How To Live Your Dream

‘Living the dream’ is one of life’s ultimate goals, long presumed to be enjoyed by a chosen few. When we talk about making dreams a reality, most are likely to be of the mindset that achieving one’s dreams is an unrealistic fantasy or an unattainable goal, so what’s the point in trying, right?

WRONG. Look around you- everything you see has been conceptualised by someone who lived their dreams and stuck it to the naysayers. Every day, people achieve dreams and goals despite having odds stacked against them, not to mention living in a world where most believe that nothing is possible.

So, with that in mind- what’s to stop you achieving your dreams? Here’s a few ways in which you can make it happen.

Denial

A very quick and easy route on the road to living the dream is to consume a big plate of fucking denial. It’s simple- just start being one of those crazy, deluded people on Jeremy Kyle who doesn’t seem to notice that the world is rolling their eyes at them. And you don’t see anyone on Jeremy Kyle realising they live the life of a depressing scumbag- thank you, denial. In fact, Jeremy Kyle people seem to comprise their own mini-society with much lower standards than the rest of the world. You’d be like their fucking king.

Downgrade Your Dreams

Let’s face it- dreams are pretty hard work, not to mention having no guarantee that all that hard work is going to pay off. But if you downgraded those dreams to something more realistic then you wouldn’t have to work as hard and you’d probably still achieve your goals. For example, wanting to be a famous popstar is going to take years of hard work, talent, luck, expense and risk. But, if you downgraded your dreams to say, being a singer in your local old folks’ home, then you’d probably be able to achieve your dreams right now without even breaking a nail. And I bet Katy Perry doesn’t have access to a fuckload of prescription drugs and a mobility scooter like you will. Well, she probably does- but FUCK HER and her stupid blue hair.

Piss On The Parades Of Others

The problem with other bastards living their dreams is that they stretch the invisible barrier of happiness, thus creating more space between themselves and you, at the other end of the spectrum- sitting alone and smoking while giving someone the fingers. Therefore, if you could piss on their parade by being insulting and rude about the achievements of others, then they’d be less happy, which makes you less unhappy by comparison. Let’s face it, happy bastards keep hogging all the happiness anyway- someone needs to put those bastards in their place. Anyone up for setting someone’s car on fire?

Die Before You Fly

Ever heard of the phrase ‘fake it ’til you make it’? Yeah, well, this is the death version of that. Lots of people, like Kurt Cobain and Heath Ledger, passed away before their time, leaving behind an implied legacy of endless talent. However, look at Michael Jackson– all he left behind was an uncomplimentary nickname and involuntary familial trip to the Jobcentre- if he had’ve died a few decades earlier, things would have been much better for his image. Don’t wait until you’ve lived that disappointing existence that you know in your heart is inevitable- die now and get yourself a free pass to assumed brilliance. Of course, I’m not suggesting that you kill yourself. Just fake your death and have that much needed ‘me-time’ that you keep promising yourself. Hello, trip to a fish spa with that voucher you bought on Groupon!

Put It Off Until You Can Be Arsed

Putting off your dreams until you can be arsed, otherwise known as a ‘New Years’ Resolution’ is an excellent way to delude yourself that the misery you live in won’t eventually swallow you whole, while being able to sit about now and play your X-Box or watch the entire back catalogue of Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo on Youtube (I’ve watched it all and have become very worried that the pregnant teenager is carrying her mother’s boyfriend’s baby). Just keep telling yourself that you’ll do something about those pesky dreams later on in life, and spend the time you have now praying that you either win the lottery/get horrifically mangled in an accident and sue whomever is responsible for your injuries/get struck by lightning and die.

Stop Making Excuses And Go For It

Only joking.

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