Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (or Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles, whatever) hit our screens in the late 1980s, captivating many a child back in the day before remote controls were common and getting up to change the channel was a load of hassle. Those were the days- you could piss away a whole day with nothing but a tennis ball, and no-one really thought that paedophiles were a real thing. Kids today- eh?
Anyway, Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael and Michaelangelo were the perfect blend of green hero- not quite as upset as The Hulk, but more ballsy than the Jolly Green Giant– they truly were ’80s icons. But where are those lovable, wise-cracking New York amphibians and their trusty rat-sidekick? And what about Shredder and those other cunts? Here’s the current scoop:
According to the theme song- Donatello ‘does machines’, and not surprisingly, he’s still at it. Now working for the NASDAQ in New York, it’s Donatello‘s job to fix calculators so that the people who ruined our economy don’t have to do it their fucking selves. ‘I eventually want to work my way up to a Stock Analyst position, but it’s not looking likely.’ When asked was his bleak prediction due to the economy, he replied, ‘No, it’s because I’m a turtle. And a cartoon.’
Bebop and Rocksteady
This duo provided comic relief as a dim-witted pairing in TMNT, and have used this platform to relaunch themselves as butch-and-trying-to-hard-to-be-quirky British presenting act, Mel and Sue– and are currently getting in the way of the contestants, causing them to burn their biscuits, while presenting The Great British Bake-Off.
In the series, Raphael was known to be ‘cool but crude’ and, unfortunately, this reputation did little for his ability to find a regular acting gig when TMNT ended in 1996. He was last spotted auditioning for a small role in ‘American Pie VII- The Mid-Life Crisis- Oh Wait, We’ve Already Sort Of Done That One When We Made ‘The Reunion’, But It’s Okay, We’ll Just Get The Cast To Walk Down A High School Hallway In Slow Motion To A Wankish Soundtrack, And No-One Will Ever Know’. It is unknown if Raphael has got a part in the film, but according to directors, ‘Probably not, because he doesn’t really exist’.
Known for his calm demeanour and spiritual teachings, Splinter was always the voice of reason. Perhaps this is why, after the series’ ended, Splinter opted for a life out of the limelight, living in a tiny crack in a sideboard of a crackden in Brooklyn, where he resides with his 42, 674 rat babies. Unfortunately, their mother died in a tragic cheese-in-a-rat-trap accident, but Splinter is confident that one day, he’ll get that cheese, or die tryin’.
Everyone’s favourite turtle, Michaelangelo, was famed for being a party dude, but alas, his partying ways have eclipsed his ability to focus on using his popularity to gain legitimate acting roles. According to reports, he was recently spotted falling out a nightclub after a night of heavy drinking with Lindsay Lohan, being papped without his knickers on as he got into a taxi. He is currently suing the makers of Friends, saying that the character of Joey ‘stole his personality’.
Relentless cunt, Shredder, was always coming up with new ways to terrorise the city of New York. But since 9/11, the city has clamped down on suspected terrorism activity and Shredder is currently serving a life sentence without parole. ‘I’m using my time inside to learn French. And also, knitting’, he beams.
Group leader, Leonardo, kept all of the others in check as they battled against the evil Shredder and his allies. Nowadays, Leonardo prefers to channel his leadership skills into a more rewarding cause, working in the maximum-security jail where Shredder currently resides. ‘I’ve raped him twice. So far’, he laughs.
After starring in the show, supervillian Krang used his contacts to launch music magazine, Kerrang, so that people who like to define themselves by wearing black lipstick and tartan garments could have something to strategically display under their arm while they walk around so that everyone else knows that they’re intellectually superior, based on not-very-good songs that idiots have written.
That’s all for this month, folks. Join us again when we get up-to-date on another famous TV cast by
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