How To Cope With The Recession- Part III

The economy is continuing in a downward spiral more depressing than sitting in your baked-bean stained underwear at the funeral of a toothless prostitute. And it doesn’t seem like there’s much light at the end of the tunnel.

So here are some more of my tips for coping with the recession. All serious, as usual.

Collect Tins

Collecting tins used to be a way for children to make some extra pocket money, but now, adults are getting in on the act, too. It’s easy, just get yourself a pair of fingerless gloves and then decide which one of the two crooks from the Home Alone films you’d like to copy the hairstyle of, and off you go. Watch out for AIDs-infected needles as you relive your bin-rummaging childhood. Once you’ve collected your body weight in tins (probably a skip-worth), take them to your local buyer and exchange them for a monetary value lower than it costs to buy yourself a solitary tin of lager. Then cry to yourself. And go get checked for AIDs, just to be on the safe side.

Be In An Accident

‘In work, on the road or anywhere else for that matter? Then you may be entitled to compensation.’ Says an actor in a suit pretending to be a lawyer the InjuryLawyers4U advertisement on ITV2. My advice? Tape your accident. Because when InjuryLawyers4U sue your workplace and take most of your money, passing on to you the sum of £25 and a pen and leaving you jobless, then you can send the tape to You’ve Been Framed and get an extra £250 for snapping your spinal cord in half. Good times.

Invent A Time Machine

And go back in time to when today’s investment bankers and financial leaders haven’t been conceived yet, and try to dissuade their future parents from conceiving such a pack of ravenous scumbags. If it turns ugly, threaten to give them AIDs, because, y’know, you still have AIDs from that time you collected tins.

Write A Hit Christmas Song

Regardless of the credit crunch, people still find money to overindulge children who have done little to deserve it at Christmas. Ah, Christmas- a time to buy things and eat until you puke- people spare no expense at Christmas. Therefore, writing a hit Christmas song will allow you to live off royalties for the rest of your life. But considering this market is so saturated, you will need to think outside the box and write something original. My own attempt at a Christmas song is called, ‘Christmas, Apparently’, and here it is in all of it’s glory.

‘Christmas is a time for rolling eyes,

Paedophiles don a convenient disguise,

Eating disorder starts with the gift of Sindy,

While we all have to suffer through The Xmas Special: Mork and Mindy.

No reason why we celebrate this day,

God doesn’t exist anyway,

Office workers have affairs,

Poor old Jesus- no one cares.


Oh November 1st to sometime in January,

That’s Christmas apparently,

Don’t even think about going to Argos,

How much of a cunt are people prepared to be?

Step back, you effing bitch, Are you trying to dry hump me?

Ok, now you’re invading my personal space, this space right here you ignorant cunt, don’t fuck with me today, I’m not in the mood.

That’s Christmas, apparently. *Jazz hands.

Either that or a rap of some kind.

Pretend You Have A Mental Disorder And See If You Can Get Away With Using Monopoly Money

You never know, someone might give you a bag of crisps or something so you’ll fuck off.

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