Four Ways To Quit Smoking


I bet you didn’t know this but smoking is not good for you. Seriously, it’s not. And even though there are so many plusses to throwing the guts of a tenner down the drain in exchange for lung cancer, there are a variety of downsides to smoking, such as cigarette boxes being a major hindrance when fashion dictates that eenie-weenie handbags are all the rage. Yes, smoking is a ‘drag’… etc.

So, if we can’t fit our smokes in mini-semi-functional accessories, why do people smoke, I hear you ask out-of-politeness. I have no idea, to be honest. As a lifelong non-smoker, I’m writing this sanctimoniously from up upon my self-built pedestal, nodding along to the episode of Happy Days when Fonzie got Joanie to quit smoking. I suppose it has something to do with being addicted to nicotine, trying to fit in with the ‘cool gang’ like Danny Zuko and the rest of the T-Birds and generally enjoying standing outside in the pissing rain sucking on a death-stick while the rest of us are inside the club dancing ironically to Ride on Time by Black Box.

But even though I know nothing, I’m getting my two cents in. Here’s Four Ways To Quit Smoking.

Switch Your Supplier

I recently watched a really depressing episode of Rip Off Britain (is there any other kind?) in which Customs & Excise had cottoned on to a huge, decade-long scheme in which fake cigarettes had been shipped to England from France and supplied to local corners shops. ‘These cigarettes contain nothing more than floor sweepings wrapped in greaseproof paper, and people have been smoking these for years thinking they’re authetic,’ tutted the investigations team (made up of the sort of people who start sentences with ‘I’m not racist but’ and proceed with a racist statement). No-one seemed to realise that the ‘criminals’ behind this scheme had probably saved hundreds of smokers from lung cancer with their fake cigarettes, and almost certainly cured anyone who smoked their fake cigarettes long-term of their nicotine addictions, and, considering their stolen taxes were more than recouped in NHS savings on cancer treatment and the infinite cost of saving human lives, they deserve a good pat on the back. So switch your supplier to your local corner shop, and the only thing you’ll be addicted to is laughing at the petty nature of Rip Off Britain.

Get Pregnant

Having another human inside of you means you can blame all sorts of shit on them when really, it’s your own crappy willpower. ‘The baby is a social smoker’ is what you should tell people when they look at you judgementally. Yeah, like they never endangered the life of their own child. This statement implies that the baby only smokes socially, and that you’re not chain smoking at home and blaming it on your unborn child who will thank you when they’re older that you smoked while pregnant and as a result, they now shop in Topshop’s petite section. Bastards.

The sign under which many a smoker stands in the lobby of your local supermarket

The sign under which many a smoker stands in the lobby of your local supermarket

Blame Philosophy

‘If a tree falls in a forest and no-one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?‘, Starbucks patrons egocentrically pontificate. The jury is out on the one, peeps, apparently there are some fucking idiots out there who believe in the possibility that the no sound is made in an unpopulated place. So, you should find this tree, because evidentally, you could probably smoke there and you wouldn’t be smoking, too. And, even if those who do believe that the tree does make a noise in an empty forest are all like ‘Yes, you’re definitely smoking’, those who oppose their viewpoint won’t think you’re smoking, which means you’ve cut down on your smoking by 50%, so you’re halfway on the road to quitting anyways.

If someone points out that as you are now in the tree-vicinity and thus, this makes the argument void as someone is now in the forest, tell them to fuck up and go back to their non-taxpaying coffee.

Smoke Crack Instead

Focusing your nicetine cravings on something else may help in achieving a cigarette-free existence. Smoking crack instead will help you achieve this, as when you lose your job, home and relationships, and whilst shacking up in your local crackden and pimping yourself out to fund your crack habit, cigarettes will be the last thing on your mind.

Quitting smoking is a journey towards addressing the underlying reasons that drove you to start smoking in the first place, such as peer pressure, feelings of inadequency, stress, unhappiness or other life issues. With this in mind, you might consider taking up smoking as a coping mechanism when you’re trying to quit smoking. I won’t tell if you won’t.

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One thought on “Four Ways To Quit Smoking

  1. You are so cool! I do not think I have read through anything like this before.
    So wonderful to discover somebody with some original thoughts on this topic.
    Really.. many thanks for starting this up.
    This website is something that is needed on the internet, someone with some originality!

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