Category Archives: alcohol abuse

How to Get Bikini Ready Right Now!

 

Many people ask me, ‘How do you stay in such great shape?‘ to which I always reply, ‘Should I make this cheque out to cash, or…?’.

Yes, that’s right, ladies; if this blanket of grey mizzle ever lifts, bikini season will be just around the corner! And that means it’s time to start preparing for those lazy days on the beach. And by lazy, I mean stressful and miserable as you’ll probably spend the entire run up to summer in an endless cycle of crying and exercising.

But it doesn’t have to be a depressing and laborious misery fest. Here are five ways in which you can get a better bikini body with very little effort, and bid farewell to sucking in your stomach, dusting sand out of your spare tyre and going into the water to hide, which can lead to being potentially eaten by a shark, or being raped by a merman. You don’t want that, do you? So, read my tips.

 

Start a revolution

Thanks to brainwashing tactics that have been employed by our government for many generations, the general public are unaware that they are always being told what to think. If you don’t believe me, I would like to point out that, deep down, you are a tiny bit prejudiced. Even if, like me, you were raised as liberal, you have prejudices that are inbred through years and years of being told that anyone that is different to you is a threat. Our government did that. If you still don’t see my point- five words: My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. You watched that atop your high horse and secretly sneered, didn’t you?

Anyway, start a revolution by being like, ‘I don’t give a shit about no man, that’s right Lawd Jesus’ and doing snappy fingers (as explained here), then others are likely to follow suit and be all like, ‘Mmm-hmmm, I’m handling my shit and don’t give a ish’. Attitudes like this are usually picked up by masses of defensive, paranoid women. Eventually even uptight white women like myself will be joining in from afar, doing snappy fingers too and saying ‘I’m a strong white women and I’ll be damned if my man be all up in my bidness about my lumps’. See, I told you, we all have our prejudices.

Buy a cleverly designed ab-smock

A time-efficient way to obtain the abs, arse and thighs of a young starlet when you’re more ‘old harlot’ is to fake it ’til you make it and buy yourself a nice novelty apron with a cartoon muscle man or beach babe on it.

No-one will know it isn’t your body because they’re dead convincing. This apron will also double up as a hilarious conversation starter for vapid morons who still find The Simpsons and David Walliams funny.

 

Mince about with older, saggier and weightier counterparts

And watch yourself look better by comparison. Yes, this sounds cruel, but people like Vanessa Feltz and the entire cast of Loose Women would be friendless otherwise, for they were hardly made in God’s image. Making friends with women who are less of a ‘ten’ than you are effectively makes you the Queen Bee, even if you, too, have a face for radio and a body for rodeo. Every time someone has the misfortune of taking a photo of you bunch of ugly shrews together, that picture encapsulates a scale; this scale affixes the ugliest friend at the bottom and the prettiest (by default) friend at the top, which would be your good self, if you play your cards right. Hey presto: you’re the best of a bad bunch.

 

Start drinking plenty of fluids

Keeping your system ‘flushed out’ as whichever horrible ‘curvy’ Z-list celebrity who is currently the face of Activia (most likely either Martine ‘Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing’ McCutcheon or Claire ‘Eternal Menopause’ Sweeney) would say, is great for something, but to be honest, no one really knows what because we’re all too busy nodding along like chimps. Anyway, my fluid of choice is vodka, but I’m not fussy and whatever you have in the fridge will do. Drinking fluids like vodka, whisky and wine makes me look a lot better in the mirror, even when I’m crying and I don’t quite know why- I just get back on the kitchen table and dance like effing J-Lo. Drunk girls like this are the epitome of self-esteem.

And finally- stop caring

Ceasing to let the demands of society, the media and other shallow buffoons make you feel negatively about your, quite frankly, miraculous existence is the best move you’ll ever make for yourself. Have another bit of cake and stop worrying about it. And if anyone wants to tell you otherwise- myself, Martine McCutcheon, Vanessa Feltz and the cast of Loose Women will be round to glass that mother*.

*I just made that bit up about the cast of Loose Women, Vanessa Feltz and Martine McCutcheon. The only way they’ll be showing up is if you’re having a party and the theme is ‘Bitching about Anthea Turner while eating Macaroons’. Otherwise, it’ll just be me on my own, and I’ll probably just be in the corner crying and swinging a broken bottle. Thug life.

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Snooki Pregnant- What’s Next For The Jersey Whore?

Glamorous and not-at-all insulting to femalekind pickle-enthusiast, Nicole Polizzi, a.k.a. Snooki, is knocked up. Sorry, ‘pregnant’. I keep forgetting that she’s a human being with feelings. Maybe.

It has been reported that Snooki is ecstatic to be ‘with child’ and if a girl, she will be named ‘Absynthia‘. If she is carrying a boy, Snooki hopes to call it ‘The Contraception’. While this name appears to pay homage to fellow Jersey Shore misfit and future rehab roomie, The Situation, Snooki has confirmed that it is actually an acronym, compiled with the initial letter of each potential father.

Snooki hopes that the baby is a boy, due to future career opportunities available, in which she and The Contraception can tour America’s country clubs together. She and The Contraception (who is an adult as this stage…. probably. But possibly not.) can pretend to be embroiled in a torrid cougar-style love affair while scamming bored housewives out of their money.

But that’s not to say Snooki wouldn’t be delighted if she had a daughter. Not only does Snooki yearn for an heir to inherit her array of $5 crotchless dresses, fuckload of neon flip flops and plentiful collection of grafitti-print lesbian-style trucker hats, she also dreams of the day she gets to teach her child how to pole dance for the MTV cameras.

And how will the young (in mental age) mother cope balancing a busy career of drinking until she pukes while putting on a whiny baby voice and hitting Pauly D with various inflatables and being a mother (theoretically)? Simple- little Abcynthia/The Contraception has already signed a contract for the next series of Jersey Shore, named ‘Jersey Shore- Whoops I Forgot To Take My Pill’. MTV producers are very excited about up-and-coming storylines, including an episode in which the baby wins fourteen consecutive games of Scrabble against the rest of the cast, the baby stays sober to look after the rest of the cast on a night out, and The Situation gets stabbed right in his stupid-steroidy face. Which has nothing to do with the baby, but wouldn’t it be nice?

Here’s wishing mother-to-be, Snooki, the best of luck in her journey. And more so to her baby, who should be quaking in age-inappropriate boots. Fist pump!

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