Yes folks, it’s time again for another Exercise Move of the Month! And this month’s move aims to give you a full body workout by doing… fuck all, really.
As the sort of person who drinks wine as 5 0f my 5-a-day, I’m hardly the most motivated to make a decent lifestyle change. Which is why I think vowing to do something about your shit diet and lack of exercise routine tomorrow is a great idea because then you don’t have to worry about it today and you can relax because everything will be alright when you wake up tomorrow with a magic personality transplant that includes not wanting to smoke anymore and a burning desire to lift some weights. Yes, this will definately happen.
Furthermore, when you wake you tomorrow, you only have to do ‘something’ about your crappy diet and exercise routine, and that doesn’t neccessarily mean cut out the crap and start riding a bike, it just means you have to appear as though you’re making a change for the better. And it is for this purpose, and this purpose only, that the Argos catalogue has a ‘gym equipment’ section.
Of course, no-one who purchases such equipment actually uses it. No, it’s just there to self-delude that today is the first day of the rest of your life. The day after purchase, it’ll morph into an expensive clothes-fucker-overer. But for that first day, it’ll be your ‘I’m doing something about my Type-2 diabetes and possible drinking problem’ procrastination station. And only for the cost of a few thousand quid. So this month’s exercise move is brought to you by your imminent heart attack, and is called ‘Putting in a Home Gym’. Here’s how to do it:
It’s Sunday and you’ve just eaten four portions of dessert and the big bowl of pasta salad you made yourself well-meaningly for lunches all week. You vow to ‘do something about it’ tomorrow. With that in mind, start to work out your biceps by chain-smoking all night in accordance with ‘the rules’- i.e. you must get rid of all temptations in the house that will prevent you from starting your life over again tomorrow. If your fitness level permits, push yourself with star jumps so you can see if there’s anything lurking at the back of the cupboards that you can eat now while you have the excuse.
You wake up on Monday morning and remember your pledge to live a healthier lifestyle. Work out those chest muscles as you sob loudly. As you take your crying down to a gentle whimper, feel the burn in your wrists as you chop 14 carrots resentfully for your ‘lunch’.
Get those stomach muscles moving as you try to eat your lunch as fast as you can without vomiting at how bland and shit it is. While your abdominals are fighting back, get those wrists moving as you flick through the Argos catalogue, circling treadmills and other shit you’ll never use. Finally, focus on you breathing as you let out a sigh of despair that you’ve turned out to be such a failure.
Keep that gut in gear as you dry heave when you hand over your credit card to Argos to pay them £1999 for a Reebok treadmill you are surely going to neglect. Whilst your stomach is convulsing, wake up those barely-used neck muscles by shaking your head in denial at that little voice in your head saying ‘Don’t do it’.
Kick your workout up a notch by dragging all of your new bollocks out to your car and wrestling to fit it all in. When you admit defeat, lunge back to Argos to purchase a roof-rack. When installing your new roof-rack, lunge back to the the shop again to inform them of which screws are missing from your purchase.
Arrive home and tone your core with a miserable night of setting up your home gym and arguing with your spouse. Get that heart rate up by screaming ‘You never support any of my dreams’, throwing your spanner at them and locking yourself in the bathroom all night. Keep that heart rate up while you listen to your spouse continuing to erect your home gym just to spite you. Probably.
Bring your body back to down to resting rate as you finally come out of the bathroom and apologise for storming off in a huff. See your new gym in all of it’s glory, taking up space in the spare room. Say ‘Brilliant, I can start working out tomorrow morning’ to your spouse, close the door and never open again.
And… rest. Great workout, everyone!