As a person who takes comfort in the misery of others, I am a longtime fan of Biggest Loser USA. Let me specify right now that my love does not extend the UK version- the reason being that the UK version is a bit stiff and everyone’s all like, ‘Oh I’m obese and I don’t want to be. Please pass the skipping rope and I’ll just get on with it quietly in the corner.’ Meanwhile, I’m thinking ‘Come on, realise that you were in a mentally abusive relationship and cry whilst pulling a car with a large man inside it around a race track a few times to Eye of the Tiger playing in the backround’. I fucking love when they do that.
And that’s not even to mention the fact that Biggest Loser USA always houses the best contestants- Middle America’s finest secret serial-killers and absolute lunatics. I defy you to find a single series’ worth of contestants in which no-one has the potential to have strangled a prostitute and buried them in a shallow grave in some desolate woodland. See, you can’t do it. A Domino’s Pizza survey once revealed that Middle Americans much prefer meat pizzas compared to their East Coast and West Coast counterparts, who tend to opt for cheese and vegetable respectively. I say, if Middle Americans are in any way vaguely represented by the Biggest Loser USA contestants, then they aren’t that fucking fussy and will eat anything, including East and West Coasters.
But honestly, I love Biggest Loser USA so much that I sometimes tend to recreate it from the comfort of my own home. If you want to do this, here’s how.
It has been widely reported that Biggest Loser USA contestants are encouraged to starve themselves of food and water when weigh-ins are looming, in order to achieve the lowest possible weight. Do this at home by developing anorexia and telling yourself that if Biggest Loser USA does it, then medically, there has to be some foundation behind it. Remember, don’t drink any water either as it adds extra pounds. You’re going to be so skinny in that coffin.
I fucking love Bob and Jillian. I think my love stems from the fact that I still can’t work out if Bob provides the voice of Mr Garrison from South Park and Jillian Michaels looks like the lovechild of an angular corpse and a Scream mask. Or perhaps it’s just because I’m the type of person who is sustained by inspirational quotes and people grabbing me by the shoulders and saying things like ‘Dammit, bitch! Yo’ Momma didn’t raise no quitter!’ Create your own homemade Bob/Jillian by asking the campest person you know to shout ‘Ching chong, ching chong, fatty fatty, ding dong’ in your face at ten minute intervals, whilst in between, insulting your parenting skills, personality and general ability to cope with life. When you aren’t working out, they can also watch everything you put into your mouth and say, ‘This is how you got to be 400 pounds!‘ and shake their head in disappointment.
The inclusion of Temptations in Biggest Loser USA seriously undermines the show’s aims, and considering this is a programme in which people lose in excess of 100lbs in a matter of weeks and claim to be reborn, that’s pretty fucking hard. But again, since all this shit is supposedly conducted under medical surveillance, it probably helps you to lose weight if you conduct your own temptations at home. You can achieve this platform by buying a box of cupcakes, throwing them in the bin and seeing how long you can go without fishing them out, blowing off the fluff, old plasters and dirty needles, and eating them while sitting in front of a mirror with no clothes on.
Workouts are the very foundation of Biggest Loser USA, I mean, beyond feeling good about yourself by comparing yourself to those in difficulty. To recreate a Biggest Loser USA workout in the comfort of your own home, get a large piece of rope and tie it around your neck like a noose while you run on the treadmill. Have your Bob/Jillian stand in front of you with the other end of the rope in hand and strangle you anytime your running speed drops below 12 miles per hour. When you pass out from lack of oxygen, you get ‘highfived’ from Bob/Jillian and, if you die and get brought back to life, you win a pound deducted from this week’s weigh in.
Emotional breakdowns are definitely my favourite part of Biggest Loser USA, because no-one emotionally breaks down like Middle Americans that are goin’ through some stuff right now. Brilliant. Have yours by placing a large log and an axe out in your back garden, and getting Bob/Jillian to be particularly stingy with their rope-to-neck circumferance ratio, while belittling you to the point they are spitting the most horrific insults they can muster in your face. Walk off shouting ‘Turn off the goddamn cameras, Goddamnit!’ and batting Bob/Jillian’s arm out of the way as they try to console you unapologetically. Arrive at the back garden and start hitting the large log with the axe while the soundman fades in ‘Skyscraper‘ by Demi Lovato and Bob/Jillian whoops and cheers about how you’ve ‘finally broken down those walls’, even though they were the source of your breakdown in the first place.
There’s no point in doing any of this if you don’t have someone to narrate every step of your journey a la Alison Sweeney. Create your own Alison at home by asking an obese friend to constantly describe your weight loss efforts out loud whilst busting out of maybe-novelty-denim outfits that look like they were made for extras in the video for ‘Dilemma’ by Nelly and Kelly. Even though your friend clearly has their own weight issues, don’t let that put them off talking about you in a dehumanising fashion when they should practice what they fucking preach.
Biggest Loser USA frequently enlists the help of Curtis Stone, celebrity chef, to show the contestants how to eat more healthily. Do a better job than Curtis by marinating chicken in a bit of lemon juice and throwing it on top of some lettuce every time you make a meal, seeing as that’s all he does but in a more time-consuming way anyhow.
And there it is, folks- how to recreate Biggest Loser USA in your own home. Don’t weight, try it today! And other puns.