call back.

Section One- Personal Information

Start off your CV with your name as a bold heading. Don’t forget to include your childhood nickname, which you can place in the middle of your name (e.g. John ‘Fartypants’ Smith, Greg ‘Pickynose’ Jones).

Underneath your contact information, you can include a personal profile, which details a general overview of your life, mild professional information and your current situation related to why you are suited to the industry you are applying for. For example, if you are applying for a job as a vet, you could say,

‘My name is Doug, which is like the word ‘Dog’ but with a ‘U’, which to you, is me- so I’m kind of already like a dog, then. I had a cat as a pet but it got old and went to live on a farm, and I never really got over it. Now I want to help other animals not go to live on farms. What I lack in qualifications, I make up for in knife skills and speaking horse. Also, I only eat animals that I find at the side of the road. I feel that vegetablism is well important when being a doctor of animals. The end’.

Section Two- Education

Write your educational information and qualifications in reverse chronological order. Ensure that you do not lie about your grades or qualifications with any colleges or schools you have attended in the past, as your employer will check. Instead, invent fictional schools or colleges (e.g. St. Doug’s School of Dead Hard Things, or Sir Douglas College of Teaching the Prescribed Curriculum and a Bit More on Top of That) and then award yourself maximum grades in any subjects you want. The best bit is, if any prospective employers ring you to verify, you can also tell them that you were the best student the school has ever had- which is technically true, seeing as you only just went and founded the fucker. Just remember to do your best ‘Einstein’ voice to fool those pesky HR reps.

Section Three- Employment

Just like the Education section, list your employment in reverse chronological order. If you haven’t been consistently in employment, use your wordsmithy-ness to turn even the most half-arsed of money-receiving tasks into a successful employment experiences, e.g.

August 2010- Present: Gambling Freelancer

Tasks: Knowing when to hold ’em, and knowing when to fold ’em

             Slot machine usage analysis

             Current affairs expert of the sport betting sector

August 2008- July 2010: Professional Property Assistant Manager

Tasks: Putting on lights to warn off burglars Management

              Food rotation and food waste reduction

              Ensuring the smooth operation of the TV in the front room

July 2001- July 2008: Benefits Recipient Executive

Tasks: Periodic Inspection of Jobcentre

             Contributor to manipulated numbers than comprise sensationalised Daily Mail benefit recipient slander

             Scapegoat provider to tax evasion for the rich

However, if you have a parent who is self-employed, say that you work as their assistant. Nothing more believable than that. Boom.

Section Four: Skills and Relevant Information

Despite the gross over-use of the word ‘skills’, no-one really has a fucking clue what a skill is. Let’s face it, things like ‘organisational skills’ and ‘time management skills’ are only real things if you’re a robot. Therefore, this is the section in which you can make up anything you want, with the word ‘skills’ suffixed to it, with absolutely no repercussions and no need to prove that you’re not just lying through your dishonest little arse. My suggestions for skills that are attractive to prospective employers? See below.

Ninja skills

Tea making, and keeping on top the replenishment of tea-making components, skills

Getting a bit of banter going skills

Up the arse of the boss skills

Not getting caught sitting on Facebook all day skills

Making up office nickname skills

Rolling your eyes at Wilma from Accounting who always gets flowers from her boyfriend skills

Seeing Wilma from Accounting’s boyfriend kissing another woman in a nightclub and telling everyone in the office except Wilma so we can all bitch about her behind her back skills

Bringing in interesting pictures to put on your desk skills

Ability to passive-aggressively bring in cake every day because I wanted cake but I feel guilty eating it on my own but if everyone else gets fat then I don’t have to feel as bad skills

Organising Friday’s pint after work skills.

Section Five- Interests and Activities

Remember when you were a kid and you had all sorts of hopes and dreams for yourself? And remember when you were sitting right now identifying with loads of this because everyone eventually turns out to be a big failure? Yeah, well, best to lie and pretend you have interests and activities that you actively do rather than watch TV, drink and occasionally cry to yourself about how depressing your life is. Make it as outlandish as you want because it makes you sound interesting and even if your prospective employer knows that you’re lying, it’s better to be a pathological liar than a lazy fucker with a Jesus-complex. Might I suggest:

I am an over-achieving, marathon-running, elephant owner with a nut allergy so severe, I could die at any second. Living on borrowed time has taught me the value of every second, which is why I wear a kitchen clock as a necklace, just like Flava Flav, which is funny- because he’s my cousin. But not my blood cousin, as I was stolen at birth and am currently being held hostage by my adopted family, of five cheetahs, an umbrella and a bag of Doritos (Nacho Cheese flavour). In my spare time, I like to build time machines, cure cancer and Keep Up with the Kardashians, which is easy- because I’m Kourtney. And Kim. Finally, while I’ve never failed at anything, I’m dead humble and singing my own praises about being Michael Jackson, owning Poland and coming second in a Monopoly beauty contest really embarrasses me.

Oh, remember to attach a picture of yourself, too, so that everyone can have a good LOL at your expense.

Hello- new job!

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Where Are They Now… The Cast of Saved By The Bell

Back in the early ’90s, they were the coolest kids on the planet and started many a trend, including turning a chair backwards to sit on it and… erm, those red basket for chips that Americans seem to like. But what are the cast of Saved By The Bell up to nowadays? Did they get to the corner just in time to see the bus fly by, or was it alright because it was saved by the bell? Etc. Here’s the current scoop on the cast:

Mark-Paul Gosselaar (Zack Morris)

After finding fame as Zack Morris, a preppy jokester with the ability to call ‘time out’ and effectively stop time, Gosselaar failed to achieved the same level of success in roles post-SBTB. But that’s alright, because now Gosselaar uses his time-stopping ability to spend his days spontaneously stopping time and wrecking havoc. ‘I’ll call ‘Time Out’ and go into nightclubs, grope a few women, spike a few drinks- the usual. But it’s not all bad- sometimes I just call ‘Time Out’ and go out in public where I can shout ‘I was the Zack Morris’ without public scorn‘, he recently confessed. To police. In connection to a rape allegation.

Tiffani Thiessen (Kelly Kapowski)

Thisessen portrayed All-American girl, Kelly Kapowski, in the hit show- an iconic character that was the first love of many teens of the early ’90s. And Thiessen knows all too well that there is huge public demand for her to reprise her role. ‘I’m certain that, someday soon, I’m going to get the call telling me that Kelly’s getting her own spin-off show, so until that day, I wake up and ‘be’ Kelly all day long,’ she laughs. ‘It’s a tough task- I listen to George Michael and pretend that he’s still heterosexual, which is a full-time job on it’s own. I spend hours on the phone pretending to gossip with Lisa Turtle. And I’ve even had to get hairplugs from coiffing my fringe into an ’80’s do for the past 30 years. But it will all be worth it when I get my own show. Sorry, did I just foam at the mouth?‘ Keep living the dream, Tiff!

Dustin Diamond (Samuel ‘Screech’ Powers)

Screech was the sort of lovable High School weirdo who, if his character was a real person, would have probably cracked under the pressure and shot up the school cafeteria one day after listening to a Marilyn Manson song. Luckily, he’s just a character. But Dustin Diamond, who played Screech, is also the type of person to go on a shooting rampage- if he had the balls to do it, which he doesn’t. However, Diamond has had the balls to pen a ‘tell-all’ book about the seedy behind-the-scenes scandals of SBTB, which not only contains heavy use of the word ‘douchenozzle’, but also claims that Diamond has slept with over 2,000 women, most of whom he picked up at Disneyland, and that he had an affair with his SBTB TV exec boss- who died in 2003 and therefore, isn’t able to furiously deny his claims. And the most hilarious bit about this is that I didn’t have to make any of it up.

Mario Lopez (A.C. Slater)

A.C. Slater was the ultimate high school jock who inexplicably spent his days hanging around with Screech, when in reality, their positions at opposite ends of the social spectrum meant that they would only have interacted in the gym showers when conducting a secret affair. In real life, Mario- real name Cecil Tweedstamps– has spent his days post-SBTB trying to re-invent himself as a TV presenter, fronting quality shows such as an hour-long, weekly show in which members of the public bring their pets on to the stage and command them to do tricks while the pet stares blankly ahead, clearly upset by the cameras. ‘I love presenting Petstar!Mario exclaims. ‘It’s a cross between watching paint dry, and someone pissing on your chips.’

Lark Voorhies (Lisa Turtle)

Shy Lark played Lisa Turtle– fashionista and future person who looks back at photos of her clothing and says, ‘What the fuck was I thinking?‘ As the saying goes, Lark wears many hats in the entertainment biz, and while this usually refers to someone who works in many different areas of the business, Lark just wears lots of hats. ‘Sometimes I wear bowler hats, other times I might wear a beanie hat. When I’m feeling fancy, I’ll wear a fascinator and pretend I’m going to a wedding. But at the minute, I’m wearing a lot of baseball hats as I’m feeling a bit out of sorts. I don’t know what happened- one minute, I’m going about my business, the next, I find myself in a stranger’s bed and Mark-Paul Gosselaar is being questioned by the police,‘ she cries.

Elizabeth Berkley (Jessie Spano)

While Jessie Spano was always on a crusade for equal rights, her character loved a bit of male attention and she was known for her tight jeans as much as her half-arsed feminist pontification. While Elizabeth’s acting roles since SBTB, a wealth of stripper characters, would leave Jessie Spano outwardly horrified but secretly pleased about the male attention, she uses her free time to paint and create art. In fact, her painting was the muse behind the song  ‘Jessie Paints a Picture’. ‘I’ll paint anything- family portraits, nature, whatever you want. The paintings are $30, and two for 50- but for you, I’ll do them for $45. I’ll only do nudes if you wear a pair of paper-pants, and I’ll just use my imagination to fill in the blanks,’ she said in a recent interview. ‘Just pop your clothes over on the chair’.

Time out.

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How To Be A Heartbreaker

Recently, I wrote about how to mend a broken heart for all of you loveless Lucilles out there who can’t seem to tie that love-lasso tight enough in the neck area to send your victim to sleep (what a waste of Rohypnol). But what about those of you who don’t have a broken heart, but rather, would like to be a heartbreaker? 

Would you like to be a modern day Arthur ‘The Fonz’ Fonzerelli? Does the thought of aggravated sexual assault leave you all shook up, not shaken up? And when it comes to love, are you too cool for school or erm… not… that cool. Sorry, I choked under the weight of all these puns.

Here are my tips for being a heartbreaker.

Thou Shall Do The Face

In the song, When You’re in Love with a Beautiful Woman by Dr. Hook, he describes his relationship with a good-looking woman, which over time, causes him to ‘watch her eyes’ and ‘look for lies’. Assuming he isn’t a doctor of optometry and such acts are not routine medical procedures, the song describes how one’s heart is easily broken when in love with someone beautiful.

Therefore, in order to be a heartbreaker, you need to cover up that nasty and invest in some rhinoplasty, and other surgical procedures that didn’t rhyme there. If you aren’t a natural beauty and think inner beauty is more important, buy yourself a copy of Heat and try to survive an hour without crying, then putting a sheet over your face and refusing to take it off until you get cheek implants, or other nonsensical vital surgery. Think of surgery as an investment, as you can always con your money back from one of the dirty old pensioners lurking about the Playboy mansion pretending to enjoy chasing after young women but, given the chance, would much rather prefer to swap that Viagra for a night of checkers and ‘accidentally’ knocking down small children while clumsily reversing around a supermarket aisle end on their mobility scooter.

 

Thou Shalt Not Let Thyself Go

What’s the point in having the face of a delightful angel, and the body of an Angel Delight fifteen-packet-a-day addict? In order to be a heartbreaker, your body needs to be in the best shape possible, which can be achieved in one of two ways: A) Liposuction and other surgeries- which is costly and require some investment or (my favourite) B) Diet and exercise. Diet and exercise is no fun when conducted safely, at a reasonable pace and with realistic expectations. No- instead, you must go full throttle at an exercise routine; pulling a car on a rope, running marathons daily and listening to Eye of the Tiger on repeat as you flail wildly around the gym. And how do you keep your energy up whilst in training? Certainly not with food, because your diet only consists of water, carrots and the odd rice cake on your birthday. Yay, this is so worth it.

It doesn’t matter if starvation and burn out diet and exercise leaves you more irritable than a bear that has just been woken from a deep sleep by being poked repeatedly in the testicles with a sharp twig- if you’re thin and beautiful, people won’t care if you’re a total cunt.

Thou Shalt Not Waste Time Being Personable

To reiterate my last point, being thin and beautiful makes you exempt from the expectation of possessing a personality. Just look at Angelina Jolie– if she looked like Dawn French, she would have been shot long ago. So, just work on that outer beauty for now, petal. This is great advice.

Just remember: Inner Beauty is Not Your Duty- Pretty Exterior Makes You Superior. Repeat this mantra every morning to yourself in the mirror, or when anyone calls you a cheap whore in public and shouts that you were only after their money. Bastard.

Thou Shalt Not Give A Fuck About Others

In order to be a heartbreaker, one must break hearts- that means people are going to get hurt. But hey, who cares, right? Have you ever watched an action film in which thousands of civilians were carelessly killed and then never referenced again because the whole film centres around the protagonist being hailed as a hero in the end? Yeah, well that’s kind of what this is like.

My suggestion for not giving a fuck about others is to drink a lot until you’re numb and dancing around a stripper pole. Or if all else fails, rebrand milking people dry for their money in exchange for sex and companionship by telling people that ‘Beauty is Power’ and other shit like that. Here’s to you, Kimora Lee Simmons. You shhhhlllaggg.

So, to sum up- Look good and have little to say except a prompt ‘Fuck off’ to anyone who calls you out on your shit.

I’m going to be reincarnated as a toilet.

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Ten Things You Never Knew About… The Spice Girls

The Spice Girls are rumoured to be set to reform for one last show at the Olympics 2012 Closing Ceremony. The girls comprised one of the ’90s’ most iconic pop bands- hosting sold out concerts, coveting multiple Christmas number 1 spots on the UK chart and even starring in their own film. But how much do you really know about the Spice Girls? Here’s ten facts you never knew about our five favourite poptarts:

1. When they originally formed, the Spice Girls had grand ideas about representing the concept of ‘Girl Power’– an idea that aimed to empower women, gave them a voice and promoted equality between males and females. Once they had been given permission to do this by their male manager, Simon Fuller, the girls marketed their ‘Girl Power’ image by wearing slutty clothes, having lots of public catfights and being anorexic. Brilliant.

2. The aliases that made them famous: Scary Spice, Sporty Spice, Ginger Spice, Posh Spice and Baby Spice almost didn’t happen. Originally, the girls wanted to call themselves Butch Spice, Bulimia Spice, The Bestest One Spice, I’m Rolling My Eyes At This Spice and Passive Aggressive Spice. Simon Fuller said no. Girl Power.

3. While their first successful release was ‘Wannabe’ in 1996, the Spice Girls had released a prior song that had failed to set the charts alight, reaching number 38 on the ‘Children’s Party Song’ chart. ‘Last Night I Spat In Grumpyface’s Tea- Next Time I’ll Piss In It’ was penned by Geri Halliwell, aka Ginger Spice, and to this day, the rumours that the song is inspired by her ongoing hatred for Victoria Beckham are unconfirmed.

4. Geri isn’t the only aspiring songwriter of the group. Mel C, aka Sporty Spice had written songs during her time in the group, but alas, ‘Going To Start A Rumour That I’m A Lesbian (And See What Happens)’, ‘Broad Shoulders’ and ‘My Adidas Button-Up Don’t Wash Very Well’ didn’t make it on to any of the group’s albums.

5. The band was rocked when Geri Halliwell decided to bow out in 1998, and rumours of a rift between Geri and Mel B, aka Scary Spice were rife. However, in reality, the reason for Geri’s departure was due to creative differences between her and all of the other girls, who disagreed with Geri’s vision to rename the group, ‘Geri Halliwell and the Other People’, in which they would only release songs about Geri and her positive attributes. The idea that the group would spend their free time trying to build a time travelling machine for the purpose of travelling back to Geri’s school days and slapping her now-deceased music teacher who had said Geri had [quote] ‘not an ounce of talent in her deluded body’ were also rejected.

6. In 1998, while Geri’s departure from the band left their musical future in tatters, Victoria Beckham (then Adams), aka Posh Spice, was about to embark upon a romantic adventure. We now know her as the wife of David Beckham, but Victoria had to kiss a lot of frogs to meet her prince. ‘I realised I’d be back on the dole once the band was over and needed to secure myself a rich husband before that happened, so I made my way around the Premiership and touched lucky on my 78th go’, says the WAG, ‘Thank God for David- he’s my pedestal. Did I say pedestal? I meant rock.’

7. One person who has managed to maintain a friendship with all of the others is Emma Bunton, aka Baby Spice. ‘I just let those fuckers waffle on about how much they hate the others, and nod along. I barely even listen. Now I’m worrying that it’s given me a brain tumour. But don’t worry, because if I play my cards right, surviving that will no doubt secure me a spot on Loose Women when Carol McGiffen pulls a sickie due to menopause’, she laughs.

8. After the Spice Girls officially disbanded, the girls have had successful solo careers. But no more so than Mel B, who spends her days getting pregnant by high profile Hollywood actors, then having publicly documented fights with them in tabloids over the paternity of her children. ‘I’m laying the foundation for my children to follow on in the family business by securing them their own reality shows in which they are filmed on their journeys to find their fathers later in life. After all, ‘It’s a Scary World’ out there, people! Jenny Craig. Other endorsements!’ says the star.

9. Sadly, it has been reported that Mel B’s rampant success after the Spice Girls has provoked a lot of jealousy amongst the others. ‘I wish I was on Bo Selecta,‘ moaned Victoria.

10. The Spice Girls have vowed that their up-coming performance at the London Olympics’ Closing Ceremony will be their last, but with the public hotly anticipating the reunion, some of the girls are hoping that the performance will reignite the band. ‘I wear leggings all day anyway, so as long as I get to wear tracksuit bottoms, I’m in’, says an enthusiastic Mel C. Emma Bunton has also been quoted as saying, ‘If it doesn’t affect my Child Tax Credits, then I’ll do it’. Geri Halliwell is said to be the mastermind behind the potential comeback. ‘I’m sharpening my knife’, laughs the star. Maniacally.

I’m away to cut my ears off.

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How To Deal With Regrets

Last week, Jordan admitted that she regretted her relationship with Alex Reid, which she had rushed into following her divorce from Peter Andre. To be fair, anyone would regret any sort of contact with Alex Reid, from my eyes that regret not blinding themselves with acid and therefore not preventing themselves from seeing Alex Reid’s stupid face in the tabloids, to his own mother, who probably regrets giving birth to him. The general rule is, if even scumbags like Katie Price don’t like you, then you’re some sort of mega-cunt.

Anyway, as we go through life, we make decisions that sometimes force us to have regrets. It’s inevitable. But when past regrets get in the way of your future, the cycle of acquiring regrets will continue and stop you from being able to progress in life. Here’s how to deal with regrets in a healthy way:

Move On

We all make mistakes in life, but moving on is essential to help progress with life rather than wallowing in misery and regret. Close the chapter on the part of your life that you regret and learn from past mistakes. For example, if you regret your relationship with your partner but don’t know how to end it, move on by passively cheating on them with random strangers for a few months. Also, as you are too cowardly to end things in a dignified manner, pen a fake suicide note, blaming your partner for ruining your life which you can leave ‘casually’ around the house for your partner to find and secretly read. If they still don’t get the hint- dress up in their underwear and write the word ‘Bitch‘ across your stomach in a garish shade of red lipstick, wait for your partner to come home from work and be so horrified that they end it there and then. Remember: there is no ‘dumped’ in the word ‘transvestite’, but there is an ‘I RAN’. I ran so far away. Boom: relationship terminated and both parties are moving on (with the help of counselling and rampant anti-anxiety tablets).

Take a Leap of Faith

As humans, we are nurtured to fear rejection and over time, this can prevent risk-taking, which can lead to regret. The best way to overcome this fear is to stop worrying about what people think of you and your decisions, and take the risks that may be worth the reward- regardless of outcome. Stop worrying about what people think of you by doing the following: Drink. Drink yourself to the point of collapse, and start getting all rowdy drunk and telling everyone in your company that you ‘don’t give a fuck, motherfucker!’ Get right in there and invade their personal space- make sure to spit while talking too, that usually makes a great impression. Then, after you vomit all over the poor bastard you’ve cornered, see how long it takes you to cry about it. If you don’t cry until the shame of your hangover sets in the next morning, then you have mastered the art of not worrying about the opinions of others’. Just make sure to start drinking again immediately, forevermore.

Think About Death. Constantly.

If you were lying on your deathbed, what would you be thinking? I wish I had’ve earned more money? I wish I’d worked more? I wish I’d spent more time sitting about watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians? Hell to the no, biznatch- you’d wish you’d spent more time with the ones you love. Fact. So, instead of having regreting not having made time for your loved ones, make time for them daily and start living a better life. Go round to your parents’ house right now and tell them you love them. Have a great half an hour of QT, before the novelty wears off and you all start fighting about what a pack of cunts the rest of you are. Tell your parents that they are the reason you fail at everything, and similarly, watch while they blame you for stealing their freedom. Then, once your siblings arrive, you can all have a massive scrap on the floor as you all point the finger at the favourite child. Make sure to bring up events from the past, such as the time your sister got more Christmas presents than you, to keep fuelling that fire of familial resentment. Then spend the rest of the day competing for the love of the family pet by continuously calling it to see which of you it goes to. Seethe. Fuck.

Appreciate Your Life

No matter how many regrets you have in life- the point is, you’re still here today. Regrets did not destroy you and therefore, you should let them go, forgive yourself, live in the moment and enjoy life. This can be achieved by spending your entire day on Facebook, posting pictures of scenery or small, cartoonish children with verses about how life’s troubles only made you stronger emblazoned across them. Keep putting up updates like ‘So happy <3’ and ‘Sometimes you realise what really matters in life, who never did and who always will’. Don’t forget to get the rest of the day in by playing Farmville and Hidden Chronicles. This is living. And as your Facebook friend, I’m delighted that you’ve sent me a request to play Lost Bubble with you- which I assume will consist of me and you playing a long, drawn out version of keyboard Tetris with the added challenge of resisting the urge to blow our own brains out. I certainly won’t be avoiding you in the street from now on, you charmless cunt.

So there you have it- four tips to help you deal with your regrets and live a fuller life. And on that note, I’m off to respond to my 1,567,324 Farmville updates.

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How To Qualify For The Olympics

The 2012 London Olympics are in full swing, and the world is watching. Their motto is ‘Inspire a Generation’, which, each time anyone says it, just sounds hilariously corny. My suggestions would have been ‘2012 London Olympics- Sporty as Fuck’, ‘2012 London Olympics- Making You Glad You Weren’t Born in China’ or ‘2012 London Olympics- Fitness R Us.’

Anyway, given their motto, it is hoped that a new generation of youngsters and budding athletes will be enthused by the games and start training hard for the 2016 Olympics. But how does one make it to the Olympics? As usual, I’m here to give you the lowdown on how to rise to the top.

Step One: Eye of the Tiger

All the adrenaline you’re ever going to need is contained in the song, Eye of the Tiger, sunshine. Seriously, it’s like instrumental smack mixed with lyrical steroids. Get it downloaded to your iPod, or better yet, huge mobile stereo system so that everyone can hear it, then take to the streets with it blasting on repeat. Don’t bother with all of that exhausting training, because when Eye of the Tiger is on, everyone knows all you have to do is keep meaningfully glancing into the distance while you walk about like the Terminator in a grey sweatsuit and matching headband, and you just start winning. Boom. Etc.

Step Two: Relax

An affiliate of the USA Track & Field team for the 2012 Olympics, Katie Branham, has spoke out about the difficulties faced by Olympic athletes, saying, ‘There are no perks for past success’. What to take from this? It doesn’t matter if you haven’t been training this whole time because those that are competing this year won’t be given preference in 2016. Therefore, it is perfectly acceptable to sit your good self down with a bottle of tequila and a drip filled with lard, and vegetate until about 2015. Then tell yourself you’ll definately get off that chair and out for a power walk. Tomorrow. No, Monday. Next Monday. *Finds half a Dorito that got lost in spare tyre and eats it when no-one is looking, then cries about it later.

Step Three: Owner of a Lonely Heart

As any athlete will tell you, achievement requires focus. Therefore, best steer clear of time-consuming, complicated romances that are likely to steal centre-stage from all of your sweatsuit wearing and meaningful glancing to Eye of the Tiger. However, those long, lonely nights in training are difficult without company, so why not befriend your local courthouse’s ‘Show Me Where Your Molester Touched You’ doll and take that out on dates from time to time to alleviate boredom without the risk that some biatch is going to argue back and be all up in your face about neglecting them. The best bit is, the doll is probably so mentally scarred from being the embodiment of abuse and violation for so many years, it will just be grateful that you’ve given it the time of day.

Step Four: Everybody Wants to Rule the World

The best part about being an Olympic athlete is that you get to accept loads of bribes and then pretend that you didn’t. Even though you’re on TV lying that your training consisted of eating a bowl of Wheaties (I’m talking to you here, Bruce Jenner, you big elastic-faced arsebag), everyone still pretends that you didn’t take that bribe. Many athletes choose to accept free cars, homes and money in order to endorse products or even be affiliated with a company. Whenever you call into your local Sainsburys for more tequila, cake and a copy of Eye of the Tiger, call to Customer Services to tell them you’re going to be competing in the 2016 Olympics and see if they’ll give you a free pen. Or, perhaps, if you’re really lucky, they’ll give you 50% off a ‘Bag For Life’. Sweet.

Step Five: Let’s Get Physical

When it comes to the Olympics, outer appearance is very important. If you intend to compete in any event other than ladies football, where the general consensus seems to be ‘The Butcher, The Better’, then you’ll need to be more punishing with your diet and training than the ‘Show Me Where Your Molester Touched You’ doll is when it showers with steel wool every hour, on the hour. Also, it may be a good idea to invest in some ‘tit-tape’ to secure ahem, lose body parts. You can also use any leftover tape to secure your fat rolls together to make it look like you’ve got a severe case of wind, rather than looking like you’re out of shape because you told yourself you’d start training in 2015, but, when push came to shove, you only started training last week, doing sit-ups on a Craftmatic Adjustable Bed that really did all the hard work for you.

Also, while we are on the subject of physicals, remember that Olympic officials require random drug testing on all athletes to ensure that steroids etc. are not consumed. Beat the system by chatting up a dwarf, taking them out and buying them a few drinks. When they excuse themselves to go to the bathroom, follow them, knock them out and eat them in one piece. Hey presto- all the urine and blood samples you’ll ever need to qualify for the games is sitting in your stomach.

When no longer needed, go to your local hospital and ‘give birth’ to your dwarf by cesarean section. Sorted. If the dwarf is angry with you, resolve the situation by point out that they technically now have two birthdays, and certainly do not let them know that you have registered them as your child and have started the process of claiming child benefit in their name.

Go team! Etc.

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