It is inevitable that, given the rapid expansion of the human race, the world is becoming more and more cramped. Inner city living can be an absolute nightmare, and from time to time you may find yourself empathising with those who throw themselves off massive skyscrapers to escape this cruel and torturous life.
Anyway, unless you live in the remote countryside (which has it’s own set of problem, such as inbreeding), it is likely that, at some point, you have found yourself irritated by your neighbours.
For the past few weeks, I have found myself at the receiving end of my own personal neighbourly nightmare. My new neighbours are huge chain smokers and when they smoke (which is all day and night), my apartment fills with grey smog. This would usually be a pretty hopeless situation, but I live in a non-smoking building, and the problem was getting really bad so I was forced to do something. But instead of letting it get worse, I nipped it in the bud and am happy that myself and my neighbours have smoothed everything out.
Here are my tips for managing conflict with your neighbours.
Confront the issue face-to-face
Confronting the issue face-to-face, as early as possible, stops the problem from festering while showing your neighbours that you are assertive and confident. When I first spoke to my neighbours, they realised I was a whiny bitch capable of scratching their eyes out if I didn’t get my way. They apologised immediately and even hid the last time I approached them. However, your neighbours may not be as pathetic as mine, so perhaps you may want to bring a knife, or other intimidating material, with you when confronting them. When they inquire as to the reason such objects are in your hand, laugh maniacally and say, ‘Oh, this old thing? I was just preparing a meal. I eat bitches for breakfast.’
Be proactive about solutions
The problem in question most likely derives from your neighbours lack of viable options, so, if you give them other ways to solve the problem, then it’s a win/win, and they may even thank you for it. For example, if your neighbour has a dog that barks through the night, why not say, ‘Would you mind awfully if I asked you to stop Rover from barking at 3 a.m.? If he refuses to stop, I could always climb into your garden and slit his motherfucking throat and pull out his voicebox, if you like? You wouldn’t even have to dispose of it as I’d happily store it on my mantelpiece as a trophy. Alternatively, I could just extract your own voicebox, but slitting a human’s throat is too easy for me- I like the thrill of the chase, so I’d probably pull it from your anus instead. Anyway, hope this helps. Cheerio.’
Keep them on your side
Unfortunately, while many of us would like to forget the presence of our neighbours, it is actually advantageous to maintain a relationship with them, as they will be more likely to be civil when disputes arise. So, if your neighbours are selfish bastards who like to party all weekend, send them a few bottles of beer in support of their festivities. Remember to add thoughtful touches such as emptying the contents of said beer into the sink, pissing into the empty containers, throwing in a dash of rat poisoning and resealing. If they invite you in when delivering your gesture, be nice and meet their friends. Make sure to take note of all party-goers under the legal drinking age, along with photographic evidence, as this will be easier for an administrator to add your neighbour to the Sex Offenders Register on Monday morning.
The only way to ensure that your neighbour remains happy to keep the peace is by ensuring you don’t start a war with them, which means you must be mindful of your own behaviour too. Therefore, you can either a) constantly be aware of your behaviour or b) secretly mentally abuse your neighbours. And admittedly, while I’d like to say I’m constantly considerate, I have been known to slip sedatives into their milk. Yes, maybe I am prone to accidentally causing the odd gas leak or faulty Christmas tree fire, but teaching your neighbours what true tragedy is keeps them grounded. They won’t want to waste their time on trivial matters like your TV being too loud. And isn’t that what life is all about- teaching people to live in the now and not get bogged down by silly things? In a way, you’re giving them a gift. The gift of near death, which technically, is the gift of life. You’re welcome, residents of 27B.