Monthly Archives: September 2012

Exercise Move of the Month: Dancing to 99 Red Balloons

It’s that time again, exercise lovers! That’s right, time to drop those pounds and get physical with my Exercise Move of the Month. This month’s move is brought to you by people who use music to define their personalities, particularly wanker-quirks who listen to 80s music and are all like ‘Woooooo, I’m a bit of a mad one because the 1980s are known for producing a particularly bad music genre, and yet I love it, because I like to be ironic!’ and shit like that. I’m terrified that I’m one of those people, but I like to think that if I know I am one of them, then I’m not actually one of them.

I think that as long as I don’t wear a pair of thick-rimmed glasses in a zany colour in any serious capacity, then I’m alright.

Anyways, 99 Red Balloons is an iconic 80’s song, notorious for being a bit shit and hilarious- two of the main qualities that any truly ’80s song must comprise. And dancing to it- well, that just takes you to a new realm of embarrassment. And what does embarrassment equal? Sweating. Which leads to weight loss.

Well, last week I read that sweating has nothing to do with weight loss, so perhaps not. But fuck up. We’re doing it anyway.

Step One

Find yourself at a disco that either doesn’t know it’s shit, or is trying to be kitsch and 80’s to accomodate demand from hipster-types, which is just shit but doesn’t know it. While at this disco, hear the words spoken (at a pace slightly too fast for the music),

‘You and I at a little toy shop

Buy a bag of balloons with the money we’ve got…’

Realise that 99 Red Balloons is coming on and immediately feel the burn in your hands as you turn around, giving the group of hapless cunts you’re out with an enthusiastic thumbs up. You may even want to work out your jaw by opening your mouth with an excited expression that says ‘What a pack of mad twats we are, out at a disco that plays novelty songs. LOLz’. You prick.

Step Two

It gets to the bit of the song where Nena stops talking and the highly synthesized beat kicks in, being as shit as it can absolutely be. Work out those neck muscles by doing the obligatory dance move where you thrust your skull as far from your neck as possible to the beat of the song, much like a chicken having a stroke.

Step Three

When the lyrics and music are in full throttle, the cardiovascular activity beings. Fling yourself around the dancefloor wildly, or, if you’re the type of person who likes to communicate the fact that they don’t fit in through the medium of alternative band t-shirts advertising tours that occured before your birth, you could even mosh a bit, just because you’re a bit of a general dickhead. If you’re a pretty female, you could use this time to bump into other pretty females on the dancefloor passive aggressively. If none of these options occur to you, then just spend your time accidentally knocking my entire pint over me. I don’t mind at all.

Step Four

Wind down from all of that cardio when Nena goes on some spoken ramble that kills the mood completely near the end of the song. Bring your heart rate back down to resting level by standing about awkwardly, swaying from side to side and not looking anyone in the eye. You don’t know the lyrics to this part because they’re too nonsensical for your brain to allow you to remember, but if other people see that you don’t know all of the lyrics, you’ll lose credibility as someone who forces their catalogue of musical knowledge upon others as some sort of pedestal. Best use this time to take a swig of your drink, while giving your cunt friends a thumbs up to imply that you knew the lyrics all along.

Step Five

The song is on it’s last legs. Thank god for that. While Nena finishes with the line, ‘I think of you and let it go…‘, work out your arm muscles by jerking that drink from your mouth and miming along in an obvious manner, ensuring that you keep up the pretence of ‘musical genius’ that you’ve self-styled yourself as. End strong as you give lots more thumbs up to your mates. This not only keeps your reflexes sharp but also serves as a self-gratifying reminder that you’re all kooky as fuck.

And, rest!

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How To Think Positively

Last week, I wrote about the art of attracting a man, which mostly detailed the projection of yourself to others. This week, I want to focus on the inner ‘you’ and how your thought process can make you or break you, because no-one can love you until you love yourself. Except Jesus.

Anyway, do you truly love your life or does that motherfucker staring back at you when you look in the mirror make you want to get your hammer out? If, like me, you’re in the latter category, then you need to change. And I don’t just mean throwing out your mirror after you’ve used the shards to slit your wrists. Here’s how you can be a positive thinker:

Use Daily Affirmations

Using daily affirmations to achieve positive thinking has been long known to help improve confidence. It’s easy- just compile a list of statements that you would like to apply to your life and repeat them daily until you start to believe them. You behaviour will change as you see your self-esteem improve. Might I suggest:

The nickname ‘Chubbo’ is meant affectionately and I do not have a weight problem.

My cat loves me as much as I love him.

That time I was drink driving at night in 1998 and hit something but just drove on because I couldnt bear to look back was a racoon and definately not that old woman who was reported missing the next day and was all over the news for the next six months. Her husband probably murdered her himself and then reported her missing to evade prison. I did not kill her.

They weren’t laughing at me.

I’ll dance on her grave. Or haunt her if I die first.

Lemon drizzle cake has the same amount of calories as carrots. They’re just different portion sizes.

Shania Twain is a modern-day poet.

It is ok to book your wedding venue prior to meeting your future husband because these motherfuckers book up quickly.

It’s just a mole. Probably nothing.

Everyone else is crazy. I’m sane. If anyone tries to argue, I’ll just shoot them all. Everyone.

As long as Kerry Katona doesn’t kill herself after an overdose, I’m not the world’s worst parent.

Avoid Negative Influences

Negativity tends to spread quicker than the herp in student housing, so best avoid anyone you know who is negative and downbeat as this may have a knock-on effect. But what if you have no choice but to see these people on a daily basis? Simple- just politely saying ‘Before you start being a drabby tosser and begin harping on about how your parent’s both died in that house fire last month, save it because this is a ‘no-wanker zone’ (gesture to the space between the two of you). Step into that area and I’ll set your fucking house on fire, too.‘ Or, if you aren’t assertive, you could always just stick your fingers in your ears and sing loudly anytime they talk. They’ll soon get the hint.

Surround Yourself With Positive Things

‘If I surround myself with positive things, I’ll gain prosperity’ sang Destiny’s Child in the song, ‘Survivor‘- and they were lucky enough, that, when shipwrecked on a desert island in the music video, their clothing ripped off to create body shape-flattering rag-bikinis slash army attire- thank you, positive things. Filling your life with things that make you feel happy, calm and strong can only reap rewards. Therefore, we all need to club together and find a way to get Kanye West the fuck off this planet.

Smile

Smiling burns more calories than frowning, said some wankbag who probably had no friends in school. What makes you smile? Christine Bleakley’s armpit fat? Fighting with people on Facebook? Seeing others fail? Critiquing the lives of others while sitting in a mismatched tracksuit reading the Daily Star? Well then, keep at it. You certainly aren’t a serial killer.

Don’t Stop

There is only one way to stay positive, and that’s to keep being positive and never give up, using any negative occurances to make you stronger. For example, if someone punches you in the face, end that bitch. When someone else gets the promotion you wanted, burn that motherfucker to the ground so that no-one gets promoted again, ever. And if your spouse tells you they don’t want to be an accessory to your psychotic killing sprees again, tell them that they’re next.

As the saying goes, when life gives you lemons, make cyanide and poison everyone.

Yes.

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Diet Of The Month- The Cabbage Soup Diet

The Cabbage Soup Diet* is the epitome of fad dieting- not only can you lose up to 10lbs per week chucking the gruesome concoction down you gullet, it is also known to have some unsavoury side-effects that will make you want to curl up into a little ball and pray for death.

Critics have claimed that prolonged usage of this diet as a weightloss tool is dangerous and unsustainable. It may also lead to future health risks, and can be fatal. But let’s be honest, ladies- we’ve all had diets that came with a certain level of risk. The risk of death is hardly going to stop us.

But how can I start to relay my week on this diet without first giving you the recipe, including a few tweaks that I’ve made to make this diet ultra effective? Here you are:

Recipe

Half a head of cabbage, knifed to death

One fluid fuckload of water

A bottle of Diet Coke (every female dieter’s good luck charm)

One dress that doesn’t quite zip up at the back that makes you feel like a big fat failure every time you try the bastard on

Seasoning of your choice (I choose to rip up cigarettes and thrown them straight in)

A bucket of failed dreams

A pinch of knowing deep down this isn’t going to work, but you’re so unhappy with your life that you’re going to keep going with it and other, similar wastes of time to distract yourself from death. Possibly from something colon-related due to fucking idiotic diets like The Cabbage Soup Diet.

The other half of that head of cabbage, because you’re probably not going to use it in anything else. It’s probably going to go off soon so you may as well chuck it in.

Day 1

Having used the start of my diet today as an excuse to eat four cakes last night, I felt full when I got up this morning and decided to have the obligatory ‘going full throttle on this diet to the point that you ignore the unsustainableness of voluntary starvation’ day of only surviving on the bits of toothpaste that I accidentally swallowed while brushing my teeth. After a day of getting through by relying on the adrenaline of believing that this day is the first day of the rest of my life, and other bullshit diet mantras, I went to bed without eating anything. Hooray.

Day 2

I woke up to the sound of my uterus weeping with future sadness that diets like this make me infertile, I just don’t know it yet. Poking round the pot of soup that I enthusiastically made two days earlier, I ladled myself a bowl with bits that weren’t touching the skin that was floating on top, grungily. Afterwards, I had that moment when my body realises that food exists and can’t live without it anymore- I was about to collapse with starvation. So I did what any respecting dieter would do during a moment such as this; I went to the gym and ran ’til I puked. All that came out was a white flag. Winning.

Day 3

After two full days on the Cabbage Soup Diet, I feel like a zombie that was put into a blender, sliced into little tiny pieces, after which my bodily debris are remoulded into the words ‘Without health, life is not life; it is only a state of langour and suffering- an image of death. -Buddha’. But that just means its working. Had the rest of the pot of soup today- as the Cabbage Soup Diet permits eating as much of it as you like- and then made another pot, this time seasoning the entire bastard with my tears.

Day 4

Died for a while today but unfortunately, the ambulance got to me on time and they restarted my heart so I’m back to porridge- which is ironic because I’m actually not allowed any. Bastard medical professionals. I would sue them if I could speak. Or function normally.

Day 5

I enjoyed a full pot of soup today while sitting alone in the dark, seeing my life belongs to cabbage now and cabbage wanted the lights off. After watching an episode of Loose Women in which Renee Zellweger raved about the Cabbage Soup Diet, crediting it to her weight loss for her role as Bridget Jones, I promptly travelled to the studios and punched her in the face thrice- once for Bridget Jones, once for the popularisation of big knickers, and once for anything else I’d forgotten. Then I shook her hand for spreading the word about the Cabbage Soup Diet– it’s great. I’ve never been happier.

Day 6

I was delighted to discover I lost 4 stones so far this week on the Cabbage Soup Diet– all of that punishment was well worth the effort. I’d go shopping and buy myself a whole new wardrobe to celebrate, but I’m now confined to a wheelchair. I’m just another woman trying to have it all- us women, what are we like? If we aren’t constantly on the hunt for a man to slap us on the arse and tell us we’re pretty, we’re reading Fifty Shades of Grey and giggling about how empowered we are to be female and reading porn.

Day 7

Died again. On the upside, my dress that was too tight now fits me, and the undertaker is currently dressing my dead corpse in it for my funeral. Just to make a point about how much weight I’ve lost, I’m getting small children to carry my coffin, and then erect my rigour mortis-ridden body on to a set of scales so that everyone can see how much I weighed before I’m laid to rest. I’m going to be the Belle of the Ball. Result!

*Don’t do it.

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How To Attract Men

Samantha Brick recently gained notoriety when her story, a tale of how her beauty brings out the ugliness in female rivalry, hit the news headlines earlier this year. So I figured that if she could pass herself off as gorgeous with absolutely no previous experience of being so, then I could certainly write a piece entitled ‘How To Attract Men’. We’re doing this now.

First of all, let me prefix my tips by saying: Warning- these really work. The life of an unpaid slave after marriage is most certainly guaranteed here.

The ability to attract a man is a valuable commodity, because us women balance our self-worth on being in a relationship. It’s either that or cats. With that in mind, here’s what you need to know:

Appearance

Men respond to visual imagery and, as such, looking and dressing the part is key when trying to attract men. If you aren’t the sort of girl who wears a lot of make-up, that’s fine- change your personality and go out and buy a gallon of concealer in the darkest shade available at your local Semi-Chem (Ronseal Wood Varnish is an ideal substitute).

Take a trowel and douse yourself in slap- it’s what the dead tester animals would have wanted- and don’t stop until you look so comedically made-up that people aren’t sure if your look is racially offensive. Then, twang yourself into a dress so slaggy, the cast of Channel 4’s My Big Fat Gypsy Weddings rejected it on the grounds of being ‘too tarty for the scene in every episode where we just show gratutitous footage of underaged girls dancing cringily at a depressing disco’.

Don’t forget to take plenty of photos of yourself for Facebook before leaving the house- not only does this sort of shit provide the rest of us with a good laugh, it also helps the media to tell the public what to think of you during the police-search for your missing corpse.

Brains

Unbelievably, a study recently suggested that ‘brains’ have overtaken ‘beauty’ as the male population’s most desirable characteristic in women. This revelation certainly brightened up the housework that I was obliged to do this morning on account of being born inferior to men. With that in mind- why not impress any potential romantic interests by showing him just how smart you are? The topic of expertise is up to you- you could talk about ironing, cleaning or even sewing. Just be careful to ensure that your mindless chatter isn’t disrupting the football, or he might bray you with the back of his hand.

Oh well- that slap will leave you with a lovely rosy glow, and you probably needed to be put in your place anyway.

Femininity

Even though this guide is written with the modern gal in mind, men are usually traditionalists and like to feel masculine- therefore, you need to use your femininity to let him know you’re interested. As the sort of woman who most people would describe as ‘butch’ or ‘burly as fuck’, I have little knowledge on the art of femininity but through nightclub observation, beating through a box of wine like it’s holy water, giving other women dirty looks and cackling like a motherfucker at the unfunny jokes of men who have overactive sweat glands would be spot on.

Don’t forget to dance around the room to Rihanna when you’re too drunk to stand properly. And cry. Cry like a bitch outside the bar about life, lunging at your friend who tries to hug you and beating her to a pulp.

Then you LOL so much at the thought of it later that you choke on your kebab and piss yourself with panic.

Independence

While employing some femininity (as set out in the previous paragraph) is advisable when trying to attract a man, being an independant women is much more important. Long gone are the days when a man expects to take care of a woman financially while she singlehandedly takes care of their home and children- nowadays, men want women who are financially independant while remaining to singlehandedly take care of their home and children. But that doesn’t sound like much fun.

Why not fund your lifestyle by taking out a load of credit cards in the name of the man you are trying to attract, and then, by the time you’ve married him, you can casually ‘discover’ the mountain of credit card debt and accuse him of having a secret gambling addiction? Chances are, he’ll be too busy having an affair with your best friend to investigate.

Boom- free money.

Desperation-Avoidance

Finally, nothing is more unattractive than desperation, and you can avoid appearing desperate by filling your life with things that make you happy, so that, when that perfect man comes into your life, he will probably be attracted. And the good news is that us modern day gals can do whatever the fuck we want- take pictures of your cat and put them on Facebook with funny captions beside them, dress your cat up in wedding attire and make them get married to your friend’s cat so that you and your friend have an excuse to eat a whole cake between the two of you, get your cat’s eggs frozen so that when your cat dies, you can get a surrogate cat to carry your cat’s children and get a free trip to London to be on Jeremy Kyle, or even have a cat’s tea party as the setting for your nervous breakdown.

And if you don’t like cats- too fucking bad.

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Ten Things You Never Knew About… Beyonce

Beyonce Knowles took the world by storm as part of ho-quartet, Destiny’s Child, back in 1998 and has never looked back since. As famous for her curves as she is her singing talent, Beyonce is a music icon, and arguably the most famous woman of her generation. But what do we not know about the singing sensation that has dominated the music industry for the past decade? Here’s the lowdown, with ten things you never knew about Beyonce.

1. Beyonce Knowles was born in Stoke-on-Trent to parents, Destiny-Marie ‘Bike’ Brown and Wayne-Paul ‘Smackhead’ White. But the star didn’t stay in Stoke for long, as she was given up for adoption to a couple in Texas- in return, her birth parents got an undisclosed sum, the exact details of which are unknown but rumoured to be ‘some smack money and 100% of the proceeds for selling their story to Take A Break magazine when Beyonce hits the big time’.

2. Beyonce’s adoptive parents, Tina and Matthew Knowles raised their prized cash-cow in Texas, and honed the young star for fame as soon as she was out of nappies. ‘Beyonce was that girl in school who juggled a violin, art case and her P.E. kit as her parents were aspirational middle class-types,’ says a classmate. ‘We used to call her Poncey Beyonce, and then she’d cry in the toilets’. Good times.

3. Despite her strict unbringing, Beyonce is known to reminisce fondly about her childhood, saying that she and her father would enjoy some father-daughter bonding by standing on street-corners in downtown Dallas, Beyonce singing Motown hits and her father threatening that ‘Santa won’t come if you don’t hit the high notes’.

4. Beyonce’s mother is a highly-driven dressmaker, recently finding fame as Thelma Madine from Channel 4’s My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.

5. Those big garish creations favoured by young brides of the travelling community aren’t the only people who enjoy Beyonce’s mothers talents, as Beyonce herself is usually wearing a Tina Knowles special. The two have even recently paired up to create House of Dereon, a clothing line aimed at people with too much money and not enough shame. ‘I don’t have the heart to tell my mother that her stuff looks a bit tacky,’ explains the star.

6. But Tina Knowles is thick-skinned, after Beyonce named the band that made her a star, Destiny’s Child, giving a nod to her birth mother. ‘Watching Shameless keeps me grounded’, she says.

7. Beyonce co-writes her own songs about real life experiences, most notably ‘Survivor’, about LaTavia Roberson and LaToya Luckett, who were in the original line-up of Destiny’s Child before leaving dramatically. Beyonce explains, ‘Aside from ‘Survivor’, I wrote songs called ‘I Hope You Have Fertility Problems Later On In Life’, ‘You Have B.O. And We Would All Laugh About It Behind Your Back’ and ‘I’ll Beat The Shit Out Of You With Your Motherfucking Weave The Next Time We Meet’ but none were as catchy as ‘Survivor’, so that got released. But those songs are all on the album ‘Slags, Slags, Slags’, so the fans can still enjoy them’.

8. Destiny’s Child’s fourth member, Kelly Rowland, has remained loyal to Beyonce, from the time when she was just a simple chimney sweep that lived in the Knowles’ servant quarters until now, where she lives in the eternal darkness of Beyonce’s shadow.

9. After Destiny’s Child officially disbanded after running out of ghetto-fabulous topics to sing about, Beyonce launched her solo career, taking the charts by storm with hits like ‘Crazy In Love’ and ‘Run the World (Girls)‘. But she lists her duet with embarrassing pain-in-the-arse Alexandra Burke as one of her career highlights. ‘I must have looked like one classy bastard next to that twat’, she muses.

10. Most recently, Beyonce has been hitting the headlines for the birth of her baby daughter, Blue Ivy, saying that she wants to concentrate on motherhood and family life for the forseeable future. ‘I want Blue Ivy to get to know her real grandparents, too’, says the star. ‘Destiny-Marie and Wayne-Paul have dotted on her since her birth, buying her a mini-Burberry hat, a pair of baby Nike Air max and a five-finger ring with the word’s ‘Main Baby Bastid’ diamante-encrusted across the top. Fabulous!’

Keep living the dream, Beyonce! Just watch your purse.

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