I’ve been a long-time supporter of mocking ‘How I Met Your Mother’, ever since the series 2 finale in which it became apparent that the programme is not a fleeting tale of love in the Big Apple but instead, a fucking snore-fest desperately trying to make ‘fetch’ happen. Gretchen- it’s not going to happen.
If I was to meet Ted in the street, I would gleefully stab him to death with that yellow umbrella they dangle in front of us like a begging dog.
The only reason why I’m currently still watching was because I heard that Jason Segal, who plays Marshall, wanted to leave (who could blame him?) and I was hoping they’d kill him off. Slowly.
And before you think I’m a fussy viewer, let me tell you that I can’t wait for the launch of TLC tomorrow so that I can re-watch all of the first series of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, seeing as watching it on Youtube the first time round was difficult for me because I kept getting distracted by advertised clips for ‘Proof that Finchel is the Best Glee Couple Ever’ and ‘Mario Lopez Salsa Dancing’. In short, I’m too much of a moron to be fussy.
Anyways, here’s my top tips for surviving through an episode of ‘How I Met Your Mother’:
Preparing for the Inevitable
Ted will not meet the mother in this episode. Brief yourself with that information before watching, because it’s never going to fucking happen.
Laughing at the Name ‘Cobie Smulders’
Get your kicks where you can. ‘Cobie’ and ‘Smulders’ are terrible names just as they stand, but added together is enough for you to muster up a small laugh that also doubles-up as a nasal exhale. Thanks for that, Cobie Smulders.
Watching the Demise of Jason Segel
One of the only things that makes watching repeats of ‘How I Met Your Mother’ bearable is enjoying the uglification of Marshall. Bet you never noticed it before- well, now you fucking will. Its all I can think about when he drags his motherfucking tired skank ass all over that clearly-fake New York City set. It’s kind of like when you know a female lead just had a baby in real life and is still carrying the baby weight, but what the fuck is Jason Segel’s excuse? What was he carrying, massive twins that he had to have delivered by someone who accidentally shaved his hair into the same style as Ted from Scrubs? Fuck sake.
Ted Mosby vs Ted Bundy
Spending the episode laughing at online wankers who post on the ‘How I Met Your Mother’ will certainly make the 23-minutes of hell plus 7 minutes of slightly-less-hellish Wink Bingo and Tena Lady advertisements go a little bit faster. My favourite HIMYM-related past time is going on to the ‘I Love Ted’ sub-forum and making comparisons between Ted Mosby and his bad-boy serial killer namesake, Ted Bundy. People get really pissed off when you suggest that Ted met the mother when she was being beheaded by him for his corpse-basement collection.
Turn Off the TV
And don’t worry, because you aren’t going to miss a thing. Well, aside from Ted living out the lyrics of ‘Haven’t Met You Yet’ by Michael Buble in the shittest sense that this concept could possibly achieve, and meeting the mother in the end who is sure to be played by someone equally as bland as the rest of the cast (Neil Patrick Harris included, who loses maximum cool-points for being in a relationship with David Burtka and is, therefore, annoying by association). My guess is Malin Akerman.
But I’m going to tell the ‘I Love Ted’ forumites that I bet Ted’s other half is the character that plays Ted’s daughter, who is actually sitting in his sex dungeon listening to the tale of how Ted met her own mother and told her that he was holding her daughter captive and forcing her to carry his children against her will as part of the sequel, ‘How I Strangled Your Mother Before She Could Go To The Police’. Just to give them something to complain about.