How To Write a CV

Queue ‘The Apprentice’ theme music- heavy on the trumpets. The job market is tougher than ever before, and to succeed, you need to stand out. But how does one stand out on an A4 page? What information helps you get the application stage nailed, and what details can get you jailed? And how can you get that acceptance letter mailed, or avoid HR calling to your house to have you impaled? Fucking etc.

The following helps to explain what you can write in your CV to help you to stand out, and get a call back.

Section One- Personal Information

Start off your CV with your name as a bold heading. Don’t forget to include your childhood nickname, which you can place in the middle of your name (e.g. John ‘Fartypants’ Smith, Greg ‘Pickynose’ Jones).

Underneath your contact information, you can include a personal profile, which details a general overview of your life, mild professional information and your current situation related to why you are suited to the industry you are applying for. For example, if you are applying for a job as a vet, you could say,

‘My name is Doug, which is like the word ‘Dog’ but with a ‘U’, which to you, is me- so I’m kind of already like a dog, then. I had a cat as a pet but it got old and went to live on a farm, and I never really got over it. Now I want to help other animals not go to live on farms. What I lack in qualifications, I make up for in knife skills and speaking horse. Also, I only eat animals that I find at the side of the road. I feel that vegetablism is well important when being a doctor of animals. The end’.

Section Two- Education

Write your educational information and qualifications in reverse chronological order. Ensure that you do not lie about your grades or qualifications with any colleges or schools you have attended in the past, as your employer will check. Instead, invent fictional schools or colleges (e.g. St. Doug’s School of Dead Hard Things, or Sir Douglas College of Teaching the Prescribed Curriculum and a Bit More on Top of That) and then award yourself maximum grades in any subjects you want. The best bit is, if any prospective employers ring you to verify, you can also tell them that you were the best student the school has ever had- which is technically true, seeing as you only just went and founded the fucker. Just remember to do your best ‘Einstein’ voice to fool those pesky HR reps.

Section Three- Employment

Just like the Education section, list your employment in reverse chronological order. If you haven’t been consistently in employment, use your wordsmithy-ness to turn even the most half-arsed of money-receiving tasks into a successful employment experiences, e.g.

August 2010- Present: Gambling Freelancer

Tasks: Knowing when to hold ’em, and knowing when to fold ’em

             Slot machine usage analysis

             Current affairs expert of the sport betting sector

August 2008- July 2010: Professional Property Assistant Manager

Tasks: Putting on lights to warn off burglars Management

              Food rotation and food waste reduction

              Ensuring the smooth operation of the TV in the front room

July 2001- July 2008: Benefits Recipient Executive

Tasks: Periodic Inspection of Jobcentre

             Contributor to manipulated numbers than comprise sensationalised Daily Mail benefit recipient slander

             Scapegoat provider to tax evasion for the rich

However, if you have a parent who is self-employed, say that you work as their assistant. Nothing more believable than that. Boom.

Section Four: Skills and Relevant Information

Despite the gross over-use of the word ‘skills’, no-one really has a fucking clue what a skill is. Let’s face it, things like ‘organisational skills’ and ‘time management skills’ are only real things if you’re a robot. Therefore, this is the section in which you can make up anything you want, with the word ‘skills’ suffixed to it, with absolutely no repercussions and no need to prove that you’re not just lying through your dishonest little arse. My suggestions for skills that are attractive to prospective employers? See below.

Ninja skills

Tea making, and keeping on top the replenishment of tea-making components, skills

Getting a bit of banter going skills

Up the arse of the boss skills

Not getting caught sitting on Facebook all day skills

Making up office nickname skills

Rolling your eyes at Wilma from Accounting who always gets flowers from her boyfriend skills

Seeing Wilma from Accounting’s boyfriend kissing another woman in a nightclub and telling everyone in the office except Wilma so we can all bitch about her behind her back skills

Bringing in interesting pictures to put on your desk skills

Ability to passive-aggressively bring in cake every day because I wanted cake but I feel guilty eating it on my own but if everyone else gets fat then I don’t have to feel as bad skills

Organising Friday’s pint after work skills.

Section Five- Interests and Activities

Remember when you were a kid and you had all sorts of hopes and dreams for yourself? And remember when you were sitting right now identifying with loads of this because everyone eventually turns out to be a big failure? Yeah, well, best to lie and pretend you have interests and activities that you actively do rather than watch TV, drink and occasionally cry to yourself about how depressing your life is. Make it as outlandish as you want because it makes you sound interesting and even if your prospective employer knows that you’re lying, it’s better to be a pathological liar than a lazy fucker with a Jesus-complex. Might I suggest:

I am an over-achieving, marathon-running, elephant owner with a nut allergy so severe, I could die at any second. Living on borrowed time has taught me the value of every second, which is why I wear a kitchen clock as a necklace, just like Flava Flav, which is funny- because he’s my cousin. But not my blood cousin, as I was stolen at birth and am currently being held hostage by my adopted family, of five cheetahs, an umbrella and a bag of Doritos (Nacho Cheese flavour). In my spare time, I like to build time machines, cure cancer and Keep Up with the Kardashians, which is easy- because I’m Kourtney. And Kim. Finally, while I’ve never failed at anything, I’m dead humble and singing my own praises about being Michael Jackson, owning Poland and coming second in a Monopoly beauty contest really embarrasses me.

Oh, remember to attach a picture of yourself, too, so that everyone can have a good LOL at your expense.

Hello- new job!

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