In a society where stupidity is a commodity, money equals success and Joey Essex continues to be allowed to exist as an actual human being, fame is the ultimate prize. For the majority, fame is perceived as a doorway to excitement, fulfilment and acceptance, and more than ever, individuals are willing to do anything to achieve it.
Back in the days of yore, one would have to possess actual talent, drive and commitment, not to mention experience, in order to achieve notoriety in their field- fame being an unwanted by-product of their success. It took years to become famous. Nowadays, the general consensus seems to be that achieving fame should take twelve weeks- tops. And they’ll throw in a Christmas Number 1 for good measure.
But what if, like me, you don’t have twelve weeks, a sob story and a penchant for living in a house full of unbearable tosspots while the Daily Mail prints a tell-all about the time you got your first period, after which you gain public sympathy and later develop a drug problem to deal with the shame? All of that seems like awful hard work. So here are my top tips for getting famous… in a flash.
Get Heckled By Builders
If you’re a lady or a feminine-looking gentleman, you can get heckled by builders to satisfy those feelings of love that your father didn’t give you. It’s easy, all you need is a slaggy dress and a cigarette- hey presto, those men will be heckling you like you’re a worthless slag in no time. Don’t forget to fake a look of disgust after being heckled- it tells other pedestrians that you feel humiliated and violated, even if you coughed loudly beside the construction site to get the builders’ attention in the first place.
Sign Everything Like A Starlet
In my mundane day-to-day life, I sign things constantly. Mostly for deliveries from Matalan and other drabocities. But with some added pizazz, I can feel like I’m signing autographs quicker than you can say ‘Go fuck yourself, you weird bitch’. For example, when your shopping arrives from Sainsbury’s and the delivery man hands you his little electronic pad for you to sign so that they can charge you, say, ‘Ok, who should I make this out to?‘ When he looks confused, laugh lightly and say, ‘You’re starstuck, eh? Don’t worry, I get this all the time.’ Remember, when signing your name, add ‘Best wishes’ or ‘To my number one fan’. Hand back the pad and say something like, ‘Stay cool, Daddio’ and give him a thumbs-up. Nice.
Deluded Yourself. In General.
One thing I’ve noticed is that, when it comes to reality TV, the arsehole subject matter usual spends their time creating situations where they can just act like a total cunt for laughs- much like a naughty, attention-seeking child whose mother is too disinterested in to disipline. With that in mind, make like the Kardashians and just walk around being ‘crazy’ for laughs. Don’t get a trolley in Asda– deprive someone with an actual disability of a mobility scooter and use that to knock down displays while unintentionally making it obvious that you’re looking at the camera and laughing nervously.
Likewise, in social situations- don’t be pleasant and polite. Take a pregnancy test in your place of work while crying profusely, even though you know you aren’t pregnant. Film a one-night stand with your second cousin and play it back to your family for a laugh. Bring an inappropriate family member to your bikini-wax appointment and make your beautician uncomfortable while they rate your bare arse out of ten. Don’t forget to conclude such events by discussing them in terms of the ‘Peak’ and ‘Pit’ of your day- making reference to your father’s demise at length so that you can capitalise on his death.
See Yourself As A Star- And Others Will Follow
It’s not good enough to act like you’re famous- others have to belbe in on the act for you to live your life in absolute denial. It’s the little things like answering every phonecall you receive with, ‘Hi, this is [your name]- thank you so much for voting for me. You rock! This is an automated message- you have been charged £5 plus your standard call rate for this call,’ and then hanging up, to insisting upon wearing sunglasses in nightclub photographs with friends (remember to look awkward and as though you’re gracing them with your presence), and even having a man with a Geordie accent floating around occasionally to narrate your life (‘Sally is having an affair with her brother-in-law just to convince herself she isn’t dead inside’, ‘Sally accidentally gave her nephew peanuts after temporarily forgetting his allergy and is currently in an ambulance with him. She’s going to tell her sister that he stole them from the cupboard and she saved his life to cover up the fact that she nearly killed him’. Yes, Sally’s life seems dramatic, but remember: some scenes have been set up purely for your entertainment).
Captivate Your Audience
Fame is all about the general public feigning interest in what you’re doing, so by rights, doing interesting things publicly should achieve fame. You can accomplish this easily by getting on a public bus and spouting some drivel about ‘Jesus‘ and ‘Judgement Day’ until you make small children cry because they’re frightened, and Shazam! Instant fame. This one is a lot easier if you smell like piss, cigarettes and whiskey because no-one is likely to forceably remove you from the bus for fear of getting your smell on their coat. Incidentally, should someone on that bus try to be a hero and remove you- just play dead, shouting ‘Rape!’ or ‘Fugggg off, bastid…’ weakly until you vomit all down your front. That should take care of it.
Have Talent, Motivation and The Ability To Excel In Your Chosen Field
Only joking. Kill your parrot and use your tears to soar through to X Factor Bootcamp. Yay!