Samantha Brick recently gained notoriety when her story, a tale of how her beauty brings out the ugliness in female rivalry, hit the news headlines earlier this year. So I figured that if she could pass herself off as gorgeous with absolutely no previous experience of being so, then I could certainly write a piece entitled ‘How To Attract Men’. We’re doing this now.
First of all, let me prefix my tips by saying: Warning- these really work. The life of an unpaid slave after marriage is most certainly guaranteed here.
The ability to attract a man is a valuable commodity, because us women balance our self-worth on being in a relationship. It’s either that or cats. With that in mind, here’s what you need to know:
Men respond to visual imagery and, as such, looking and dressing the part is key when trying to attract men. If you aren’t the sort of girl who wears a lot of make-up, that’s fine- change your personality and go out and buy a gallon of concealer in the darkest shade available at your local Semi-Chem (Ronseal Wood Varnish is an ideal substitute).
Take a trowel and douse yourself in slap- it’s what the dead tester animals would have wanted- and don’t stop until you look so comedically made-up that people aren’t sure if your look is racially offensive. Then, twang yourself into a dress so slaggy, the cast of Channel 4’s My Big Fat Gypsy Weddings rejected it on the grounds of being ‘too tarty for the scene in every episode where we just show gratutitous footage of underaged girls dancing cringily at a depressing disco’.
Don’t forget to take plenty of photos of yourself for Facebook before leaving the house- not only does this sort of shit provide the rest of us with a good laugh, it also helps the media to tell the public what to think of you during the police-search for your missing corpse.
Unbelievably, a study recently suggested that ‘brains’ have overtaken ‘beauty’ as the male population’s most desirable characteristic in women. This revelation certainly brightened up the housework that I was obliged to do this morning on account of being born inferior to men. With that in mind- why not impress any potential romantic interests by showing him just how smart you are? The topic of expertise is up to you- you could talk about ironing, cleaning or even sewing. Just be careful to ensure that your mindless chatter isn’t disrupting the football, or he might bray you with the back of his hand.
Oh well- that slap will leave you with a lovely rosy glow, and you probably needed to be put in your place anyway.
Even though this guide is written with the modern gal in mind, men are usually traditionalists and like to feel masculine- therefore, you need to use your femininity to let him know you’re interested. As the sort of woman who most people would describe as ‘butch’ or ‘burly as fuck’, I have little knowledge on the art of femininity but through nightclub observation, beating through a box of wine like it’s holy water, giving other women dirty looks and cackling like a motherfucker at the unfunny jokes of men who have overactive sweat glands would be spot on.
Don’t forget to dance around the room to Rihanna when you’re too drunk to stand properly. And cry. Cry like a bitch outside the bar about life, lunging at your friend who tries to hug you and beating her to a pulp.
Then you LOL so much at the thought of it later that you choke on your kebab and piss yourself with panic.
While employing some femininity (as set out in the previous paragraph) is advisable when trying to attract a man, being an independant women is much more important. Long gone are the days when a man expects to take care of a woman financially while she singlehandedly takes care of their home and children- nowadays, men want women who are financially independant while remaining to singlehandedly take care of their home and children. But that doesn’t sound like much fun.
Why not fund your lifestyle by taking out a load of credit cards in the name of the man you are trying to attract, and then, by the time you’ve married him, you can casually ‘discover’ the mountain of credit card debt and accuse him of having a secret gambling addiction? Chances are, he’ll be too busy having an affair with your best friend to investigate.
Boom- free money.
Finally, nothing is more unattractive than desperation, and you can avoid appearing desperate by filling your life with things that make you happy, so that, when that perfect man comes into your life, he will probably be attracted. And the good news is that us modern day gals can do whatever the fuck we want- take pictures of your cat and put them on Facebook with funny captions beside them, dress your cat up in wedding attire and make them get married to your friend’s cat so that you and your friend have an excuse to eat a whole cake between the two of you, get your cat’s eggs frozen so that when your cat dies, you can get a surrogate cat to carry your cat’s children and get a free trip to London to be on Jeremy Kyle, or even have a cat’s tea party as the setting for your nervous breakdown.
And if you don’t like cats- too fucking bad.