How To Deal With A Cheater

Ok, so you’ve fallen in love, moved in together, started to settle down and braced yourself for a long, bleak life set amidst a festering mutual resentment for zapping the life out of each other. That’s usually it. But if your partner throws a spanner in the works by having an affair- how do you deal with that?

Relationships have the ability to make you extremely happy, or extremely miserable. And if your partner serves you a massive slice of shit pie by cheating on you behind your back- well, that’s just unforgivable.

Or is it? Each relationship is different. So are the circumstances. And the fact that your partner has cheated may not change your feelings for them. With that in mind, it’s impossible to give advice on the subject that is universally true for every relationship. But fuck it- I’m a huge, hypocrital bastard anyway. Here’s ‘How To Deal With a Cheating Partner’.

Jeremy Kyle

If suspicions arise that your partner is playing away, be sensible. Ring Jezza and book your slot for the next show entitled ‘Cheating Bastard Scum Fuckbags’, and tell your partner you’re whisking him away on a romantic trip to London. Do not tell him you’re going on Jeremy Kyle. Then sit there while the problem festers for weeks on end, not confronting it head-on like a normal adult should, waiting for the producers to take a break from playing Foxy Bingo online to give you an appearance date. Before going on the show, knock out all of your teeth and put on your threadbeariest Adidas tracksuit- it’s the dresscode.


When Jeremy Kyle gets your partner to admit his infidelity by doing that sanctimonious thing where he sits down on the stage steps to level with the both of you, slowly shouting ‘For God’s sake, be a man! She’s at home every night looking after your baby and you’re too selfish to stop courting your bleeding bit on the side!’ then it’s time to head home and pick up the pieces. Do this by seething silently for weeks on end. Say things without saying anything by sighing loudly, pretending to read magazines but just angrily turning the pages and pissing the bed ”because you’re traumatised”.

Listen To Your Heart

After weeks of misery for all involved have elapsed, approach your partner and inform him that you are ready to listen to his side of the story. Get yourself ready to hear a few home truths. Being drunk will considerably ease the pain, so ensure you’re too drunk to stand before they start speaking. Then, being drunk, use the conversation to weep helplessly and say things like ‘Fugggggg off, ya bastid. This were you’re fault, not mine. I’m a fuckin’ saint. Cha-mone.’ Do a few animal noises, too, because when you’re that drunk, making animal noises always seems like a good idea. Miaow.

Don’t Get Mad

Get even. Even though your partner assures you that the person they cheated with didn’t know you existed- and therefore isn’t to blame for your partner’s bad decisions- you should grab your car keys and drive drunkenly round to that hoe’s house, pull up on her garden and throw that empty vodka bottle in your hand through her window. When she comes out of the house, shout, ‘How do you like me now, motherfucker?’ until the police cart you away for a lonely night in the cells.

On The Mend

When your partner bails you out the following morning, you should be ready to talk. Listen to your partner’s reasoning, it will give you clues as to why he cheated in the first place. If you’re married, you can start destroying everything he loves now, under the guise of ‘mending your relationship’, such as banning him from socialising with anyone and mentally abusing him. If you aren’t married, wait until you have that ring on your finger before showing your true colours. And nod along to his justification monologue like a serial killer disguised as a faithful Springer Spaniel.

Moving On

Going forward, if you choose to remain in a relationship with your partner, you need to put this mishap behind you. For me, this includes bringing it up at every possible interval, picking a fight about it at any given time, and throwing it back in his face relentlessly. Make sure you get hysterical enough in public about it that strangers will be compelled to come up to you and ask if ”that man is bothering you”.

If you choose not to stay with your partner as you cannot forgive his betrayal, then you should cut off all contact to allow yourself to focus on moving forward, not backwards.

But without someone to threaten to castrate in the dead of night when they least expect it, where’s the fun in that?

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