Category Archives: Alcoholic

Where Are They Now… The Cast of Sex and the City

It seems like eons since Sex and the City graced our TV screens, but that’s only because since the series ended, we’ve been subjected to two Sex and the City films that were so bad they altered the speed of time.

At the time of it’s conception, Sex and the City was considered revolutionary- for the first time, women were being depicted as in control, unapologetic for being sexually adventurous and disinterested in the ‘fairytale ending’ hoped for by the majority of female protagonists before them. Which is why they all ended up in committed relationships when the series ended. Funny that.

But where are the beloved stars of Sex and the City today? After extensive research, here’s an update on the four women that you, at some point, have asked yourself, ‘What the fuck does he see in her?’ about.

Sarah Jessica Parker (Carrie Bradshaw)

After being the muse for many individuals opting for a life of celebacy following her portrayal of whiny woman-child, Carrie Bradshaw, Sarah Jessica took a sabbatical from acting to focus on being papped while doing artsy things and pretending she was a bit bohemian when really she’s just a pain in the arse. When studies suggested that upper middle class, white women who need to be applauded for raising a child that they are responsible for with the help of a nanny were under-represented in cinema today, SJP made her comeback in I Don’t Know How She Does It. The film was given rave reviews worldwide, especially in Zimbabwe where many locals agreed that, even though 20% of the country’s population is suffering with AIDs and life expectancy averages 35, American women who juggle a highly-paid job, a rich husband and a well-behaved child are ‘miracle workers’. ‘I don’t know how she does it!‘ laughed one local, who was on her way to bury her 28 year old grandmother. Keep flying the flag, Sarah Jessica!

Cynthia Nixon (Miranda Hobbes)

Down-to-earth Miranda was the least glamorous of the group and with her intolerance for bullshit, it’s surprising that her character didn’t tell the others to ‘fuck off and stop creating problems’ throughout the show’s span. However, due to the prevalence of offence taken by women when they are compared to Miranda by their friends, Cynthia Nixon now travels the world as a public speaker for the charity, Women Against Being Like Miranda, in which she delivers motivational seminars on fighting the urge to adopt a cat, the art of settling for a partner just so you don’t feel lonely, and the merits of dressing femininely even though it makes you feel like a ‘whore’.

Kristen Davis (Charlotte York)

Serial desperado, Charlotte, was an optimistic romantic, and arguably the person whom most would pick if you had to spend the rest of your life on a desert island with one of the characters from Sex and the City, death not being an option. Many fans were shocked when it emerged during Sex and the City’s heyday that Kristen is a recovering alcoholic, as she adopts a ‘good girl’ image. However, while Kristen can’t enjoy a tipple anymore, she still likes to spend time with her alcoholic friends and continues to enjoy many of the activities that they did while drinking. ‘I don’t limit myself to things just because I’ve stopped drinking’, says the raven haired beauty, ‘I still like to sit for days on park benches slurring abuse at families, I love to spend my Saturdays stashing mini-bottles of vodka all over my house and I’ve been known to drop by at a family wedding or two just to heckle the bride and groom, then piss myself in a corner at the reception.‘ A gal after our own heart!

Kim Cattrall (Samantha Jones)

Walking STD, Samantha Jones, represents self-elected strong, independant women everywhere who don’t realise the irony in using sex to validate themselves. In reality, Kim Cattrall capitalised massively on her character’s tri-sexuality, writing a ‘how-to’ sex book with her then husband, Sleazy McRapistpants, after which they seperated, possibly due to smugness. Since then, Kim has made no secret of her ‘black sheep’ status of the group, saying, ‘I’m the sort of person people cross the street to avoid, and I’m still more likeable than those other three bitches’. Currently, Kim is rumoured to be set to star in the sequel to her 80’s hit, Mannequin. Mannequin 2: An Oldie But A Goodie, depicts the tale of a lonely bloomer mannequin in an underwear shop for ‘mature’ women who gets molested by an ageing stockboy suffering from a shy bladder. Sounds like it’ll be a blockbuster!

For these gals, the sky is the limit. Yes.

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