How To Be A Modern-Day Domestic Goddess

When it comes to being a domestic goddess, I hear people say, ‘Your home is immaculate’, ‘You make the best cakes’ and ‘Where do you get the time to garden so well?’ to Nigella Lawson. If she didn’t look like a fucking good laugh, I’d hate her.

The expectations on women to be domestically-minded have subsided somewhat during the past few decades, considering the fact that women work more, marry less and decide themselves if and when they want to have children. But although these ideas are, in part, diminished, society still assumes that making ‘a house a home’ is women’s work, not least that raising children is still pushed upon women as the assumed ‘most rewarding job they’ll ever have’.

So, with the pressure to succeed professionally muscling in on whispered-expectations of mastered domesticity, what does the modern-day gal do?

Here are my tips for being a modern-day domestic goddess.

Housework

Modern day wimmin don’t have time to do housework alone, and as such, it is your job to allocate tasks to household members so that hygiene is a shared achievement. For example, if you have a husband and children, round them up and say- ‘Kids, keep your fucking toys out of my sight or else I’ll wait at the bottom of our chimney breast and shoot Santa Claus point-blank in the face if he tries to bring more into this house.’ Then turn to your husband with a list of every household chore you can think of, and say, ‘I’ll be doing routine spot checks. Everything not up to standard gets a point. Each point equals an affair.’ Then sit outside smoking until your house is squeaky clean.

Creating Atmosphere

As the head of the household, it is up to you to set a calming and welcoming atmosphere for your home, and I have the solution to achieve this quickly and easily. Being the most unimaginably horrible human being you can be, and I mean being a cunt to end all cunts, means that your family quiver with fear any time you walk into the house. Therefore, maintaining this nasty exterior means that your home is probably a much nicer place when you’re not there- meaning that you can spend most of your time out drinking and shopping, while your family are just glad you’re not at home, mentally abusing them. Done.

Family Time

As you may have guessed, I’m all about family. Whether it’s helping with homework, hearing about your husband’s day at the office, or clearing everyone’s schedules for some much needed family time- I’ve got the answer. Spend bonding time with your children, while also giving them a lesson in the importance of hard work, by teaching them the recipes to your favourite alcoholic cocktails. Invent games from routine chores at home so that you can make your quality time with your kids fun AND productive, such as ‘Let’s search for mummy’s cigarettes’ and ‘Help Mummy finish the TV Quick wordsearch by being as quiet as we possibly can’.

Likewise, employ such strategies with your spouse by making your time together fun and productive, by playing games like, ‘Stop talking to me’, ‘If you sit down beside me I’m going to get up, without saying a word, and leave the room’, and ‘While reading through your text messages, I noticed that recently, you’ve been getting flirty texts from a girl called Julie. How do I bring this up without admitting that I’ve been violating your privacy for years?’

Cooking

Food is a huge part of being a domestic goddess, as it creates a welcoming environment for family, not to mention that mothers need to provide a nutritionally balance diet for their children, and that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Cheat your way to goddess-standard by going to Iceland and buying lot of frozen square-shapes, bunging them in the deep-fat fryer and throwing them in people’s faces. Yes, these aren’t the most appetising of dinners, but if you chain-smoke for a few hours in the kitchen before dinnertime, your family will attribute their non-appetites to the cigarette smoke plaguing their lungs rather than Iceland’s finest. If anyone offers constructive criticism about your cooking, just suffix their comments with, ‘Or perhaps you would prefer it if mummy just killed herself? Is that want you want? Hmmmm? Because if I do, it’ll be all your fucking fault.’ Then you can storm off to the chippy.

Setting the Scene

It is not only the job of a domestic goddess to take care of everything inside the home, but outside, too. You need to make sure your family have everything they need in order to succeed in their everyday lives. Make sure your husband’s clothing is always neat and pressed by telling him, ‘Anything that isn’t neat and pressed is getting a knife through it- whether you’re wearing it or not.’ Likewise, your children should always look appropriate to detract disapproving stares from strangers. Achieve this by letting them dress themselves, and then squealing at anyone who dares to glance at them, saying, ‘What the fuck are you looking at, you old bitch? Keep walking or I’ll destroy you’.

A woman’s work is never done. So you might as well not bother, and get drunk instead.

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