Where Are They Now… The Cast of Saved By The Bell

Back in the early ’90s, they were the coolest kids on the planet and started many a trend, including turning a chair backwards to sit on it and… erm, those red basket for chips that Americans seem to like. But what are the cast of Saved By The Bell up to nowadays? Did they get to the corner just in time to see the bus fly by, or was it alright because it was saved by the bell? Etc. Here’s the current scoop on the cast:

Mark-Paul Gosselaar (Zack Morris)

After finding fame as Zack Morris, a preppy jokester with the ability to call ‘time out’ and effectively stop time, Gosselaar failed to achieved the same level of success in roles post-SBTB. But that’s alright, because now Gosselaar uses his time-stopping ability to spend his days spontaneously stopping time and wrecking havoc. ‘I’ll call ‘Time Out’ and go into nightclubs, grope a few women, spike a few drinks- the usual. But it’s not all bad- sometimes I just call ‘Time Out’ and go out in public where I can shout ‘I was the Zack Morris’ without public scorn‘, he recently confessed. To police. In connection to a rape allegation.

Tiffani Thiessen (Kelly Kapowski)

Thisessen portrayed All-American girl, Kelly Kapowski, in the hit show- an iconic character that was the first love of many teens of the early ’90s. And Thiessen knows all too well that there is huge public demand for her to reprise her role. ‘I’m certain that, someday soon, I’m going to get the call telling me that Kelly’s getting her own spin-off show, so until that day, I wake up and ‘be’ Kelly all day long,’ she laughs. ‘It’s a tough task- I listen to George Michael and pretend that he’s still heterosexual, which is a full-time job on it’s own. I spend hours on the phone pretending to gossip with Lisa Turtle. And I’ve even had to get hairplugs from coiffing my fringe into an ’80’s do for the past 30 years. But it will all be worth it when I get my own show. Sorry, did I just foam at the mouth?‘ Keep living the dream, Tiff!

Dustin Diamond (Samuel ‘Screech’ Powers)

Screech was the sort of lovable High School weirdo who, if his character was a real person, would have probably cracked under the pressure and shot up the school cafeteria one day after listening to a Marilyn Manson song. Luckily, he’s just a character. But Dustin Diamond, who played Screech, is also the type of person to go on a shooting rampage- if he had the balls to do it, which he doesn’t. However, Diamond has had the balls to pen a ‘tell-all’ book about the seedy behind-the-scenes scandals of SBTB, which not only contains heavy use of the word ‘douchenozzle’, but also claims that Diamond has slept with over 2,000 women, most of whom he picked up at Disneyland, and that he had an affair with his SBTB TV exec boss- who died in 2003 and therefore, isn’t able to furiously deny his claims. And the most hilarious bit about this is that I didn’t have to make any of it up.

Mario Lopez (A.C. Slater)

A.C. Slater was the ultimate high school jock who inexplicably spent his days hanging around with Screech, when in reality, their positions at opposite ends of the social spectrum meant that they would only have interacted in the gym showers when conducting a secret affair. In real life, Mario- real name Cecil Tweedstamps– has spent his days post-SBTB trying to re-invent himself as a TV presenter, fronting quality shows such as an hour-long, weekly show in which members of the public bring their pets on to the stage and command them to do tricks while the pet stares blankly ahead, clearly upset by the cameras. ‘I love presenting Petstar!Mario exclaims. ‘It’s a cross between watching paint dry, and someone pissing on your chips.’

Lark Voorhies (Lisa Turtle)

Shy Lark played Lisa Turtle– fashionista and future person who looks back at photos of her clothing and says, ‘What the fuck was I thinking?‘ As the saying goes, Lark wears many hats in the entertainment biz, and while this usually refers to someone who works in many different areas of the business, Lark just wears lots of hats. ‘Sometimes I wear bowler hats, other times I might wear a beanie hat. When I’m feeling fancy, I’ll wear a fascinator and pretend I’m going to a wedding. But at the minute, I’m wearing a lot of baseball hats as I’m feeling a bit out of sorts. I don’t know what happened- one minute, I’m going about my business, the next, I find myself in a stranger’s bed and Mark-Paul Gosselaar is being questioned by the police,‘ she cries.

Elizabeth Berkley (Jessie Spano)

While Jessie Spano was always on a crusade for equal rights, her character loved a bit of male attention and she was known for her tight jeans as much as her half-arsed feminist pontification. While Elizabeth’s acting roles since SBTB, a wealth of stripper characters, would leave Jessie Spano outwardly horrified but secretly pleased about the male attention, she uses her free time to paint and create art. In fact, her painting was the muse behind the song  ‘Jessie Paints a Picture’. ‘I’ll paint anything- family portraits, nature, whatever you want. The paintings are $30, and two for 50- but for you, I’ll do them for $45. I’ll only do nudes if you wear a pair of paper-pants, and I’ll just use my imagination to fill in the blanks,’ she said in a recent interview. ‘Just pop your clothes over on the chair’.

Time out.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: