How To Think Positively

Last week, I wrote about the art of attracting a man, which mostly detailed the projection of yourself to others. This week, I want to focus on the inner ‘you’ and how your thought process can make you or break you, because no-one can love you until you love yourself. Except Jesus.

Anyway, do you truly love your life or does that motherfucker staring back at you when you look in the mirror make you want to get your hammer out? If, like me, you’re in the latter category, then you need to change. And I don’t just mean throwing out your mirror after you’ve used the shards to slit your wrists. Here’s how you can be a positive thinker:

Use Daily Affirmations

Using daily affirmations to achieve positive thinking has been long known to help improve confidence. It’s easy- just compile a list of statements that you would like to apply to your life and repeat them daily until you start to believe them. You behaviour will change as you see your self-esteem improve. Might I suggest:

The nickname ‘Chubbo’ is meant affectionately and I do not have a weight problem.

My cat loves me as much as I love him.

That time I was drink driving at night in 1998 and hit something but just drove on because I couldnt bear to look back was a racoon and definately not that old woman who was reported missing the next day and was all over the news for the next six months. Her husband probably murdered her himself and then reported her missing to evade prison. I did not kill her.

They weren’t laughing at me.

I’ll dance on her grave. Or haunt her if I die first.

Lemon drizzle cake has the same amount of calories as carrots. They’re just different portion sizes.

Shania Twain is a modern-day poet.

It is ok to book your wedding venue prior to meeting your future husband because these motherfuckers book up quickly.

It’s just a mole. Probably nothing.

Everyone else is crazy. I’m sane. If anyone tries to argue, I’ll just shoot them all. Everyone.

As long as Kerry Katona doesn’t kill herself after an overdose, I’m not the world’s worst parent.

Avoid Negative Influences

Negativity tends to spread quicker than the herp in student housing, so best avoid anyone you know who is negative and downbeat as this may have a knock-on effect. But what if you have no choice but to see these people on a daily basis? Simple- just politely saying ‘Before you start being a drabby tosser and begin harping on about how your parent’s both died in that house fire last month, save it because this is a ‘no-wanker zone’ (gesture to the space between the two of you). Step into that area and I’ll set your fucking house on fire, too.‘ Or, if you aren’t assertive, you could always just stick your fingers in your ears and sing loudly anytime they talk. They’ll soon get the hint.

Surround Yourself With Positive Things

‘If I surround myself with positive things, I’ll gain prosperity’ sang Destiny’s Child in the song, ‘Survivor‘- and they were lucky enough, that, when shipwrecked on a desert island in the music video, their clothing ripped off to create body shape-flattering rag-bikinis slash army attire- thank you, positive things. Filling your life with things that make you feel happy, calm and strong can only reap rewards. Therefore, we all need to club together and find a way to get Kanye West the fuck off this planet.


Smiling burns more calories than frowning, said some wankbag who probably had no friends in school. What makes you smile? Christine Bleakley’s armpit fat? Fighting with people on Facebook? Seeing others fail? Critiquing the lives of others while sitting in a mismatched tracksuit reading the Daily Star? Well then, keep at it. You certainly aren’t a serial killer.

Don’t Stop

There is only one way to stay positive, and that’s to keep being positive and never give up, using any negative occurances to make you stronger. For example, if someone punches you in the face, end that bitch. When someone else gets the promotion you wanted, burn that motherfucker to the ground so that no-one gets promoted again, ever. And if your spouse tells you they don’t want to be an accessory to your psychotic killing sprees again, tell them that they’re next.

As the saying goes, when life gives you lemons, make cyanide and poison everyone.


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