Category Archives: Celebrities

How To Live It Up Like Kerry Katona

Graceful as a gazelle.

Graceful as a gazelle.

Glorified prostitute and big messy embarrassment, Kerry Katona, is the darling of daytime TV, the belle of banal bollocks and the mare of the menopausal magazines. In short, she’s the human equivalent of a cigarette butt being flicked into an empty tin of lager.

But why does she feature in so many of my posts? Because she’s so fucking irritating.

Irritatingly brilliant.

To be fair, I’m clearly just jealous of her hilarious wit, her glamorous life, her presence ont’ Freeview channels and her general chippy-chips existence. I want to be Kerry Katona. And I suspect all your gals out there are just pishing yourself to be just like her, too. Yep.

So here’s How To Live It Up Like Kerry Katona:

Funky Hair

And by ‘Funky’, I mean the sort of funky that also relates to FunkyPigeon.com. Walk into your nearest ‘airdressah what you know doesn’t ‘ave a clue ‘ow to duair, and just tell them to do what the fuck they like. Kerry’s current ‘do is a short back and sides with a large hair-swan ont’ top, like what Reeannah ‘as. The only different between our Kez and Rihanna is that Rihanna is tall, statuesque and beautiful whereas Kerry is stubby, gobby and out to steal your hubby (sorry, that was the only thing I could think of that rhymed and would denote that Kerry is a slag). Does Kerry give a fuck that her hair makes her look like an extra in Prison Bitches: Jailed for Credit Card Fraud But I didn’t Do It, Mister, I Swear On Me Mam’s Life Edition? Does Kerry care that her hair is in Heat’s Hoop of Horror? Does she fuck. All news is good news, innit.

Inappropriate Dress

Speaking of looking like a slag, no Kerry Katona wannabe worth her weight in cocaine-that’s-pretending-to-be-salt would be without a glamruss dress from t’boutiques in London. Think Herve Leger’s famous bandage dress but made significantly cheaper looking by making it out of coloured cling film and being eight sizes too small, a la Kezza. Our Kerry always teams her shitty dresses with disregard for the mantra, ‘Boobs or legs; never both’ and a fuckload of Wrigley’s Extra. Don’t forget a nice pair of plastic heels and big gobby gob on your big gobby gob.

Incase you missed it, here's that picture again.

Incase you missed it, here’s that picture again.

Online Bingo

Celebrity superstars need their downtime too and in between her glamorous life of posing semi-nude in The Sun and ringing Heat magazine to advise them of pending abortions so they can get their ‘Exclusives’ schedule right, Kerry uses her downtime to play online Bingo, so next time you’re at your lowest ebb and playing online, that person sweatin’ ont’ one number for a full house might just be Kerry Katona. To recreate your own Kerry downtime, treat yourself to a whole sphere of Dairylea Triangles and sit w’ yer feet up ont’ sofa and stick ont’ Telly and Wink/Sun Bingo. While you wait for the next game to start, tweet grammatically incorrect things about how when Bryun left you, it broke your heart and now he don’t even go haffers for t’kiddies private educayshun.

Child Neglect

Speaking of t’kiddies, if you want to live it up like Kerry Katona, you need to employ the sort of child neglect that would have even Miss Hannigan ringing fucking social services. Kerry loves forcing her children to take part in her reality shows, where they appear malnourished, unloved and like a modern-day version of the cast of Oliver. Neglect your children like Kerry by teaching them witty retorts for the cameras, such as ‘Lily-Molly-Bobby-Sue-Tanisha, what does daddy do?’ ‘Fucked off to Australia to shack up with Delta Goodrem and doesn’t pay child support, Mummy’. Of course, Kerry bleeds her I’m-not-gonna-tret-my-kids-what-way-me-mam-tretted-me role drier than Mark Croft drained her bank account, so you also need to play a semi-active role in the upbringing of your kids. Kerry’s suggestions for being a mediocre parent swathed in dillusion include doing t’school run while chain smoking (windows up), dancing around the kitchen to cheer your kids up when they’re crying because you won’t turn t’cameras off and going on This Morning to swear blind on your kids’ lives to Philip Schofield that your off the cocaine now for good.

Word Slurring

Finally, if you want to emulate Kerry Katona in any way then you will most certainly need to master the art of slurring your words whilst maintaining eyes deader than Michael Barrymore’s circa Celebrity Big Brother to present day. To do this, make an appointment with your GP and inform him/her that you are severely depressed and need to be heavily medicated lest you commit suicide. Down a quadruple dose of whatever you’re prescribed and then secure yourself a slot on daytime television by, for example, getting acid thrown in your face by an ex-partner or needing a paternity test, and head straight to the bright lights of fame with your craggy jaw chomping at nothing in particular, serving no purpose other than to make you look like you’re off your head. The key to slurring your words effectively is to never acknowledge that you’re slurring your words and, when questioned about it, say things like ‘Am eh? I didn’t know I were slurrin’ me wurds. This is news to me. Oh, I tell you what it might be, it’s me medicayshun for me bunions, innit. But I carn’t hear it meself. Am I?’

Well, there you have it, Kerry wannabes: five ways in which you can class yourself up to be just like Our Kez: Queen of t’Jungle but also, our hearts. Ish.

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Ten Things You Never Knew About… One Direction

One Direction

X Factor ‘royalty’, One Direction, first exploded on to the music scene when they were deemed not good enough to compete as solo artists on the show and were lumped into the group category with the suspected instructions, ‘Don’t struggle with Louis Walsh, it’s best to just let him finish’. But after that initial scramble, these modern day Sk8r Bois have taken the music industry by storm, miming in iconic concert settings all over the world.

As famous for their exploits as they are their manufactured asexual dronings, everything these boys touch turns to gold. Well, Disney-necklace-exclusive-to-Argos gold. But what do we not know about One Direction? Here’s the scoop:

1. Mickey, Mikey, Mike, Ike and Biffo hail from working class backgrounds in various regions around England and Ireland. When the boys first applied for X Factor, the producers insisted they compete under ‘sexier’ aliases, and renamed the boys Louis, Niall, Harry, Zayn and Liam because they wanted the boys to sound like ‘a special needs class in a modern-day Grange Hill‘.

2. As is customary on X Factor, the boys had to each submit a sob story in order to qualify in the preliminary heats. ‘When I heard that every one of us had a shitting-their-trunks-in-a-public-setting story, I knew it was fate,‘ explains Biffo Liam.

3. Whilst competing in the X Factor, the boys popularised a variety of old songs, giving them an updated twist for their new generation of fans. Such songs included ‘Girl You Know It’s True’ by Milli Vanilli during Mime Week, ‘Gimme More’ by Britney Spears during Singing Along To A Prerecorded Track While Eating Cheesy Wotsits Week, and ‘Backstreet’s Back’ by Backstreet Boys during Arguments In Favour Of Pro-Choice Week.

4. Even though the boys didn’t win the X Factor, they remain firm friends with series winner, Hats McGee, who won with his original mash-up of, ‘When I’m Cleaning Windows/No Way No Way (Manah Manah) Don’t get Fresh With Me’.

One Direction: Dead zany.

One Direction: Dead zany.

5. The boys frequently return to the X Factor stage to perform, where Mickey Harry was rumoured to have had a relationship with Xtra Factor presenter, Caroline Flack. This affair was concocted by X Factor producers and was deliberately outlandish to keep people from guessing that Harry was actually dating Olly Murs.

6. The boys’ love lives are the subject of much speculation but not all of the boys are interested in dating. ‘I’d much prefer to spend my time sewing dresses for my porcelain doll collection,’ laughs Ike Louis.

7. Token minority Mike Zayn, however, has been dating fellow X Factor turd, Perrie from Little Mix, since their record label forced them together for marketing purposes. Sadly, it has been reported this week that Zayn is rumoured to have cheated on Perrie and has been subsequently dumped. Although neither party has confirmed anything, a record label representative has said, ‘Expect to see staged pictures of Zayn in a rehabilitation facility playing guitar on his own wearing a loose fitting linen shirt and hemp bottoms in a future issue of Heat magazine in relation to this issue.’

8. Sadly, the same can be said for Biffo Liam, who split with long term girlfriend Danielle in September 2012. ‘She didn’t know she was beautiful, and even though that’s what made her beautiful, the memories of Louis Walsh make me not want to be touched,’ he shudders.

9. Baby of the group, Mikey Niall has no time for love, even though he’s had plenty of offers. ‘I’m too busy with my Facebook poke war with Jedward, and buying various colours of oversized baseball caps in Footlooker with team logos on them of which I couldn’t even tell you what sport they relate to,’ he shrugs, going back to his Scalextric set.

10. Despite their tumultuous love lives and extensive work and personal commitments, these boys are intent upon world domination. But what’s next for One Direction? ‘We want to start releasing our own compositions, and have been working on a album that with songs about each flavour of Rowntree’s Fruit Pastille. My favourite is purple flavour, and I hate green. But it’s ok because Biffo loves green,‘ said the one with the floppy hair, Disney-boy smile and formal suit blazer with skinny jeans.

Well, no matter what, these boys are heading in the right Direction. Insert other jokes here.

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How To Get Famous… In a Flash

In a society where stupidity is a commodity, money equals success and Joey Essex continues to be allowed to exist as an actual human being, fame is the ultimate prize. For the majority, fame is perceived as a doorway to excitement, fulfilment and acceptance, and more than ever, individuals are willing to do anything to achieve it.

Back in the days of yore, one would have to possess actual talent, drive and commitment, not to mention experience, in order to achieve notoriety in their field- fame being an unwanted by-product of their success. It took years to become famous. Nowadays, the general consensus seems to be that achieving fame should take twelve weeks- tops. And they’ll throw in a Christmas Number 1 for good measure.

But what if, like me, you don’t have twelve weeks, a sob story and a penchant for living in a house full of unbearable tosspots while the Daily Mail prints a tell-all about the time you got your first period, after which you gain public sympathy and later develop a drug problem to deal with the shame? All of that seems like awful hard work. So here are my top tips for getting famous… in a flash.

Get Heckled By Builders

If you’re a lady or a feminine-looking gentleman, you can get heckled by builders to satisfy those feelings of love that your father didn’t give you. It’s easy, all you need is a slaggy dress and a cigarette- hey presto, those men will be heckling you like you’re a worthless slag in no time. Don’t forget to fake a look of disgust after being heckled- it tells other pedestrians that you feel humiliated and violated, even if you coughed loudly beside the construction site to get the builders’ attention in the first place.

Sign Everything Like A Starlet

In my mundane day-to-day life, I sign things constantly. Mostly for deliveries from Matalan and other drabocities. But with some added pizazz, I can feel like I’m signing autographs quicker than you can say ‘Go fuck yourself, you weird bitch’. For example, when your shopping arrives from Sainsbury’s and the delivery man hands you his little electronic pad for you to sign so that they can charge you, say, ‘Ok, who should I make this out to?‘ When he looks confused, laugh lightly and say, ‘You’re starstuck, eh? Don’t worry, I get this all the time.’ Remember, when signing your name, add ‘Best wishes’ or ‘To my number one fan’. Hand back the pad and say something like, ‘Stay cool, Daddio’ and give him a thumbs-up. Nice.

Deluded Yourself. In General.

One thing I’ve noticed is that, when it comes to reality TV, the arsehole subject matter usual spends their time creating situations where they can just act like a total cunt for laughs- much like a naughty, attention-seeking child whose mother is too disinterested in to disipline. With that in mind, make like the Kardashians and just walk around being ‘crazy’ for laughs. Don’t get a trolley in Asda– deprive someone with an actual disability of a mobility scooter and use that to knock down displays while unintentionally making it obvious that you’re looking at the camera and laughing nervously.

Likewise, in social situations- don’t be pleasant and polite. Take a pregnancy test in your place of work while crying profusely, even though you know you aren’t pregnant. Film a one-night stand with your second cousin and play it back to your family for a laugh. Bring an inappropriate family member to your bikini-wax appointment and make your beautician uncomfortable while they rate your bare arse out of ten. Don’t forget to conclude such events by discussing them in terms of the ‘Peak’ and ‘Pit’ of your day- making reference to your father’s demise at length so that you can capitalise on his death.

See Yourself As A Star- And Others Will Follow

It’s not good enough to act like you’re famous- others have to belbe in on the act for you to live your life in absolute denial. It’s the little things like answering every phonecall you receive with, ‘Hi, this is [your name]- thank you so much for voting for me. You rock! This is an automated message- you have been charged £5 plus your standard call rate for this call,’ and then hanging up, to insisting upon wearing sunglasses in nightclub photographs with friends (remember to look awkward and as though you’re gracing them with your presence), and even having a man with a Geordie accent floating around occasionally to narrate your life (‘Sally is having an affair with her brother-in-law just to convince herself she isn’t dead inside’, ‘Sally accidentally gave her nephew peanuts after temporarily forgetting his allergy and is currently in an ambulance with him. She’s going to tell her sister that he stole them from the cupboard and she saved his life to cover up the fact that she nearly killed him’. Yes, Sally’s life seems dramatic, but remember: some scenes have been set up purely for your entertainment).

Captivate Your Audience

Fame is all about the general public feigning interest in what you’re doing, so by rights, doing interesting things publicly should achieve fame. You can accomplish this easily by getting on a public bus and spouting some drivel about ‘Jesus‘ and ‘Judgement Day’ until you make small children cry because they’re frightened, and Shazam! Instant fame. This one is a lot easier if you smell like piss, cigarettes and whiskey because no-one is likely to forceably remove you from the bus for fear of getting your smell on their coat. Incidentally, should someone on that bus try to be a hero and remove you- just play dead, shouting ‘Rape!’ or ‘Fugggg off, bastid…’ weakly until you vomit all down your front. That should take care of it.

Have Talent, Motivation and The Ability To Excel In Your Chosen Field

Only joking. Kill your parrot and use your tears to soar through to X Factor Bootcamp. Yay!

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Ten Things You Never Knew About… Beyonce

Beyonce Knowles took the world by storm as part of ho-quartet, Destiny’s Child, back in 1998 and has never looked back since. As famous for her curves as she is her singing talent, Beyonce is a music icon, and arguably the most famous woman of her generation. But what do we not know about the singing sensation that has dominated the music industry for the past decade? Here’s the lowdown, with ten things you never knew about Beyonce.

1. Beyonce Knowles was born in Stoke-on-Trent to parents, Destiny-Marie ‘Bike’ Brown and Wayne-Paul ‘Smackhead’ White. But the star didn’t stay in Stoke for long, as she was given up for adoption to a couple in Texas- in return, her birth parents got an undisclosed sum, the exact details of which are unknown but rumoured to be ‘some smack money and 100% of the proceeds for selling their story to Take A Break magazine when Beyonce hits the big time’.

2. Beyonce’s adoptive parents, Tina and Matthew Knowles raised their prized cash-cow in Texas, and honed the young star for fame as soon as she was out of nappies. ‘Beyonce was that girl in school who juggled a violin, art case and her P.E. kit as her parents were aspirational middle class-types,’ says a classmate. ‘We used to call her Poncey Beyonce, and then she’d cry in the toilets’. Good times.

3. Despite her strict unbringing, Beyonce is known to reminisce fondly about her childhood, saying that she and her father would enjoy some father-daughter bonding by standing on street-corners in downtown Dallas, Beyonce singing Motown hits and her father threatening that ‘Santa won’t come if you don’t hit the high notes’.

4. Beyonce’s mother is a highly-driven dressmaker, recently finding fame as Thelma Madine from Channel 4’s My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.

5. Those big garish creations favoured by young brides of the travelling community aren’t the only people who enjoy Beyonce’s mothers talents, as Beyonce herself is usually wearing a Tina Knowles special. The two have even recently paired up to create House of Dereon, a clothing line aimed at people with too much money and not enough shame. ‘I don’t have the heart to tell my mother that her stuff looks a bit tacky,’ explains the star.

6. But Tina Knowles is thick-skinned, after Beyonce named the band that made her a star, Destiny’s Child, giving a nod to her birth mother. ‘Watching Shameless keeps me grounded’, she says.

7. Beyonce co-writes her own songs about real life experiences, most notably ‘Survivor’, about LaTavia Roberson and LaToya Luckett, who were in the original line-up of Destiny’s Child before leaving dramatically. Beyonce explains, ‘Aside from ‘Survivor’, I wrote songs called ‘I Hope You Have Fertility Problems Later On In Life’, ‘You Have B.O. And We Would All Laugh About It Behind Your Back’ and ‘I’ll Beat The Shit Out Of You With Your Motherfucking Weave The Next Time We Meet’ but none were as catchy as ‘Survivor’, so that got released. But those songs are all on the album ‘Slags, Slags, Slags’, so the fans can still enjoy them’.

8. Destiny’s Child’s fourth member, Kelly Rowland, has remained loyal to Beyonce, from the time when she was just a simple chimney sweep that lived in the Knowles’ servant quarters until now, where she lives in the eternal darkness of Beyonce’s shadow.

9. After Destiny’s Child officially disbanded after running out of ghetto-fabulous topics to sing about, Beyonce launched her solo career, taking the charts by storm with hits like ‘Crazy In Love’ and ‘Run the World (Girls)‘. But she lists her duet with embarrassing pain-in-the-arse Alexandra Burke as one of her career highlights. ‘I must have looked like one classy bastard next to that twat’, she muses.

10. Most recently, Beyonce has been hitting the headlines for the birth of her baby daughter, Blue Ivy, saying that she wants to concentrate on motherhood and family life for the forseeable future. ‘I want Blue Ivy to get to know her real grandparents, too’, says the star. ‘Destiny-Marie and Wayne-Paul have dotted on her since her birth, buying her a mini-Burberry hat, a pair of baby Nike Air max and a five-finger ring with the word’s ‘Main Baby Bastid’ diamante-encrusted across the top. Fabulous!’

Keep living the dream, Beyonce! Just watch your purse.

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Where Are They Now… The Cast of Saved By The Bell

Back in the early ’90s, they were the coolest kids on the planet and started many a trend, including turning a chair backwards to sit on it and… erm, those red basket for chips that Americans seem to like. But what are the cast of Saved By The Bell up to nowadays? Did they get to the corner just in time to see the bus fly by, or was it alright because it was saved by the bell? Etc. Here’s the current scoop on the cast:

Mark-Paul Gosselaar (Zack Morris)

After finding fame as Zack Morris, a preppy jokester with the ability to call ‘time out’ and effectively stop time, Gosselaar failed to achieved the same level of success in roles post-SBTB. But that’s alright, because now Gosselaar uses his time-stopping ability to spend his days spontaneously stopping time and wrecking havoc. ‘I’ll call ‘Time Out’ and go into nightclubs, grope a few women, spike a few drinks- the usual. But it’s not all bad- sometimes I just call ‘Time Out’ and go out in public where I can shout ‘I was the Zack Morris’ without public scorn‘, he recently confessed. To police. In connection to a rape allegation.

Tiffani Thiessen (Kelly Kapowski)

Thisessen portrayed All-American girl, Kelly Kapowski, in the hit show- an iconic character that was the first love of many teens of the early ’90s. And Thiessen knows all too well that there is huge public demand for her to reprise her role. ‘I’m certain that, someday soon, I’m going to get the call telling me that Kelly’s getting her own spin-off show, so until that day, I wake up and ‘be’ Kelly all day long,’ she laughs. ‘It’s a tough task- I listen to George Michael and pretend that he’s still heterosexual, which is a full-time job on it’s own. I spend hours on the phone pretending to gossip with Lisa Turtle. And I’ve even had to get hairplugs from coiffing my fringe into an ’80’s do for the past 30 years. But it will all be worth it when I get my own show. Sorry, did I just foam at the mouth?‘ Keep living the dream, Tiff!

Dustin Diamond (Samuel ‘Screech’ Powers)

Screech was the sort of lovable High School weirdo who, if his character was a real person, would have probably cracked under the pressure and shot up the school cafeteria one day after listening to a Marilyn Manson song. Luckily, he’s just a character. But Dustin Diamond, who played Screech, is also the type of person to go on a shooting rampage- if he had the balls to do it, which he doesn’t. However, Diamond has had the balls to pen a ‘tell-all’ book about the seedy behind-the-scenes scandals of SBTB, which not only contains heavy use of the word ‘douchenozzle’, but also claims that Diamond has slept with over 2,000 women, most of whom he picked up at Disneyland, and that he had an affair with his SBTB TV exec boss- who died in 2003 and therefore, isn’t able to furiously deny his claims. And the most hilarious bit about this is that I didn’t have to make any of it up.

Mario Lopez (A.C. Slater)

A.C. Slater was the ultimate high school jock who inexplicably spent his days hanging around with Screech, when in reality, their positions at opposite ends of the social spectrum meant that they would only have interacted in the gym showers when conducting a secret affair. In real life, Mario- real name Cecil Tweedstamps– has spent his days post-SBTB trying to re-invent himself as a TV presenter, fronting quality shows such as an hour-long, weekly show in which members of the public bring their pets on to the stage and command them to do tricks while the pet stares blankly ahead, clearly upset by the cameras. ‘I love presenting Petstar!Mario exclaims. ‘It’s a cross between watching paint dry, and someone pissing on your chips.’

Lark Voorhies (Lisa Turtle)

Shy Lark played Lisa Turtle– fashionista and future person who looks back at photos of her clothing and says, ‘What the fuck was I thinking?‘ As the saying goes, Lark wears many hats in the entertainment biz, and while this usually refers to someone who works in many different areas of the business, Lark just wears lots of hats. ‘Sometimes I wear bowler hats, other times I might wear a beanie hat. When I’m feeling fancy, I’ll wear a fascinator and pretend I’m going to a wedding. But at the minute, I’m wearing a lot of baseball hats as I’m feeling a bit out of sorts. I don’t know what happened- one minute, I’m going about my business, the next, I find myself in a stranger’s bed and Mark-Paul Gosselaar is being questioned by the police,‘ she cries.

Elizabeth Berkley (Jessie Spano)

While Jessie Spano was always on a crusade for equal rights, her character loved a bit of male attention and she was known for her tight jeans as much as her half-arsed feminist pontification. While Elizabeth’s acting roles since SBTB, a wealth of stripper characters, would leave Jessie Spano outwardly horrified but secretly pleased about the male attention, she uses her free time to paint and create art. In fact, her painting was the muse behind the song  ‘Jessie Paints a Picture’. ‘I’ll paint anything- family portraits, nature, whatever you want. The paintings are $30, and two for 50- but for you, I’ll do them for $45. I’ll only do nudes if you wear a pair of paper-pants, and I’ll just use my imagination to fill in the blanks,’ she said in a recent interview. ‘Just pop your clothes over on the chair’.

Time out.

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Ten Things You Never Knew About… The Spice Girls

The Spice Girls are rumoured to be set to reform for one last show at the Olympics 2012 Closing Ceremony. The girls comprised one of the ’90s’ most iconic pop bands- hosting sold out concerts, coveting multiple Christmas number 1 spots on the UK chart and even starring in their own film. But how much do you really know about the Spice Girls? Here’s ten facts you never knew about our five favourite poptarts:

1. When they originally formed, the Spice Girls had grand ideas about representing the concept of ‘Girl Power’– an idea that aimed to empower women, gave them a voice and promoted equality between males and females. Once they had been given permission to do this by their male manager, Simon Fuller, the girls marketed their ‘Girl Power’ image by wearing slutty clothes, having lots of public catfights and being anorexic. Brilliant.

2. The aliases that made them famous: Scary Spice, Sporty Spice, Ginger Spice, Posh Spice and Baby Spice almost didn’t happen. Originally, the girls wanted to call themselves Butch Spice, Bulimia Spice, The Bestest One Spice, I’m Rolling My Eyes At This Spice and Passive Aggressive Spice. Simon Fuller said no. Girl Power.

3. While their first successful release was ‘Wannabe’ in 1996, the Spice Girls had released a prior song that had failed to set the charts alight, reaching number 38 on the ‘Children’s Party Song’ chart. ‘Last Night I Spat In Grumpyface’s Tea- Next Time I’ll Piss In It’ was penned by Geri Halliwell, aka Ginger Spice, and to this day, the rumours that the song is inspired by her ongoing hatred for Victoria Beckham are unconfirmed.

4. Geri isn’t the only aspiring songwriter of the group. Mel C, aka Sporty Spice had written songs during her time in the group, but alas, ‘Going To Start A Rumour That I’m A Lesbian (And See What Happens)’, ‘Broad Shoulders’ and ‘My Adidas Button-Up Don’t Wash Very Well’ didn’t make it on to any of the group’s albums.

5. The band was rocked when Geri Halliwell decided to bow out in 1998, and rumours of a rift between Geri and Mel B, aka Scary Spice were rife. However, in reality, the reason for Geri’s departure was due to creative differences between her and all of the other girls, who disagreed with Geri’s vision to rename the group, ‘Geri Halliwell and the Other People’, in which they would only release songs about Geri and her positive attributes. The idea that the group would spend their free time trying to build a time travelling machine for the purpose of travelling back to Geri’s school days and slapping her now-deceased music teacher who had said Geri had [quote] ‘not an ounce of talent in her deluded body’ were also rejected.

6. In 1998, while Geri’s departure from the band left their musical future in tatters, Victoria Beckham (then Adams), aka Posh Spice, was about to embark upon a romantic adventure. We now know her as the wife of David Beckham, but Victoria had to kiss a lot of frogs to meet her prince. ‘I realised I’d be back on the dole once the band was over and needed to secure myself a rich husband before that happened, so I made my way around the Premiership and touched lucky on my 78th go’, says the WAG, ‘Thank God for David- he’s my pedestal. Did I say pedestal? I meant rock.’

7. One person who has managed to maintain a friendship with all of the others is Emma Bunton, aka Baby Spice. ‘I just let those fuckers waffle on about how much they hate the others, and nod along. I barely even listen. Now I’m worrying that it’s given me a brain tumour. But don’t worry, because if I play my cards right, surviving that will no doubt secure me a spot on Loose Women when Carol McGiffen pulls a sickie due to menopause’, she laughs.

8. After the Spice Girls officially disbanded, the girls have had successful solo careers. But no more so than Mel B, who spends her days getting pregnant by high profile Hollywood actors, then having publicly documented fights with them in tabloids over the paternity of her children. ‘I’m laying the foundation for my children to follow on in the family business by securing them their own reality shows in which they are filmed on their journeys to find their fathers later in life. After all, ‘It’s a Scary World’ out there, people! Jenny Craig. Other endorsements!’ says the star.

9. Sadly, it has been reported that Mel B’s rampant success after the Spice Girls has provoked a lot of jealousy amongst the others. ‘I wish I was on Bo Selecta,‘ moaned Victoria.

10. The Spice Girls have vowed that their up-coming performance at the London Olympics’ Closing Ceremony will be their last, but with the public hotly anticipating the reunion, some of the girls are hoping that the performance will reignite the band. ‘I wear leggings all day anyway, so as long as I get to wear tracksuit bottoms, I’m in’, says an enthusiastic Mel C. Emma Bunton has also been quoted as saying, ‘If it doesn’t affect my Child Tax Credits, then I’ll do it’. Geri Halliwell is said to be the mastermind behind the potential comeback. ‘I’m sharpening my knife’, laughs the star. Maniacally.

I’m away to cut my ears off.

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Where Are They Now… The Cast of Sex and the City

It seems like eons since Sex and the City graced our TV screens, but that’s only because since the series ended, we’ve been subjected to two Sex and the City films that were so bad they altered the speed of time.

At the time of it’s conception, Sex and the City was considered revolutionary- for the first time, women were being depicted as in control, unapologetic for being sexually adventurous and disinterested in the ‘fairytale ending’ hoped for by the majority of female protagonists before them. Which is why they all ended up in committed relationships when the series ended. Funny that.

But where are the beloved stars of Sex and the City today? After extensive research, here’s an update on the four women that you, at some point, have asked yourself, ‘What the fuck does he see in her?’ about.

Sarah Jessica Parker (Carrie Bradshaw)

After being the muse for many individuals opting for a life of celebacy following her portrayal of whiny woman-child, Carrie Bradshaw, Sarah Jessica took a sabbatical from acting to focus on being papped while doing artsy things and pretending she was a bit bohemian when really she’s just a pain in the arse. When studies suggested that upper middle class, white women who need to be applauded for raising a child that they are responsible for with the help of a nanny were under-represented in cinema today, SJP made her comeback in I Don’t Know How She Does It. The film was given rave reviews worldwide, especially in Zimbabwe where many locals agreed that, even though 20% of the country’s population is suffering with AIDs and life expectancy averages 35, American women who juggle a highly-paid job, a rich husband and a well-behaved child are ‘miracle workers’. ‘I don’t know how she does it!‘ laughed one local, who was on her way to bury her 28 year old grandmother. Keep flying the flag, Sarah Jessica!

Cynthia Nixon (Miranda Hobbes)

Down-to-earth Miranda was the least glamorous of the group and with her intolerance for bullshit, it’s surprising that her character didn’t tell the others to ‘fuck off and stop creating problems’ throughout the show’s span. However, due to the prevalence of offence taken by women when they are compared to Miranda by their friends, Cynthia Nixon now travels the world as a public speaker for the charity, Women Against Being Like Miranda, in which she delivers motivational seminars on fighting the urge to adopt a cat, the art of settling for a partner just so you don’t feel lonely, and the merits of dressing femininely even though it makes you feel like a ‘whore’.

Kristen Davis (Charlotte York)

Serial desperado, Charlotte, was an optimistic romantic, and arguably the person whom most would pick if you had to spend the rest of your life on a desert island with one of the characters from Sex and the City, death not being an option. Many fans were shocked when it emerged during Sex and the City’s heyday that Kristen is a recovering alcoholic, as she adopts a ‘good girl’ image. However, while Kristen can’t enjoy a tipple anymore, she still likes to spend time with her alcoholic friends and continues to enjoy many of the activities that they did while drinking. ‘I don’t limit myself to things just because I’ve stopped drinking’, says the raven haired beauty, ‘I still like to sit for days on park benches slurring abuse at families, I love to spend my Saturdays stashing mini-bottles of vodka all over my house and I’ve been known to drop by at a family wedding or two just to heckle the bride and groom, then piss myself in a corner at the reception.‘ A gal after our own heart!

Kim Cattrall (Samantha Jones)

Walking STD, Samantha Jones, represents self-elected strong, independant women everywhere who don’t realise the irony in using sex to validate themselves. In reality, Kim Cattrall capitalised massively on her character’s tri-sexuality, writing a ‘how-to’ sex book with her then husband, Sleazy McRapistpants, after which they seperated, possibly due to smugness. Since then, Kim has made no secret of her ‘black sheep’ status of the group, saying, ‘I’m the sort of person people cross the street to avoid, and I’m still more likeable than those other three bitches’. Currently, Kim is rumoured to be set to star in the sequel to her 80’s hit, Mannequin. Mannequin 2: An Oldie But A Goodie, depicts the tale of a lonely bloomer mannequin in an underwear shop for ‘mature’ women who gets molested by an ageing stockboy suffering from a shy bladder. Sounds like it’ll be a blockbuster!

For these gals, the sky is the limit. Yes.

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Prick of the Week- Geordie Shore

After watching the first episode of MTV’s Geordie Shore- Chaos in Cancun on Tuesday night, I can only assume that the producers advertised recruitment for the show as ‘Are you a failed abortion with no job or future? Do you like saying the word ‘Bantah’ a lot, but have absolutely no idea that banter doesn’t mean having sex with strangers on camera that is played back to the general public in nightvision while they laugh at you? Were you facing a life of robbing to subsidise your benefits for learning difficulties? Well then, apply to Geordie Shore today, and start your new life as a glorified porn star who is paid to slither around the VIP section of low-rent nightclubs!’

Admittedly, I watch the show so this is entirely hypocritical of me. But I’d watch anything, so that doesn’t say much. There was a time when Geordie Shore was once funny, some of the characters were even *slightly* endearing, but, like every reality show nowadays, the characters have got wise on how to build up an ’empire’ (I’m using ’empire’ in the loosest possible sense here), and the show has become massively contrived and awkward.

Take baby-voiced, arm flailing, towel-as-daywearing, Charlotte and bitchy Lego man, Gary. I am fucking sick to the back teeth of looking at these two gimps as they act out the sort of on-again off-again relationship that would have Katie Price saying, ‘Enough is enough. This bullshit isn’t worth the coverage in Heat magazine’.

Gary’s wingman is Jay, the perfect posterchild for a campaign to adopt capital punishment in the UK, with the slogan, ‘Who cares if a few innocent men are convicted wrongly and die? It’ll be alreet, pet.’ 

On the outskirts of this nonce-fest is Sophie, a lesser wanker than the others, but a wanker none-the-less. Sophie has left behind boyfriend Joel, basically an uglier-faced Ken doll with a very prominent steroid-addiction, to go to Cancun. Lucky her.

But sadly, these four are the most likable of the cast. My least favourite is James– a poor man’s Anthony Hutton who makes me want to invent a time machine just so I can go back to the time of his conception and stop his mother from downing those rohypnol-laced lagers and beg his father to stop raping women in the back alley of the pub. His treatment of Holly, a girl with daddy issues so severe, the entire live-in community of the Playboy mansion is currently sending her a ‘Thinking of You During this Difficult Time’ card, is abysmal, but hey- that’s just the power of the combover. Holly is best friends by default with Rebecca, Newcastle’s answer to Olive Oyl from Popeye, if Olive Oyl was a massive tart.

In the midst of this pack of abysmal cunts is Ricci and Vicky, Newcastle’s equivalent to a more-unlikable Fred and Rost West. Both are underlying serial killers- Vicky’s uncontrollable rage, egoism and relentless bullying simmering at the edges, coupled with Ricci’s arrogant bastardism, coloured Ray-Ban favouring and general drunk dickheadness make for the sort of concoction that would make the majority of the general public turn a blind eye if a terrorist attack occurred in the Newcastle Upon Tyne area.

So now the ‘gang’ are in Cancun, ready to slime around the place, spreading AIDs all over everything in Mexico and getting on it like a car bonnet. Mexico is famed for being the murder capital of the world, but it is assured that Cancun is a very safe place for tourists to holiday with absolutely no threat of murder. Pity that.

Geordie Shore– fuck you.

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Ten Things You Never Knew About… Cheryl Cole

Darling and alumni of talent shows that have a clear misunderstanding of the word ‘talent’, Cheryl Cole, is a modern-day rags to riches story. For those of you who are unfamiliar with stars that adorn the front pages of every tabloid that aspires to climb up the paper social-ladder and one day achieve toilet roll status, Cheryl Cole (then Tweedy) won a place in Girls Aloud after appearing on Popstars: The Rivals, and has risen to superstardom with her own glittering solo career. Here’s ten things you never knew about Cheryl, pop princess of our time.

1. Cheryl hails from Newcastle Upon Tyne and is very proud of her Geordie roots. However, she has never met Jimmy Nail and will bite you if you mention him to her.

2. Cheryl’s debut performance on television involved her singing a rendition of ‘Have You Ever’ by S Club 7, a song she holds close to her heart. ‘It’s poetry in it’s truest form, alreet?’ snarls the star, menacingly. This is well-known to be a touchy subject for the singer, as she would have preferred to sing 19 by Paul Hardcastle but was prohibited to use the song by Popstars: The Rivals producers, citing that the majority of viewers are ‘practically Nazis’.

3. Back in 2003, a young Cheryl nearly lost everything by being involved in an alleged racial attack, a detail that she vehemently denies. ‘I’m no racist, man. I don’t reserve hatred for different races or colours, I fuckin’ hate everyone. I hate you, I hate your mam and I fuckin’ hope your dog gets knocked down. I’d punch you in that nightclub whether you were white, black or fuckin’ stripey.’

4. As part of Girls Aloud, Cheryl released hits like ‘Sound of the Underground’ and ‘Love Machine’– controversially admitting once that she wasn’t a fan of the pop music the band churned out, preferring R&B. Today, Cheryl has pursued her love of R&B by saying that her solo music, such as latest offering ‘Call My Name’, now falls into the R&B category, even though it’s clearly still pop. Each to their own.

5. Cheryl treasures family above all else and maintains a relationship with her siblings despite the fact that they make the television programme Shameless look like Keeping Up Appearances. However, leading analysts argue that Cheryl’s relationship with her gluesniffing, petty criminal family makes her look like less of a racist sumbag by comparison.

6. The same can be said for her relationship with absolutely abysmal human being, Ashley Cole. When her marriage to Ashley broke down amidst cheating rumours, Cheryl capitalised on the public sympathy and everyone forgot that she was a racist and had formerly spent her entire career span doing little other than bitching about minor celebrities to the News of the World.

7. Prior to her marriage breakdown, Cheryl was keen to distance herself from being perceived as a typical ‘Footballer’s Wife’. However, she neglected to realised that she was married to a footballer, and that her job largely involved appearing on Ant and Dec’s various zany Saturday night TV offerings in a Von Dutch trucker hat and a pair of hotpants, inaccurately miming the words to ‘No Good Advice’– making her Queen of the Footballers’ Wives. Colleen McLoughlin seethes.

8. Cheryl says that her marriage breakdown left her unable to trust people, admitting that her dogs and mother, Joan Callaghan, are her best friends. The representatives acting on behalf of Cheryl’s dogs and Joan Callaghan deny this.

9. After meeting during the filming for The Passions of Girls Aloud, Cheryl and Black Eyed Peas frontman, Will.I.Am have become good friends. It has been widely reported that the two have had a tryst in the past, but this is unlikely given Cheryl’s racist tendencies.

10. While Cheryl is currently embarking on a solo career of miming along to generic pop songs and dancing like a transvestite puppet going to a pyjama party, there are plans for Girls Aloud to regroup at the end of 2012 for one last tour. While nothing has been confirmed yet, the tour theme is rumoured to be ‘Tacky Hen Night’. ‘I don’t want to give anything away’, says Cheryl, ‘but if you think people suffering from dwarfism are funny, and you love to see them dressed up as Hobbits and Smurfs, then get your ticket in now!‘ A logistics representative for Poundland said that child sweatshop workers are currently toiling day and night to meet future demand for ‘penis straws and other tat’.

You go, girl! Join us soon for another edition of Ten Things You Never Knew…, when we’ll be making up uncovering the truth behind another mediocre glamorous celebrity!

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