Ten Things You Never Knew About… One Direction

One Direction

X Factor ‘royalty’, One Direction, first exploded on to the music scene when they were deemed not good enough to compete as solo artists on the show and were lumped into the group category with the suspected instructions, ‘Don’t struggle with Louis Walsh, it’s best to just let him finish’. But after that initial scramble, these modern day Sk8r Bois have taken the music industry by storm, miming in iconic concert settings all over the world.

As famous for their exploits as they are their manufactured asexual dronings, everything these boys touch turns to gold. Well, Disney-necklace-exclusive-to-Argos gold. But what do we not know about One Direction? Here’s the scoop:

1. Mickey, Mikey, Mike, Ike and Biffo hail from working class backgrounds in various regions around England and Ireland. When the boys first applied for X Factor, the producers insisted they compete under ‘sexier’ aliases, and renamed the boys Louis, Niall, Harry, Zayn and Liam because they wanted the boys to sound like ‘a special needs class in a modern-day Grange Hill‘.

2. As is customary on X Factor, the boys had to each submit a sob story in order to qualify in the preliminary heats. ‘When I heard that every one of us had a shitting-their-trunks-in-a-public-setting story, I knew it was fate,‘ explains Biffo Liam.

3. Whilst competing in the X Factor, the boys popularised a variety of old songs, giving them an updated twist for their new generation of fans. Such songs included ‘Girl You Know It’s True’ by Milli Vanilli during Mime Week, ‘Gimme More’ by Britney Spears during Singing Along To A Prerecorded Track While Eating Cheesy Wotsits Week, and ‘Backstreet’s Back’ by Backstreet Boys during Arguments In Favour Of Pro-Choice Week.

4. Even though the boys didn’t win the X Factor, they remain firm friends with series winner, Hats McGee, who won with his original mash-up of, ‘When I’m Cleaning Windows/No Way No Way (Manah Manah) Don’t get Fresh With Me’.

One Direction: Dead zany.

One Direction: Dead zany.

5. The boys frequently return to the X Factor stage to perform, where Mickey Harry was rumoured to have had a relationship with Xtra Factor presenter, Caroline Flack. This affair was concocted by X Factor producers and was deliberately outlandish to keep people from guessing that Harry was actually dating Olly Murs.

6. The boys’ love lives are the subject of much speculation but not all of the boys are interested in dating. ‘I’d much prefer to spend my time sewing dresses for my porcelain doll collection,’ laughs Ike Louis.

7. Token minority Mike Zayn, however, has been dating fellow X Factor turd, Perrie from Little Mix, since their record label forced them together for marketing purposes. Sadly, it has been reported this week that Zayn is rumoured to have cheated on Perrie and has been subsequently dumped. Although neither party has confirmed anything, a record label representative has said, ‘Expect to see staged pictures of Zayn in a rehabilitation facility playing guitar on his own wearing a loose fitting linen shirt and hemp bottoms in a future issue of Heat magazine in relation to this issue.’

8. Sadly, the same can be said for Biffo Liam, who split with long term girlfriend Danielle in September 2012. ‘She didn’t know she was beautiful, and even though that’s what made her beautiful, the memories of Louis Walsh make me not want to be touched,’ he shudders.

9. Baby of the group, Mikey Niall has no time for love, even though he’s had plenty of offers. ‘I’m too busy with my Facebook poke war with Jedward, and buying various colours of oversized baseball caps in Footlooker with team logos on them of which I couldn’t even tell you what sport they relate to,’ he shrugs, going back to his Scalextric set.

10. Despite their tumultuous love lives and extensive work and personal commitments, these boys are intent upon world domination. But what’s next for One Direction? ‘We want to start releasing our own compositions, and have been working on a album that with songs about each flavour of Rowntree’s Fruit Pastille. My favourite is purple flavour, and I hate green. But it’s ok because Biffo loves green,‘ said the one with the floppy hair, Disney-boy smile and formal suit blazer with skinny jeans.

Well, no matter what, these boys are heading in the right Direction. Insert other jokes here.

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