Category Archives: achievement

How To Live Your Dream

‘Living the dream’ is one of life’s ultimate goals, long presumed to be enjoyed by a chosen few. When we talk about making dreams a reality, most are likely to be of the mindset that achieving one’s dreams is an unrealistic fantasy or an unattainable goal, so what’s the point in trying, right?

WRONG. Look around you- everything you see has been conceptualised by someone who lived their dreams and stuck it to the naysayers. Every day, people achieve dreams and goals despite having odds stacked against them, not to mention living in a world where most believe that nothing is possible.

So, with that in mind- what’s to stop you achieving your dreams? Here’s a few ways in which you can make it happen.

Denial

A very quick and easy route on the road to living the dream is to consume a big plate of fucking denial. It’s simple- just start being one of those crazy, deluded people on Jeremy Kyle who doesn’t seem to notice that the world is rolling their eyes at them. And you don’t see anyone on Jeremy Kyle realising they live the life of a depressing scumbag- thank you, denial. In fact, Jeremy Kyle people seem to comprise their own mini-society with much lower standards than the rest of the world. You’d be like their fucking king.

Downgrade Your Dreams

Let’s face it- dreams are pretty hard work, not to mention having no guarantee that all that hard work is going to pay off. But if you downgraded those dreams to something more realistic then you wouldn’t have to work as hard and you’d probably still achieve your goals. For example, wanting to be a famous popstar is going to take years of hard work, talent, luck, expense and risk. But, if you downgraded your dreams to say, being a singer in your local old folks’ home, then you’d probably be able to achieve your dreams right now without even breaking a nail. And I bet Katy Perry doesn’t have access to a fuckload of prescription drugs and a mobility scooter like you will. Well, she probably does- but FUCK HER and her stupid blue hair.

Piss On The Parades Of Others

The problem with other bastards living their dreams is that they stretch the invisible barrier of happiness, thus creating more space between themselves and you, at the other end of the spectrum- sitting alone and smoking while giving someone the fingers. Therefore, if you could piss on their parade by being insulting and rude about the achievements of others, then they’d be less happy, which makes you less unhappy by comparison. Let’s face it, happy bastards keep hogging all the happiness anyway- someone needs to put those bastards in their place. Anyone up for setting someone’s car on fire?

Die Before You Fly

Ever heard of the phrase ‘fake it ’til you make it’? Yeah, well, this is the death version of that. Lots of people, like Kurt Cobain and Heath Ledger, passed away before their time, leaving behind an implied legacy of endless talent. However, look at Michael Jackson– all he left behind was an uncomplimentary nickname and involuntary familial trip to the Jobcentre- if he had’ve died a few decades earlier, things would have been much better for his image. Don’t wait until you’ve lived that disappointing existence that you know in your heart is inevitable- die now and get yourself a free pass to assumed brilliance. Of course, I’m not suggesting that you kill yourself. Just fake your death and have that much needed ‘me-time’ that you keep promising yourself. Hello, trip to a fish spa with that voucher you bought on Groupon!

Put It Off Until You Can Be Arsed

Putting off your dreams until you can be arsed, otherwise known as a ‘New Years’ Resolution’ is an excellent way to delude yourself that the misery you live in won’t eventually swallow you whole, while being able to sit about now and play your X-Box or watch the entire back catalogue of Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo on Youtube (I’ve watched it all and have become very worried that the pregnant teenager is carrying her mother’s boyfriend’s baby). Just keep telling yourself that you’ll do something about those pesky dreams later on in life, and spend the time you have now praying that you either win the lottery/get horrifically mangled in an accident and sue whomever is responsible for your injuries/get struck by lightning and die.

Stop Making Excuses And Go For It

Only joking.

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Prick of the Week: The Job Market

This won’t come as a shock to many of you, but the current job market is, to say the least, a tad depressing.

Sadly, the days of enthusiastically applying for a job, getting invited to a civilised interview, being offered the job and then climbing the career ladder are long gone. However, if you like zany questioning techniques, arsy interviewers, depressing jobs, smooching sphincter and minimum wage, you are likely to be loving life.

Even when sourcing jobs, the only companies with lots of vacancies are the organisational equivalent to the kid in school who picked their nose and ate it, and then had their parents up to the Principal every five minutes to ask why they had no friends, i.e. a total prick.

Prickish companies are currently the ones hassling old women into reclaiming mis-sold PPI (which you can do, in exchange for your soul, for minimum wage- Apply today! Free noose with every application!), payday loan suppliers (‘Drug dealer about to kick your door down and scalp your arse dry unless you can reimburse him for that cocaine? Apply today, and use discount code ‘Force25’ for 25% the level of force we will use to beat you to a pulp when you default on the repayments- which you will!’), debt collection agencies (‘Debts piling up with no way out? Well then, we’ll take your other stuff instead, and break your legs for the inconvenience of illiquidity. Cheerio.’) and the fast food industry (any company that makes people wear a novelty hat as part of their uniform deserves to go bust).

And these are the sort of jobs that people are considered lucky to be offered. But that’s after a series of rigorous and demeaning interviews filled with nonsensical processes, such as competency based questions, like, ‘Tell me about a time when you went above and beyond the call of duty in your previous role’ (Honest answer: Never, I am a mediocre employee. Interview Answer: I delivered my heavily pregnant boss’s child while still achieving my sales targets and saving everyone in the office from a fire, which isn’t true, but the reference I supplied you for my boss is actually going to be my drunk friend putting on her very best office voice, and she’ll verify my story).

Sadly, competency based questions are the best of a bad bunch. You might have to endure the embarrassment of a role play scenario in which the interviewer does an impression of a disgruntled client on the phone, to which you have to react to as if you worked there (Honest answer: I usually blame a co-worker and then cry, pretending my dog died that morning. Interview Answer: I’d sort it out efficiently, because repeat business and word-of-mouth is a cost-effective way to achieve growth, blah blah). I bet when you did the role play you made a fake phone shape with your right hand, you berk.

And what if, after all this shite, you get the bloody job and you have to actually start harassing people to sue their employer for a work-related injury as they could be entitled to compensation? That’s where the real fun begins; hoping a bus hits you on your way to work, praying a distant relative dies just so you can have a few hours off to pretend to go to their funeral, weeping on Sunday nights, developing a drinking problem and resenting your dependants for inadvertently making you arse-lick corporate scumbags. Bastards.

So this is why I’m nominating the current job market for Prick of the Week– it’s making lots of people miserable, stressed and unhappy, and until the economy recovers, it isn’t likely to change. But you can. Next time you hate your job, or you’re fucking sick to the back teeth of combing through depressing job vacancies, take it out on someone who caused this by sending a turd in a box to any major banking institution, get your granny to beat a politician with her handbag (old women never get arrested), or compensate yourself with a pay rise by stealing from your employer.

Job market- You are a prick.

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8 Simple Rules For Building Your Confidence

Confidence is a valuable asset to aid progression in professional, social and personal scenarios. It enables a person to effectively have their opinion heard and respected, without offense or defence, while eliminating the elements of second-guessing or misinterpretation of passivity, or the potential to be hurt or bewildered by aggression.

I, like most, wasn’t born with the ability to be confident and assertive; in earlier life, I tended to lean toward passive behaviour, passive aggressive when pushed, and find it difficult to deal with my aggressive counterparts. But with a little training and practice, we can all obtain the confidence that we need to get through this miserable existence until death.

Following the tips below will help you on your path to higher confidence and an increased ability to be assertive, helping you to lead a happier, more productive life.

 

Know Your Rights

Having an over-inflated sense of self affords you an exaggerated sense of self-entitlement. If anyone gets more than you, argue pettily and bitterly until you are remunerated, even if you had no desire to obtain what the other person got. In order to get yourself adequately riled, read The Sun or equivalent tabloid for morons, and allow yourself to be tricked into believing the sensationalised stories about benefit fraud and immigration. Wonder how the abuse of such systems will affect you, and start a fucking riot with other vandals and wankers. Make sure you start all your sentences with ‘I’m not racist but (insert racism here)’. That means it’s not racist or offensive.

Work On Your Appearance

Appearing confident begins with looking confident. Force yourself to watch a whole episode of Gok Wan’s ‘Dress Your Bangers and On-Trend Self Thin With Spanx and Stupid Blazers, Girlfriend’ or whatever- try not to kill yourself during this process. Feebily head to Marks and Spencers to buy the outfit that Gok told you to buy because the media said so. Wear outfit even though it looks ridiculous and put the thought that dressing to impress is fucking futile, you’ve either got it or you haven’t, to the back of your head. And walk out that door with a new found confidence to give the world the finger.

 

Be Calm

Confidence is relayed from those who appear calm and controlled, no matter how daunting the situation is. Emulate calmness by constantly doing an impression of the telephone woman who says ‘The number you have dialled has not been recognised’– she sounds like she has her shit together. Now you’ve got the right voice, get a demeanor to match by taking a fuckload of sleeping tablets washed down with copious amounts of energy stimulant to keep you awake, but zombie-like. Hey presto, cool as a cucumber!

 

Know Yourself

Get to know ‘You’– what are your hopes and dreams? Likes and dislikes? Abilities? Knowing yourself will help you to speak up and relay yourself to others. However, there are so many people in the world nowadays that you are probably very similar to someone else, and thus, save yourself some time and just pick someone to copy. If you are female, you’ll probably want to be Kim Kardashian, so just slather yourself in bullshit, mis-use the word ‘literally’ (e.g. I was literally just abducted by aliens, literally literally literally) and complain at length about your lack of privacy while selling your life to the highest bidder. If you are male, you are less fortunate as you only have Justin Bieber, Jeremy Clarkson or James Cordon to choose from. And with death not being an option, shit one.

 

Speak Your Mind

Speaking your mind is a great way to justify being a total bastard to someone, because you can always just blame the fact that you’re ‘keeping it real’, when in fact, it is much kinder to live and let live. Therefore, making yourself feel better by pointing out someone else’s excessive armpit fat or muffin top also makes you a better person, your friend’s divorce was inevitable because she is a failure and your lack of enthusiasm for someone else’s dreams is just a way of protecting them against making a shambles out of their life because they’re too stupid to succeed. Definately. Hashtag just sayin’.

 

Learn To Say ‘No’

The art of saying ‘no‘ is difficult to master, but is ultimately advantageous in allowing you to say ‘yes’ to the things you really want to do, or have time for. The trick is to become really unapproachable and cagey, so that no-one ever wants to ask you anything or even go near you, for fear of you biting their head off. In addition to making a mountain out of a molehill when anyone requests five minutes of your time, remind them that they’ve troubled you by sighing loudly throughout, rolling your eyes and updating your Facebook status to ‘Hate when dickheads can’t take the hint’. When confronted, say ‘I’m sorry…. that you’re so sensitive.’ It’s their fault for being them.

 

Stop Thinking The Grass Is Always Greener

Overvaluing the lives and experiences of others’ is a surefire way to lower your own self-esteem, adversely affecting your confidence. Train your mind to see that the grass isn’t always greener by belittling the achievements of others’, preferably on a public domain where your opinion may influence others. If you are unsure of where to begin, consult any magazine geared towards women, and see how they dissect the lives of celebrities by circling atom-size celulite patches and pointing out coldsores. Then put this into practice in the real world. If someone is richer than you, start a rumour that their house has a weird smelly-house smell. If someone has a better job, point out to them that they possess this at the expense of family time by getting their toddlers hooked on crack. And if anyone dares to outshine you in the looks department, sell your story to the Daily Mail that they are a jealous whore, and when you provoke a public outcry, sell another story to the Daily Mail entitled, ‘See? See?!? I Fucking Told You I Was Better. By Samantha Brick’.

 

Fake It ‘Til You Make It

Acquiring confidence and the ability to be assertive takes time and constant effort. So, if you are only beginning to put the above legimate and totally serious tips into practice, chances are that you still don’t feel totally confident. Therefore, pretending you’re confident will help to alleviate feelings of doubt and insecurity. This can be achieved by saying things like ‘swag’, even though no-one really knows what the fuck is happening. If you’re female, you might want to suffix your sentences with ‘snappy fingers’ for extra pizazz and to distract people from the fact that you’ve spent all afternoon crying about your life. Men can achieve this by getting a derogatory statement about women shaved into the back of their head, for example ‘Bitches’ or ‘Hoes’.

And knock ’em dead, dolls! Literally.

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How To Snag A Man If You Have Low Self-Esteem

Having a low opinion of oneself makes any task difficult, but trying to get someone to love you when you don’t particularly love yourself is a losing battle. However, when you find that special someone, they can show you how to accept yourself as you are, helping you to overcome those feelings of low self-esteem. And just because you’re so darn great, I’m going to give you a few tips to meet Mr Right and say goodnight to feeling shite (this was the best I could do).

Yes, that’s right ladies- just because you have low self-esteem due to hating yourself doesn’t mean you have to lose out on meeting a man, settling down and spending the rest of your motherfucking life cleaning up after him. Here’s how you can snag a man, even if you think you’re worthless and hideous.

Looking Great, Feeling Great

People who say that looks don’t matter are lying to themselves- looks are everything because people are shallow as shit. Disguise your low self-esteem, ugly face and lack of confidence by wearing make-up by the trowel. If you have a credit card, head to your nearest Mac counter and have a sales assistant with a superiority complex tell you that your face disgusts her, and how buying £300 worth of eyeshadow will make you instantly appealing. If you’re poor like me and your credit card is reserved for essentials like playing Wink Bingo online and adding to your Mork and Mindy Memorial Plate collection, go to Superdrug and see what’s on sale, and buy that. It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t suit your skintone; by the time you’re done beautifying yourself, you won’t know if you’re black or white.

If you are unsure of how much make-up to wear, google the word ‘Snooki‘, click on Images, and double the amount she wears.

While we are on the subject of natual beauty, it would be advisable to do something about your ridiculous hair. Delightfully, my hair is a torturous bastard and likes to fashion itself into a big ball of frizz, no matter what I do to it. I like to counteract this by frazzelling it under heated plates. This is sustainable, and my hair is not going to fall out in like, a week.

Finally, peruse the Ann Summers sale rack to find yourself a nice outfit to complete the elegant new you. You want your look to say ‘I’m a streetwalker, but not the kind that you can strangle and leave for dead after intercourse, because they’ll send a search party for me and you’ll go to jail.’ That way, potential suitors know you are a lady of class.

Being Seen At The Right Scene

Now that you’ve got the right look, you will need to start frequenting places where you are likely to find the right type of man. Any bar that is affiliated with a religious community that has a bitter history with other religious communities and lots of antsy patrons looking for a fight, or has ‘Legion’ or ‘Strip’ in the title, is usually a winner. However, if you want to steer clear of men who drink, then beat you, then promise to never do it again, then drink, then beat you, etc., then you could always go to loser gatherings for asexual beings singles mixers at your local church to find a man who is teetotal. He might still beat you, though. And cry a lot.

Of course, I’m only joking. Not all single men are secret abusers waiting to pounce; most men are decent and just want to see you happy- while cooking their dinner, washing their clothes and generally being an unpaid slave. Relationships are great, and having a connection that surpasses physical attraction and human decency, to the extent that your partner is comfortable enough to accidentally shit themselves while farting in your presence, creates a bond that no-one can tear asunder. Sharting- marriage, for the undercarriage.

The truth is, meeting a man you like happens when you least expect it, which is why you should just get on with your life and he will enter when he’s ready. That’s what she said. Creep out male collegues while assuming,deludedly, that they fancy you by laughing like a crazy person at jokes they made that weren’t even funny, stare at men stalkerishly on the bus and step over the ‘line of appropriateness’ by flirting with your friends’ partners. This is good advice.

Acting Like A Lady

In my experience, in addition to favouring women who look like whores, men love the ‘modern day gal’, keen to break the oppressive stereotypes of her 1950s counterpart. I like to attract men by showing them that I can eat a whole KFC Bargain Bucket on my own and how disgusting and sloppy I am when drunk by rolling around the floor and generally being a nuisance to our entire party, all surrounding parties and the people on their Twitter account(s), as they will be giving them a running commentary of said rolling and nuisance-being, with updates such as ‘Holy shiz, clean up on aisle four #drunkbitchesonparade’, ‘Dis drunk slut is depriving a village of an idiot. I love One Direction #burn’ and ‘Justin Bieber is my imaginary boyfriend and some insult about a woman who can’t handle her drink #genericpopculturereference’. Men definately want to date me.

However, that’s not say that men don’t appreciate a bit of femininity, too. Simple touches, like drinking your pint with a straw, not making it obvious when you are removing your knicks from your arse crack and not blowing your burps into his face to watch him contort in horror at the stench, tell your prospective partner that you are one refined bitch. Make sure you pick all remnants of onion ring out of your teeth and you are wearing suitable camel-toe covering attire. Men love that shit.

You’ve Snagged Him, What Next?

And after you’ve snagged that man, how does the modern day gal have time to keep him interested? As your typical gal-about town, juggling a hectic schedule- I’ll level with you. In between watching clips of dogs on skateboards on Youtube, crying myself to sleep and writing Desperate Housewives fan fiction- not to mention trying to fit in all of my whining- it’s tough. I’m one busy lady. But finding mutual happiness in the little things helps- such as cooking him a special dinner that I’ve secretly spat in, avoiding going home because we can’t stand the sight of each other and crushing sleeping tablets into his tea so he won’t have the energy to speak to me. We somehow make it work, and it’s so worth it*.

But it really depends on what works for your relationship. Some people choose to have endless affairs to escape the reality that they fucking hate their life, others do drugs and some people just get the fuck on to a plane one day and never come back.

Relationships are great, aren’t they?

*It’s not worth it.

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Relaxed Achievement: Getting There and Staying There

Achieving a relaxed state is, ironically, a stressful and difficult process for much of us. With modern technology scooping up any free time, making us more accessible to the outside world and extracting the privacy from our not-so-aptly named private lives- not to mention longer working hours, higher societal demands of performance, appearance and achievement- we are busier and more stressed than the generations before us. Yes, they had it tougher, but our generation is surprisingly whingy.

Not everyone is like this. I live with a man who is more zen-like than Dhalsim from Street Fighter. Stress doesn’t even get near him because his extra long arms and legs just smack it out of the way. Bastard. Shifty priest-bag (sorry, I’m doing my best to give up swearing. As it turns out, it covered up my inability to effectively insult people- drat).

I am, on the other hand, a ball of stress. Seriously, I am a little stresticle hanging limply from Mother Earth (who was a dude in this analogy), wondering if that lump is benign or cancerous. Maybe I should get it checked out. But I’m shitting myself too much to go to the Doctor. Fuckkkkkk. Gosh, darn it, Betty White. Oh god, I really need to curse.

Anyway, because it takes me a while to relax, I know that I have to make a conscious effort to de-stress and achieve relaxation*, whilst still maintaining my daily goals and duties. Here’s how to do it in five delightfully easy steps.

Numero Uno: GOAL IDENTIFICATION

Firstly, to enable relaxation, I must identify the things I want in life. What are my goals and how do I get there? If, like me, you hate yourself and think you are inadequate on every level, this stage is an opportunity for you to commit to completely changing your personality and tossing your old life aside like the sack of crap it is. From the offset, I like to set myself up for failure, and usually decide that as of tomorrow, I am going to ‘be perfect’. Nothing specific, just better and less of a shitty (I’ve heard the word ‘shitty’ on daytime TV before, folks, so it’s staying), disappointing failure. My idea of ‘being perfect’ is achieved by being more productive, thinner, more sassy (not like Fran Drescher), dressing better, being less weak, doing better than I’m doing at everything and generally being less of the crappy mess that I am. But this process also works for other unsustainable and generally doomed-to-failure expectations, such as ‘Cutting Out Carbs’, ‘Training For A Marathon In Twelve Days’, ‘Not Drinking Alcohol For As Long As I Live’ or ‘Fucking Vigorously Disposing of The Cigarettes In The Bin On A Whim And Giving Up For Good’.

In order to be better, you must say goodbye to your old lifestyle in an appropriate and healthy way. No, not by disposing of your old vices and getting a good night’s sleep in preparation for your new life, silly! By overdosing until you’re close to vomitting. If, as of tomorrow, you are no longer smoking cigarettes, smoke as much as possible as a ta-ta to the old you. Smoke twenty cigarette at a time. Smoke your sofa. Your lungs know you’re stopping tomorrow- they don’t mind and know not to get cancer anymore in lieu of stopping for good tomorrow. This is true.

Numero Dos: OPTIMISM

Start off the process with the blind optimism of someone who joins Weightwatchers on New Year’s Day, or Monday thereafter. Deprive yourself massively, you can do it! Change is easy. Push yourself to the brink of tears, and don’t allow yourself any slip-ups. Feel the burn, motherfucker friend.

Remember to optimistically update your Facebook with details of how you are now better than everyone else, usually via the use of inspirational song lyrics. I am rooting for you, serial self-improver. You definately won’t quit this in like, a day.

At this stage, seeing as I usually try ‘being perfect’, I choose to ignore that perfection is unachievable. I do not acknowledge that I have never managed to really achieve any of the individual components of perfection before, let alone them all at once. And here I am, at the gym at 11 p.m. because it’s the only time I’m free to go because I’m busy what with ‘being perfect’ every other waking hour. And some hours that should be allocated for sleep. But this is great, I love the new me. She is so much better than old, ball-sack bastardface inadequate me of yesterday.

If weight loss via starvation is your achievement of choice, then at this stage I would recommend making your diet as unsustainable as possible by just generally being starving and weak all day. Don’t even dream of exercising so that you eat a bit more and feel better. Don’t implement any measures that might make your starvation more bearable, such as a ‘cheat day’ or healthy snacks. Remember that celebrating the small achievements will give you a sense of accomplishment and as such, help to spur you on. Therefore, do not celebrate the small accomplishments. I can’t believe you even let yourself get this out of shape. You don’t have accomplishments, just entities that partially rectify past failures. Focus on those past failures rather than current successes, you twat.

This type of punishing inner dialogue is an excellent source of discontent, spurring you on to keep going even though you are exhausted, weak and miserable. Keep it up!

Numero erm… Tri…o: INSOMNIA

At this point, I am usually pushing myself to the point of exhaustion, but am too stubborn to admit to anyone and keep telling everyone that ‘I love the new me’. Due to my relentless schedule and inability to stop trying to ‘be perfect’ because there is always room for self improvement, not to mention the fact that my body and mind have got used to running on empty, I usually suffer a bout of insomnia. In true ‘being perfect’ style, do I take some sleeping tablets and declutter my life so that I nip my insomnia in the bud? Do I fuck- I use my sleepless nights to carry out the joyless tasks that there weren’t enough hours for me to do during the day. I chuckle superiorly to myself thinking about how much of a non-chump I am by not needing sleep, while typing up my novel entitled ‘Fuck Everyone Who Is Sleeping’, and sinking slowly into insanity.

(Fuck it, the cursing is all I have- no more clean-living charade.)

Numero Quatro, muthafucka: DENIAL

At this stage, loved ones will try to intervene because they are ‘worried about you’. Don’t believe it- it’s just jealousy and lies because they can’t see anyone else be happy. Bunch of bastards.

Everything is going great and you definately aren’t about to burst at the seams and kill yourself or others. This feeling of utter despair is just a test to see how strong you are. You are a shell of your former self and have begun living nocturnally, and it’s likely to that you are a danger to society, but apart from that, you are doing great and everything is fine.

Start living as a recluse.

Numero Five-o: RELAXATION

Have a mental breakdown and go to hospital. Start to wise the fuck up to yourself and realise you may as well be dead if you keep living like this. At this point, I start to binge on all the things I’ve deprived myself through the pursuit of achievement, such as food, alcohol and love. I go out and get pissed and lie in a gutter, happy as a pig in shit on the outside, disgusted and damaged on the inside. I usually do this for about two weeks, until self-loathing starts to creep in. So, there you have it- non-deranged, unabusive, contented relaxation**. Fair enough, you’ve regressed back to a childlike state, and your mother is very worried, but whatevs. At least she’s making you some soup while you watch the TV. This is the life!

*Method cited may not actually provoke relaxation.

**’Relaxation’, in this context, refers to ‘Nervous Breakdown’.

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