In just four short weeks, you’ll be seething with resent and unhappiness, looking at your watch every five minutes and resisting the urge to douse your family in lighter fluid and burn them alive at the thought of spending even one more agonising minute with them- because it’ll be Christmas Eve! Not that you didn’t know this already- if you have Facebook, you’ll already be privvy to multiple Christmas countdowns, an update of who, what, when and were with regards to Christmas-Tree-Putting-Uppery and a delightful rundown of how many people have watched Elf. Again.
Anyway, Christmas is a time for
presents joy and being with cunts you hate people you love, and the ‘perfect Christmas’ is a long sought-after tradition that we all aspire to. No matter how much of a depressing pile of shit it is in actuality, the relentless enthusiasm by which we adorn twinkle and cheer to the season is admirable. Sort of like the Casey Anthony trial- she knew she was guilty, we knew she was guilty, but by fuck, ain’t nobody was gonna get in the way of her getting out of jail, waiting for the backlash to die down and signing herself up for ‘Celebrity Rehab’.
But with only four weeks to go and no prior preparation, should you put yourself under back-breaking pressure to achieve the ‘perfect Christmas’? Isn’t being with family enough? Shouldn’t we turn away from materialism and realise that health and happiness are the only gift we need? And isn’t is all about religion anyway?
NO! Get moving now, you lazy slaaaggg! Only 720 hours to go (if you don’t sleep- which you shouldn’t)- if you don’t deliver the perfect Christmas, you’re a bad person and deserve to get AIDs. Here are my tips to help plan the perfect Christmas… in four weeks.
Christmas is all about showing everyone how much fun you’re having, when in reality, you’re praying for the sweet release of January. Start by updating your Facebook with something smug about how ahead you are with your preparation, like, ‘Christmas Tree Done. Elf watched. New Sofa ordered from DFS in time for Christmas. Ah this is what it’s all about Lolz #HaveYourselfAMerryLittleChristmas’. Ensure you get that hashtag in there. It means you’re funny, original and ironic. Extra smug points.
Once your Facebook has been updated with a primary update, remember to ‘check yourself in’ at your local Christmas Market, take a photograph of your kids with a hot chocolate moustache and-this one is important- share any pictures on your timeline of Christmassy backdrops with messages about how Christmas is all about God. Remember not to think about God too much though, as you might forget to pack your sleeping bag for the Next 4 a.m. opening of their Boxing Day sale. Charge!
Having retrieved the boxes of Christmas decorations from the attic where you lovingly fucked them in January, start your decoration process with gusto as you untangle fairy lights from around an empty Toberone box. Laugh as you find a discarded edible tree decoration that you threw in to storage by mistake. Get pissed off after five minutes of going nowhere with the lights and settle in to watch Elf while someone else decorates. Eat the definately-toxic tree decoration, and hang your head in shame.
Today, ‘Cyber Monday’, is the busiest online shopping day of the year as we collectively scramble to buy presents in advance. Decide to hit the shops instead in an effort to beat the inevitable Amazon server-crash, armed with a fistful of cash and a shopping list filled with the names of bastards you wish were dead along with ‘Something on 3 for 2 at Boots’ written beside them. Call into the pub on your way to the shops for one Yuletide drink before the hard work starts. Before you know it, you’ve passed out and your family are carrying you home while you slur how much you hate them all.
Christmas is made magical with spirit, so it’s time to get some. Don’t believe Hollywood– spirit is not found in giving, helping the needy and prayer- it’s actually acquired through boasting, smugness and consumerism. So bypass your local church and head straight to Asda instead, where you can fill up your trolley with tat and bump into your neighbours to tell them how much more organised you are than them. Also, make sure to define the start of the Christmas period by the first appearance of the Coca-Cola advertisement on TV. Yes, that’s right- Coca Cola, a company who steal water from thirsty developing countries to give us all cancer- yay! Holidays are coming! This was definately what people in biblical times had in mind for the celebration of Christ when they made up Jesus.
Mistletoe and Wine by Sir Cliffy on repeat for the next month- next!
Isn’t that what Christmas all about? No, as established, it’s about presents. But family is allegedly in there somewhere. As such, make sure to spend lots of quality time with your family during the festive season. For example, you can all sit around the TV and watch Elf while you bury your head in Facebook and the kiddies spend their time weakening their sense of morality on their game consoles. Or for even more togetherness, play games like, ‘Shut the Fuck Up Before I Stab You’ and ‘I’m Having An Affair On The Side Which Is Why I’m Nicer Than Usual.’
Goodwill Towards Men
Ultimately, Christmas is a time for peace and goodwill to all. Exemplify this by scrapping in a carpark over the last box of Saxo dry-stuffing mix.
Anyway, I’m off to hit the shops. Where’s my chainsaw?