Ten Things You Never Knew About… Britney Spears

Razzle dazzle mime artist, Britney Spears has captured our hearts since she burst on to the pop scene with her American dream facade, darkened with a suspected-incestual past and a fuckload of brown lipstick.

Since then, Britney’s personal life has played out in front of our very eyes to the backdrop of her hit catalogue of songs, the subject matter of which is usually something to do with how people are always telling her what to do. I say, let her write her own fucking songs and we’ll all have a good laugh at that instead. It’d be an endless monologue of how great lollipops are from the perspective of a child prostitute.

Anyways, we are constantly bombarded with the daily happenings of the current X Factor USA judge- but what do we not know about her? Here’s Ten Things You Never Knew About… Britney Spears.

1. Contrary to popular belief, Britney Spears was not born in Hickville, USA. She was actually created in a laboratory in Russia– her makers fused together Kelly from Married With Children’s personality, 80s popstar Tiffany’s charisma, and the lying-in-bed-at-night-thought-train of serial killer Aileen Wuornos, in an experiment that went ”horribly wrong”.

2. After being adopted by a bunch of rednecks, Britney spent the majority of her early childhood living in a trailer and being jealous of Jon Benet Ramsey for being both a child pageant queen and dead.

3. Before Britney had even hit puberty, she had already become a familiar face on redneck television, advertising products such as cheese-flavoured butter and ham shaped like a foetus. Foetus ham was such a success that 8-year old Britney bought herself a boob-job.

4. By her sixteenth birthday, Britney secured herself a record deal and was in the process of campaigning for her first release to be a mash-up of the theme song off ‘You’ve Been Framed’ and Christian nursery school favourite, ‘Zachaeus Was A Greedy Little Man’. Against her wishes, ‘Baby One More Time’ was released.

5. Even though Britney had little control over her debut song, she was heavily involved with the conceptualisation of the music video, suggesting herself that she ‘dressed as a sexy secretary, sexy nun, sexy schoolgirl or just a general slag, and gyrated around the room for a bit’. The video was a hit worldwide, especially in Japan where sleazy old men are known to be extra-creepy.

6. But Britney wanted the world to know that she is more than just a pretty face. ‘I also have a dog called Teapot that went to live on a farm’, she says robotically.

7. With a string of hits under her non-trouser-holding-up belt, Britney took a break in 2004 to focus on her personal life. And a right fuck up she made of it, too, after meeting once-husband Kevin Federline. ‘I met him in my garden, where he slept for several weeks, waiting for the right moment to introduce himself, impregnate me and bleed me dry. Britney laughs fondly. Oh, wait, I wasn’t supposed to read that bit, I was just supposed to laugh, wasn’t I?’, reads Britney from a page given to her by some corporate drone capitalising on her nervous breakdown.

8. At the height of her fame, Britney earned $1200 per minute. Well, her record label did. Britney’s share was a packet of Haribo, a second-hand Barbie doll, a box of smokes, a DVD boxset of Look Who’s Talking and a near-expired coupon for 25% off a tin of Foetus Ham.

9. Having lived through the hell of a nervous breakdown, two failed marriages, public humiliation and endless court battles, Britney is, gladly, on the mend- and looking for new business opportunities. Her latest endorsement is an interactive board game where men compete to see how many women’s drinks they can spike, before sexually assaulting them in nightclubs. ‘I call it ‘Minge Binge’, and soon, it’ll be in a nightclub near you,‘ Britney smiles shakily while doing the robot on a lighty-uppy disco floor.

10. With all the craziness behind her, Britney is looking forward to a bright future with her two sons and latest fiance, Jason Trawick. ‘The tabloids make him sound like another sponger, but he pairs jeans with suit blazers. And he wears glasses. So he must be casual but firm. With a softer, intelligent side. Britney will be alright. Don’t worry about her,’ she was told to say by Jason.

Well, that’s it for another month, folks. And thanks to Britney for being so hilarious. And for the song version of a Deepest Sympathy Regarding The Death of Your Cat card shaped like a tampon, I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman. It just does not get better than that…

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