I fucking hate Sky TV. Here’s why:
1. Why do they even bother to show the weather on Sky News when your Sky box breaks when it rains?
Despite being a multi-billion pound company, evidentally Sky make their viewing boxes from bits of old potato skin and a few milk bottle tops left over from a Blue Peter project when they were deemed ‘too flimsy to use’. They are tempermental as fuck, to the point I get anxious doing anything scart-related down the back of the TV, for fear of the box knocking off and having to deal with the dreading blue screen and error code 26 (call centre representative translation: this caller has raped your spouse and you should treat them as such).
I’m now at the point that I’m praying that Winter will pass mildly lest I have to ring their fucking premium rate line and listen to ‘Let Me Entertain You’ by Robbie Williams on loop until I either A) die of old age or B) cut myself just to feel something.
2. Ringing their call centre
Which brings me to my next point. I avoid ringing Sky at all costs. Usually, I try to solve Sky-related problems myself (i.e. taking out the wire connected to the satellite dish, blowing the dust off it and putting it back 57 times before kicking the TV and walking off to cry elsewhere), but sometimes I have no choice and must ring their premium rate number so that someone can ruin my day. The last time I had no choice but to ring, a representative advised that the technical difficulties I had experienced were due to snow, to which I pointed out that it wasn’t snowing. I was asked to check with my next door neighbour, to see if they had snow. Obviously, my neighbour lives in Antarctica. Fuck sake.
3. Rupert Murdoch
Probably the most sickening thing about being tied into a Sky contract is that you’re making Rupert Murdoch, a cunt of the highest order, a little bit richer. Not that he needs it. In Alan Sugar’s autobiographical bore-fest, ‘What You See Is What You Get’ (I bet other potential titles included ‘You Are The Weakest Link, Goodbye’ and ‘Only Smarties Have The Answer’, the unoriginal wanker), he whittles on for a few pages about how he wasn’t too fond of Rupert Murdoch when they first met back in the days of Sky’s conception, but now thinks he’s a top guy.
Ahmmm, Rupert Murdoch completely controls any UK right-wing propaganda-style media that relentlessly spews out sensationalised nonsense about how immigration and benefit-claimants are responsible for the ongoing economic turdslide, whilst neglecting to point out that, actually, we wouldn’t be in this fucking mess if it wasn’t for greedy investment banker bastards and people like himself, large multi-nationals who don’t pay their corporate tax and the tolerance for white-collar crime. He is literally the exact opposite of Robin Hood, in that he steals from the poor, gives to the rich. What a cunt.
4. Their fucking motto
Sky saying ‘Believe in Better’ is like a domestic abuser whispering to his/her spouse after a particularly harsh beating, ‘One day you’ll escape’.
5. They own the rights to Modern Family
And if it wasn’t for Modern Family, I’d be skipping off to Virgin with more delight than Richard Branson arsing about in a hot air balloon and posing with disadvantaged yoofs for photographs on the CSR section of the Virgin website (you can’t access it because your Virgin broadband is currently experiencing technical difficulties, but it’s there, I promise). On second thought, Richard Branson is so irritating that I don’t own enough knives to stab him adequately, so perhaps not.
6. They don’t reply to e-mailed queries
And you know why? Because they don’t give a fuck.
7. The staff are a drag
Two years ago, I rang Sky after receiving a letter to advise that they had tried to ring me twice (they hadn’t) to inform me that they were cancelling my Broadband order because my address didn’t exist (it did- hence the fact I’d received their letter). When I (delightfully) rang back, I spoke to the one remaining department whose work hadn’t been outsourced to Mumbai to exploit cheaper operational costs, which was great. Except it wasn’t, at all. The call centre representative spent the majority of the call talking about how she was disappointed that her First in Law amounted to a Sky call centre job, while I made sympathetic noises and prayed she didn’t get put me on hold to go for a smoke in the staff toilets. Unsurprisingly, my broadband order remains unfulfilled because Sky maintains my home does not exist. Which is funny because they still charge me for Sky TV when according to them, I’m homeless and can probably do with the money, not to mention the fact that I probably wouldn’t have a TV what with living on the streets.
8. They treat new customers better than existing customers
Yes, Sky are happy to hand out freebies and shit to people who don’t have Sky, but what do you get for loyalty? A hearty ‘Fuck you’, that’s what. This is the equivalent of going on a dinner date with your partner, in which they shit in your handbag and hand out roses to every other lady in the restaurant. I, for one, would not put up with that shit. But what am I going to do? Ring and complain? Can’t do that as my neighbour doesn’t have snow. Leave? Then I’ll never get to see Gloria have her baby on Modern Family. Not that they’re even showing Modern Family anyway as Sky says it’s ‘still on Christmas break’. It’s the middle of February, for fuck’s sake.
9. They get you hooked and they treat you like a bitch
You see, they hooked me in with Modern Family and then I watched Girls on Sky Atlantic and I’m hooked on that, too. Us people who watch TV as a substitute for actual relationships with real, non-TV based people are well and truly fucked. There’s no chance I’m going to leave. What would I do with my time? All my possible timefillers lead to murder.
Even though I’ve ranted for 1,000 words, I still don’t feel like I’ve scratched the surface of Sky’s cuntdom. We all know that public hatred for Sky is infinite.
Anything you don’t like about Sky? Perhaps you love the romance of ringing Mumbai and then listening to someone who has spent their day on the receiving end of mild racial insults for the majority of their 14-hour shift and don’t agree? But maybe you aren’t a fucking moron and you do. So let me know what you hate about Sky and we’ll sit around and bitch about it until we both pledge to cancel, but then decide against it privately.