Category Archives: confidence

How To Be A Heartbreaker

Recently, I wrote about how to mend a broken heart for all of you loveless Lucilles out there who can’t seem to tie that love-lasso tight enough in the neck area to send your victim to sleep (what a waste of Rohypnol). But what about those of you who don’t have a broken heart, but rather, would like to be a heartbreaker? 

Would you like to be a modern day Arthur ‘The Fonz’ Fonzerelli? Does the thought of aggravated sexual assault leave you all shook up, not shaken up? And when it comes to love, are you too cool for school or erm… not… that cool. Sorry, I choked under the weight of all these puns.

Here are my tips for being a heartbreaker.

Thou Shall Do The Face

In the song, When You’re in Love with a Beautiful Woman by Dr. Hook, he describes his relationship with a good-looking woman, which over time, causes him to ‘watch her eyes’ and ‘look for lies’. Assuming he isn’t a doctor of optometry and such acts are not routine medical procedures, the song describes how one’s heart is easily broken when in love with someone beautiful.

Therefore, in order to be a heartbreaker, you need to cover up that nasty and invest in some rhinoplasty, and other surgical procedures that didn’t rhyme there. If you aren’t a natural beauty and think inner beauty is more important, buy yourself a copy of Heat and try to survive an hour without crying, then putting a sheet over your face and refusing to take it off until you get cheek implants, or other nonsensical vital surgery. Think of surgery as an investment, as you can always con your money back from one of the dirty old pensioners lurking about the Playboy mansion pretending to enjoy chasing after young women but, given the chance, would much rather prefer to swap that Viagra for a night of checkers and ‘accidentally’ knocking down small children while clumsily reversing around a supermarket aisle end on their mobility scooter.

 

Thou Shalt Not Let Thyself Go

What’s the point in having the face of a delightful angel, and the body of an Angel Delight fifteen-packet-a-day addict? In order to be a heartbreaker, your body needs to be in the best shape possible, which can be achieved in one of two ways: A) Liposuction and other surgeries- which is costly and require some investment or (my favourite) B) Diet and exercise. Diet and exercise is no fun when conducted safely, at a reasonable pace and with realistic expectations. No- instead, you must go full throttle at an exercise routine; pulling a car on a rope, running marathons daily and listening to Eye of the Tiger on repeat as you flail wildly around the gym. And how do you keep your energy up whilst in training? Certainly not with food, because your diet only consists of water, carrots and the odd rice cake on your birthday. Yay, this is so worth it.

It doesn’t matter if starvation and burn out diet and exercise leaves you more irritable than a bear that has just been woken from a deep sleep by being poked repeatedly in the testicles with a sharp twig- if you’re thin and beautiful, people won’t care if you’re a total cunt.

Thou Shalt Not Waste Time Being Personable

To reiterate my last point, being thin and beautiful makes you exempt from the expectation of possessing a personality. Just look at Angelina Jolie– if she looked like Dawn French, she would have been shot long ago. So, just work on that outer beauty for now, petal. This is great advice.

Just remember: Inner Beauty is Not Your Duty- Pretty Exterior Makes You Superior. Repeat this mantra every morning to yourself in the mirror, or when anyone calls you a cheap whore in public and shouts that you were only after their money. Bastard.

Thou Shalt Not Give A Fuck About Others

In order to be a heartbreaker, one must break hearts- that means people are going to get hurt. But hey, who cares, right? Have you ever watched an action film in which thousands of civilians were carelessly killed and then never referenced again because the whole film centres around the protagonist being hailed as a hero in the end? Yeah, well that’s kind of what this is like.

My suggestion for not giving a fuck about others is to drink a lot until you’re numb and dancing around a stripper pole. Or if all else fails, rebrand milking people dry for their money in exchange for sex and companionship by telling people that ‘Beauty is Power’ and other shit like that. Here’s to you, Kimora Lee Simmons. You shhhhlllaggg.

So, to sum up- Look good and have little to say except a prompt ‘Fuck off’ to anyone who calls you out on your shit.

I’m going to be reincarnated as a toilet.

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How To Manage Conflict With Your Neighbours

It is inevitable that, given the rapid expansion of the human race, the world is becoming more and more cramped. Inner city living can be an absolute nightmare, and from time to time you may find yourself empathising with those who throw themselves off massive skyscrapers to escape this cruel and torturous life.

Anyway, unless you live in the remote countryside (which has it’s own set of problem, such as inbreeding), it is likely that, at some point, you have found yourself irritated by your neighbours.

For the past few weeks, I have found myself at the receiving end of my own personal neighbourly nightmare. My new neighbours are huge chain smokers and when they smoke (which is all day and night), my apartment fills with grey smog. This would usually be a pretty hopeless situation, but I live in a non-smoking building, and the problem was getting really bad so I was forced to do something. But instead of letting it get worse, I nipped it in the bud and am happy that myself and my neighbours have smoothed everything out.

Here are my tips for managing conflict with your neighbours.

Confront the issue face-to-face

Confronting the issue face-to-face, as early as possible, stops the problem from festering while showing your neighbours that you are assertive and confident. When I first spoke to my neighbours, they realised I was a whiny bitch capable of scratching their eyes out if I didn’t get my way. They apologised immediately and even hid the last time I approached them. However, your neighbours may not be as pathetic as mine, so perhaps you may want to bring a knife, or other intimidating material, with you when confronting them. When they inquire as to the reason such objects are in your hand, laugh maniacally and say, ‘Oh, this old thing? I was just preparing a meal. I eat bitches for breakfast.’

Be proactive about solutions

The problem in question most likely derives from your neighbours lack of viable options, so, if you give them other ways to solve the problem, then it’s a win/win, and they may even thank you for it. For example, if your neighbour has a dog that barks through the night, why not say, ‘Would you mind awfully if I asked you to stop Rover from barking at 3 a.m.? If he refuses to stop, I could always climb into your garden and slit his motherfucking throat and pull out his voicebox, if you like? You wouldn’t even have to dispose of it as I’d happily store it on my mantelpiece as a trophy. Alternatively, I could just extract your own voicebox, but slitting a human’s throat is too easy for me- I like the thrill of the chase, so I’d probably pull it from your anus instead. Anyway, hope this helps. Cheerio.’

Keep them on your side

Unfortunately, while many of us would like to forget the presence of our neighbours, it is actually advantageous to maintain a relationship with them, as they will be more likely to be civil when disputes arise. So, if your neighbours are selfish bastards who like to party all weekend, send them a few bottles of beer in support of their festivities. Remember to add thoughtful touches such as emptying the contents of said beer into the sink, pissing into the empty containers, throwing in a dash of rat poisoning and resealing. If they invite you in when delivering your gesture, be nice and meet their friends. Make sure to take note of all party-goers under the legal drinking age, along with photographic evidence, as this will be easier for an administrator to add your neighbour to the Sex Offenders Register on Monday morning.

Be mindful

The only way to ensure that your neighbour remains happy to keep the peace is by ensuring you don’t start a war with them, which means you must be mindful of your own behaviour too. Therefore, you can either a) constantly be aware of your behaviour or b) secretly mentally abuse your neighbours. And admittedly, while I’d like to say I’m constantly considerate, I have been known to slip sedatives into their milk. Yes, maybe I am prone to accidentally causing the odd gas leak or faulty Christmas tree fire, but teaching your neighbours what true tragedy is keeps them grounded. They won’t want to waste their time on trivial matters like your TV being too loud. And isn’t that what life is all about- teaching people to live in the now and not get bogged down by silly things? In a way, you’re giving them a gift. The gift of near death, which technically, is the gift of life. You’re welcome, residents of 27B.

The Art of Flirting

There are many interpretations of the act of flirting; for some, it’s a harmless way to interact with someone on a friendly level, for others, it’s an easy way to get to know a potential romantic interest and make a love connection. Yes, I am aware of how creepy I sound right now.

The first thing to remember when intending to flirt is that preparation is key- you need to make sure you are flirt-ready. Have a look at yourself in the mirror and hold back negative thoughts such as, ‘you disgust me’ and ‘your life amounts to nothing’- you know, the usual. Be kind yourself. After all, you’re a four at best and no-one knows what you cry yourself to sleep about every night. Give me your best smile. No, that’s way too much, you look like a serial killer, reign it back in. Ok, good enough. Go get ’em, tiger!

When you reach your desired flirting venue, lower your expectations adequately so that you don’t humiliate yourself by aiming too high. Probably best to pick someone mousy, frumpy and nervous, as not only are these people grateful for the attention, they also make excellent partners on the receiving end of mental abuse later on in your relationship.

Before you approach your chosen victim, make sure to check your own body language to ensure you look appropriately comfortable and relaxed. Let’s face it, you’re pretty creepy, so try not to be yourself too much. If you’re a gal, hunch your shoulders to create the illusion of both a lopsided cleavage and an air of prostitution. Fellas, there is very little you can do other than to fashion all banknotes on your person into a fan and casually pretend to cool yourself down as you approach that special someone. The ladies love that.

Initiating conversation is important, as otherwise, you may be perceived as a sexual nuisance. Start by making your target’s skin crawl by throwing them a perverted chat-up line while wiggling your eyebrows. This will usually lead into a nice, awkward conversation. Don’t worry if your victim is rolling their eyes- you can make them pay in the currency of domestic violence later on in your relationship.

Remember to make eye contact throughout the conversation with your victim, as this is not at all creepy and intimidating. Don’t ever look away as this will give your victim unspoken permission to get out now while they still have the chance. It’s tough to maintain creepy eye contact but dammit, do you want to see this through or not? Moments like this are the foundation for the bridge and chorus of I Think We’re Alone Now by Tiffany, and if you ever want to waltz around your sex dungeon to this song with your chosen one, then keep staring, soldier!

While keeping up eye contact that penetrates the soul to dominate your mate into submission of a lifetime of mediocrity and broken dreams, you may want to share a few details about yourself. Go light on the stories about how you killed every one of your childhood pets, and if you must divulge such anecdotes, less of the maniacal laughter. Appropriate conversation includes how the thought of turning into your parents keeps you up at night, any weird fetishes you may or may not have (I threw in ‘or not’ as a courtesy, you big sicko) and how you’re too frightened to get that lump checked out by a medical professional lest it is not benign. Perhaps you could also start sobbing, too.

From time to time, give yourself a break from bearing your soul by asking your victim questions about themselves, so you get a better idea of what you would like to later change about them, or throw back in their face during an inevitable argument. While they are chatting, make sure to give them your full attention, which can be achieved by nodding like a crazed seal, invading their personal space and occasionally shouting ‘Preach!‘ while throwing your hands up in a racially inappropriate way.

After you have both conversed, it is likely that you, desperate for a mate, have read too much into it and their attempts to get you to go away have fallen on deaf ears. It’s time to close the deal, and make your flirting partner a long-term fixture in your life and sex dungeon. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there at the risk of rejection, as even if they say no, you can always stalk your victim down and make them pay later. A simple ‘I’d love to see you again’ and a thumbs-up will work wonders in closing the deal.

Rohypnol works too.

How to Get Bikini Ready Right Now!

 

Many people ask me, ‘How do you stay in such great shape?‘ to which I always reply, ‘Should I make this cheque out to cash, or…?’.

Yes, that’s right, ladies; if this blanket of grey mizzle ever lifts, bikini season will be just around the corner! And that means it’s time to start preparing for those lazy days on the beach. And by lazy, I mean stressful and miserable as you’ll probably spend the entire run up to summer in an endless cycle of crying and exercising.

But it doesn’t have to be a depressing and laborious misery fest. Here are five ways in which you can get a better bikini body with very little effort, and bid farewell to sucking in your stomach, dusting sand out of your spare tyre and going into the water to hide, which can lead to being potentially eaten by a shark, or being raped by a merman. You don’t want that, do you? So, read my tips.

 

Start a revolution

Thanks to brainwashing tactics that have been employed by our government for many generations, the general public are unaware that they are always being told what to think. If you don’t believe me, I would like to point out that, deep down, you are a tiny bit prejudiced. Even if, like me, you were raised as liberal, you have prejudices that are inbred through years and years of being told that anyone that is different to you is a threat. Our government did that. If you still don’t see my point- five words: My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. You watched that atop your high horse and secretly sneered, didn’t you?

Anyway, start a revolution by being like, ‘I don’t give a shit about no man, that’s right Lawd Jesus’ and doing snappy fingers (as explained here), then others are likely to follow suit and be all like, ‘Mmm-hmmm, I’m handling my shit and don’t give a ish’. Attitudes like this are usually picked up by masses of defensive, paranoid women. Eventually even uptight white women like myself will be joining in from afar, doing snappy fingers too and saying ‘I’m a strong white women and I’ll be damned if my man be all up in my bidness about my lumps’. See, I told you, we all have our prejudices.

Buy a cleverly designed ab-smock

A time-efficient way to obtain the abs, arse and thighs of a young starlet when you’re more ‘old harlot’ is to fake it ’til you make it and buy yourself a nice novelty apron with a cartoon muscle man or beach babe on it.

No-one will know it isn’t your body because they’re dead convincing. This apron will also double up as a hilarious conversation starter for vapid morons who still find The Simpsons and David Walliams funny.

 

Mince about with older, saggier and weightier counterparts

And watch yourself look better by comparison. Yes, this sounds cruel, but people like Vanessa Feltz and the entire cast of Loose Women would be friendless otherwise, for they were hardly made in God’s image. Making friends with women who are less of a ‘ten’ than you are effectively makes you the Queen Bee, even if you, too, have a face for radio and a body for rodeo. Every time someone has the misfortune of taking a photo of you bunch of ugly shrews together, that picture encapsulates a scale; this scale affixes the ugliest friend at the bottom and the prettiest (by default) friend at the top, which would be your good self, if you play your cards right. Hey presto: you’re the best of a bad bunch.

 

Start drinking plenty of fluids

Keeping your system ‘flushed out’ as whichever horrible ‘curvy’ Z-list celebrity who is currently the face of Activia (most likely either Martine ‘Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing’ McCutcheon or Claire ‘Eternal Menopause’ Sweeney) would say, is great for something, but to be honest, no one really knows what because we’re all too busy nodding along like chimps. Anyway, my fluid of choice is vodka, but I’m not fussy and whatever you have in the fridge will do. Drinking fluids like vodka, whisky and wine makes me look a lot better in the mirror, even when I’m crying and I don’t quite know why- I just get back on the kitchen table and dance like effing J-Lo. Drunk girls like this are the epitome of self-esteem.

And finally- stop caring

Ceasing to let the demands of society, the media and other shallow buffoons make you feel negatively about your, quite frankly, miraculous existence is the best move you’ll ever make for yourself. Have another bit of cake and stop worrying about it. And if anyone wants to tell you otherwise- myself, Martine McCutcheon, Vanessa Feltz and the cast of Loose Women will be round to glass that mother*.

*I just made that bit up about the cast of Loose Women, Vanessa Feltz and Martine McCutcheon. The only way they’ll be showing up is if you’re having a party and the theme is ‘Bitching about Anthea Turner while eating Macaroons’. Otherwise, it’ll just be me on my own, and I’ll probably just be in the corner crying and swinging a broken bottle. Thug life.

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8 Simple Rules For Building Your Confidence

Confidence is a valuable asset to aid progression in professional, social and personal scenarios. It enables a person to effectively have their opinion heard and respected, without offense or defence, while eliminating the elements of second-guessing or misinterpretation of passivity, or the potential to be hurt or bewildered by aggression.

I, like most, wasn’t born with the ability to be confident and assertive; in earlier life, I tended to lean toward passive behaviour, passive aggressive when pushed, and find it difficult to deal with my aggressive counterparts. But with a little training and practice, we can all obtain the confidence that we need to get through this miserable existence until death.

Following the tips below will help you on your path to higher confidence and an increased ability to be assertive, helping you to lead a happier, more productive life.

 

Know Your Rights

Having an over-inflated sense of self affords you an exaggerated sense of self-entitlement. If anyone gets more than you, argue pettily and bitterly until you are remunerated, even if you had no desire to obtain what the other person got. In order to get yourself adequately riled, read The Sun or equivalent tabloid for morons, and allow yourself to be tricked into believing the sensationalised stories about benefit fraud and immigration. Wonder how the abuse of such systems will affect you, and start a fucking riot with other vandals and wankers. Make sure you start all your sentences with ‘I’m not racist but (insert racism here)’. That means it’s not racist or offensive.

Work On Your Appearance

Appearing confident begins with looking confident. Force yourself to watch a whole episode of Gok Wan’s ‘Dress Your Bangers and On-Trend Self Thin With Spanx and Stupid Blazers, Girlfriend’ or whatever- try not to kill yourself during this process. Feebily head to Marks and Spencers to buy the outfit that Gok told you to buy because the media said so. Wear outfit even though it looks ridiculous and put the thought that dressing to impress is fucking futile, you’ve either got it or you haven’t, to the back of your head. And walk out that door with a new found confidence to give the world the finger.

 

Be Calm

Confidence is relayed from those who appear calm and controlled, no matter how daunting the situation is. Emulate calmness by constantly doing an impression of the telephone woman who says ‘The number you have dialled has not been recognised’– she sounds like she has her shit together. Now you’ve got the right voice, get a demeanor to match by taking a fuckload of sleeping tablets washed down with copious amounts of energy stimulant to keep you awake, but zombie-like. Hey presto, cool as a cucumber!

 

Know Yourself

Get to know ‘You’– what are your hopes and dreams? Likes and dislikes? Abilities? Knowing yourself will help you to speak up and relay yourself to others. However, there are so many people in the world nowadays that you are probably very similar to someone else, and thus, save yourself some time and just pick someone to copy. If you are female, you’ll probably want to be Kim Kardashian, so just slather yourself in bullshit, mis-use the word ‘literally’ (e.g. I was literally just abducted by aliens, literally literally literally) and complain at length about your lack of privacy while selling your life to the highest bidder. If you are male, you are less fortunate as you only have Justin Bieber, Jeremy Clarkson or James Cordon to choose from. And with death not being an option, shit one.

 

Speak Your Mind

Speaking your mind is a great way to justify being a total bastard to someone, because you can always just blame the fact that you’re ‘keeping it real’, when in fact, it is much kinder to live and let live. Therefore, making yourself feel better by pointing out someone else’s excessive armpit fat or muffin top also makes you a better person, your friend’s divorce was inevitable because she is a failure and your lack of enthusiasm for someone else’s dreams is just a way of protecting them against making a shambles out of their life because they’re too stupid to succeed. Definately. Hashtag just sayin’.

 

Learn To Say ‘No’

The art of saying ‘no‘ is difficult to master, but is ultimately advantageous in allowing you to say ‘yes’ to the things you really want to do, or have time for. The trick is to become really unapproachable and cagey, so that no-one ever wants to ask you anything or even go near you, for fear of you biting their head off. In addition to making a mountain out of a molehill when anyone requests five minutes of your time, remind them that they’ve troubled you by sighing loudly throughout, rolling your eyes and updating your Facebook status to ‘Hate when dickheads can’t take the hint’. When confronted, say ‘I’m sorry…. that you’re so sensitive.’ It’s their fault for being them.

 

Stop Thinking The Grass Is Always Greener

Overvaluing the lives and experiences of others’ is a surefire way to lower your own self-esteem, adversely affecting your confidence. Train your mind to see that the grass isn’t always greener by belittling the achievements of others’, preferably on a public domain where your opinion may influence others. If you are unsure of where to begin, consult any magazine geared towards women, and see how they dissect the lives of celebrities by circling atom-size celulite patches and pointing out coldsores. Then put this into practice in the real world. If someone is richer than you, start a rumour that their house has a weird smelly-house smell. If someone has a better job, point out to them that they possess this at the expense of family time by getting their toddlers hooked on crack. And if anyone dares to outshine you in the looks department, sell your story to the Daily Mail that they are a jealous whore, and when you provoke a public outcry, sell another story to the Daily Mail entitled, ‘See? See?!? I Fucking Told You I Was Better. By Samantha Brick’.

 

Fake It ‘Til You Make It

Acquiring confidence and the ability to be assertive takes time and constant effort. So, if you are only beginning to put the above legimate and totally serious tips into practice, chances are that you still don’t feel totally confident. Therefore, pretending you’re confident will help to alleviate feelings of doubt and insecurity. This can be achieved by saying things like ‘swag’, even though no-one really knows what the fuck is happening. If you’re female, you might want to suffix your sentences with ‘snappy fingers’ for extra pizazz and to distract people from the fact that you’ve spent all afternoon crying about your life. Men can achieve this by getting a derogatory statement about women shaved into the back of their head, for example ‘Bitches’ or ‘Hoes’.

And knock ’em dead, dolls! Literally.

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