Category Archives: depression

Prick of the Week: The Job Market

This won’t come as a shock to many of you, but the current job market is, to say the least, a tad depressing.

Sadly, the days of enthusiastically applying for a job, getting invited to a civilised interview, being offered the job and then climbing the career ladder are long gone. However, if you like zany questioning techniques, arsy interviewers, depressing jobs, smooching sphincter and minimum wage, you are likely to be loving life.

Even when sourcing jobs, the only companies with lots of vacancies are the organisational equivalent to the kid in school who picked their nose and ate it, and then had their parents up to the Principal every five minutes to ask why they had no friends, i.e. a total prick.

Prickish companies are currently the ones hassling old women into reclaiming mis-sold PPI (which you can do, in exchange for your soul, for minimum wage- Apply today! Free noose with every application!), payday loan suppliers (‘Drug dealer about to kick your door down and scalp your arse dry unless you can reimburse him for that cocaine? Apply today, and use discount code ‘Force25’ for 25% the level of force we will use to beat you to a pulp when you default on the repayments- which you will!’), debt collection agencies (‘Debts piling up with no way out? Well then, we’ll take your other stuff instead, and break your legs for the inconvenience of illiquidity. Cheerio.’) and the fast food industry (any company that makes people wear a novelty hat as part of their uniform deserves to go bust).

And these are the sort of jobs that people are considered lucky to be offered. But that’s after a series of rigorous and demeaning interviews filled with nonsensical processes, such as competency based questions, like, ‘Tell me about a time when you went above and beyond the call of duty in your previous role’ (Honest answer: Never, I am a mediocre employee. Interview Answer: I delivered my heavily pregnant boss’s child while still achieving my sales targets and saving everyone in the office from a fire, which isn’t true, but the reference I supplied you for my boss is actually going to be my drunk friend putting on her very best office voice, and she’ll verify my story).

Sadly, competency based questions are the best of a bad bunch. You might have to endure the embarrassment of a role play scenario in which the interviewer does an impression of a disgruntled client on the phone, to which you have to react to as if you worked there (Honest answer: I usually blame a co-worker and then cry, pretending my dog died that morning. Interview Answer: I’d sort it out efficiently, because repeat business and word-of-mouth is a cost-effective way to achieve growth, blah blah). I bet when you did the role play you made a fake phone shape with your right hand, you berk.

And what if, after all this shite, you get the bloody job and you have to actually start harassing people to sue their employer for a work-related injury as they could be entitled to compensation? That’s where the real fun begins; hoping a bus hits you on your way to work, praying a distant relative dies just so you can have a few hours off to pretend to go to their funeral, weeping on Sunday nights, developing a drinking problem and resenting your dependants for inadvertently making you arse-lick corporate scumbags. Bastards.

So this is why I’m nominating the current job market for Prick of the Week– it’s making lots of people miserable, stressed and unhappy, and until the economy recovers, it isn’t likely to change. But you can. Next time you hate your job, or you’re fucking sick to the back teeth of combing through depressing job vacancies, take it out on someone who caused this by sending a turd in a box to any major banking institution, get your granny to beat a politician with her handbag (old women never get arrested), or compensate yourself with a pay rise by stealing from your employer.

Job market- You are a prick.

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Five Tips To Help You Cope With Stress

From time to time, we all find ourselves feeling a little stressed out. When balancing work pressures, family life, academia, commitments, social life and hobbies, it is normal to feel stressed and unable to cope with the extensive schedules and huge expectations placed upon us today. If you are feeling tired, anxious, withdrawn, sad, or even physically ill, you may be living with stress.

But how do we get rid of these feelings? Unlike physical ailments, it is hard to recognise the need for treatment as symptoms are internal, and others around us cannot comprehend the urgency for change or recuperation, leading to many cases of chronic stress. In this case, there is a need to take yourself out of your current situation, re-evaluate your life, make changes, and start again– in an ideal world. Unfortunately, the majority of stress sufferers are unable to take this time out from their lives, and need time-efficient solutions to lower their stress levels. Here are a few ideas:

Drink Lots of Alcohol

Is it just a coincidence that most drunks are happy, fun types? And those who aren’t are just putting on a front to dissuade you from drinking, meaning more alcohol for them. Drinking an absolute bucketload of alcohol makes you a joy to be around, and your worries will melt away while you dance on a table like a big prostitute. Some people may even give you money to do this, helping you to save up for more alcohol. Remember- avoid a comedown by never ceasing to consume alcohol, as this will make you sad. And don’t worry about losing your job, house and kids, as homeless bums make excellent Christmas miracle stories in seasonal films- hello, new recession-proof career in Hollywood!

Get your Anger Out

Unleashing those demons can be a healthy move for those trying to cope with stress. However, the person (or situation) causing your stress is daunting enough to stress you out as it is- best not rock the boat by speaking to them. Therefore, take your anger out on loved ones or friends, who are probably really worried about you. Alleviate some of your guilt by telling them ‘they deserve it’ so they don’t realise that it’s all about you trying to drag them down to your own, pathetic level. They’ll probably start feeling shit about themselves, and your commitment to their wellbeing will help them be a better person. They’ll thank you later.

Talk About It

If you choose not to mentally abuse your loved ones, you could instead opt to let them in on the reasons you are feeling stressed. But as mentioned previously, it is difficult for others to empathise with a situation they cannot see for themselves, such as a physical ailment, unless they are a mental health professional. Therefore, it may be best to capture their attention with a punchy poem, song or rap about how you’re feeling (e.g. Worried about my mental health, Toyed with the idea of killing myself, Liked the idea of ending it all, But the kids need picked up from football etc. etc. ). Or if you aren’t musically minded, a nice spot of interpretive dance might do the trick.

Think More Positively

The power of positive thinking is grossly underestimated in today’s society- it can move mountains. Well, not really, but it’s pretty decent. For the majority of cases, stress is mind over matter and if you cannot take yourself out of a stressful situation, you can view it in a more positive light as an alternative. For example, if your job is stressing you out, think about your place of work burning to the ground while you laugh like an evil genuis in the car park. If your children are the problem, think about the point in their lives when they, like everyone else, realise that life is nothing but tattered dreams and broken promises. Bastards.

Take Responsibility

If you take responsibility for your stress, you effectively take back the power to change your feelings. You need to ask yourself what you did wrong, or better yet, ask others if they notice a pattern in your behaviour that always leads to the same feelings of stress (i.e. an inability to delegate or a constant need for attention). If you’re stressed about work, confront your boss off the clock so that you two have plenty of time to chat. Perhaps you could call to your boss’s house late at night with a baseball bat and start breaking windows while shouting, ‘What did I ever do to you?’ and weeping copiously. You’ll probably lose your job after this- two birds, one stone.

You’ll have all the time in the world to relax during your life sentence in prison.

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Relaxed Achievement: Getting There and Staying There

Achieving a relaxed state is, ironically, a stressful and difficult process for much of us. With modern technology scooping up any free time, making us more accessible to the outside world and extracting the privacy from our not-so-aptly named private lives- not to mention longer working hours, higher societal demands of performance, appearance and achievement- we are busier and more stressed than the generations before us. Yes, they had it tougher, but our generation is surprisingly whingy.

Not everyone is like this. I live with a man who is more zen-like than Dhalsim from Street Fighter. Stress doesn’t even get near him because his extra long arms and legs just smack it out of the way. Bastard. Shifty priest-bag (sorry, I’m doing my best to give up swearing. As it turns out, it covered up my inability to effectively insult people- drat).

I am, on the other hand, a ball of stress. Seriously, I am a little stresticle hanging limply from Mother Earth (who was a dude in this analogy), wondering if that lump is benign or cancerous. Maybe I should get it checked out. But I’m shitting myself too much to go to the Doctor. Fuckkkkkk. Gosh, darn it, Betty White. Oh god, I really need to curse.

Anyway, because it takes me a while to relax, I know that I have to make a conscious effort to de-stress and achieve relaxation*, whilst still maintaining my daily goals and duties. Here’s how to do it in five delightfully easy steps.

Numero Uno: GOAL IDENTIFICATION

Firstly, to enable relaxation, I must identify the things I want in life. What are my goals and how do I get there? If, like me, you hate yourself and think you are inadequate on every level, this stage is an opportunity for you to commit to completely changing your personality and tossing your old life aside like the sack of crap it is. From the offset, I like to set myself up for failure, and usually decide that as of tomorrow, I am going to ‘be perfect’. Nothing specific, just better and less of a shitty (I’ve heard the word ‘shitty’ on daytime TV before, folks, so it’s staying), disappointing failure. My idea of ‘being perfect’ is achieved by being more productive, thinner, more sassy (not like Fran Drescher), dressing better, being less weak, doing better than I’m doing at everything and generally being less of the crappy mess that I am. But this process also works for other unsustainable and generally doomed-to-failure expectations, such as ‘Cutting Out Carbs’, ‘Training For A Marathon In Twelve Days’, ‘Not Drinking Alcohol For As Long As I Live’ or ‘Fucking Vigorously Disposing of The Cigarettes In The Bin On A Whim And Giving Up For Good’.

In order to be better, you must say goodbye to your old lifestyle in an appropriate and healthy way. No, not by disposing of your old vices and getting a good night’s sleep in preparation for your new life, silly! By overdosing until you’re close to vomitting. If, as of tomorrow, you are no longer smoking cigarettes, smoke as much as possible as a ta-ta to the old you. Smoke twenty cigarette at a time. Smoke your sofa. Your lungs know you’re stopping tomorrow- they don’t mind and know not to get cancer anymore in lieu of stopping for good tomorrow. This is true.

Numero Dos: OPTIMISM

Start off the process with the blind optimism of someone who joins Weightwatchers on New Year’s Day, or Monday thereafter. Deprive yourself massively, you can do it! Change is easy. Push yourself to the brink of tears, and don’t allow yourself any slip-ups. Feel the burn, motherfucker friend.

Remember to optimistically update your Facebook with details of how you are now better than everyone else, usually via the use of inspirational song lyrics. I am rooting for you, serial self-improver. You definately won’t quit this in like, a day.

At this stage, seeing as I usually try ‘being perfect’, I choose to ignore that perfection is unachievable. I do not acknowledge that I have never managed to really achieve any of the individual components of perfection before, let alone them all at once. And here I am, at the gym at 11 p.m. because it’s the only time I’m free to go because I’m busy what with ‘being perfect’ every other waking hour. And some hours that should be allocated for sleep. But this is great, I love the new me. She is so much better than old, ball-sack bastardface inadequate me of yesterday.

If weight loss via starvation is your achievement of choice, then at this stage I would recommend making your diet as unsustainable as possible by just generally being starving and weak all day. Don’t even dream of exercising so that you eat a bit more and feel better. Don’t implement any measures that might make your starvation more bearable, such as a ‘cheat day’ or healthy snacks. Remember that celebrating the small achievements will give you a sense of accomplishment and as such, help to spur you on. Therefore, do not celebrate the small accomplishments. I can’t believe you even let yourself get this out of shape. You don’t have accomplishments, just entities that partially rectify past failures. Focus on those past failures rather than current successes, you twat.

This type of punishing inner dialogue is an excellent source of discontent, spurring you on to keep going even though you are exhausted, weak and miserable. Keep it up!

Numero erm… Tri…o: INSOMNIA

At this point, I am usually pushing myself to the point of exhaustion, but am too stubborn to admit to anyone and keep telling everyone that ‘I love the new me’. Due to my relentless schedule and inability to stop trying to ‘be perfect’ because there is always room for self improvement, not to mention the fact that my body and mind have got used to running on empty, I usually suffer a bout of insomnia. In true ‘being perfect’ style, do I take some sleeping tablets and declutter my life so that I nip my insomnia in the bud? Do I fuck- I use my sleepless nights to carry out the joyless tasks that there weren’t enough hours for me to do during the day. I chuckle superiorly to myself thinking about how much of a non-chump I am by not needing sleep, while typing up my novel entitled ‘Fuck Everyone Who Is Sleeping’, and sinking slowly into insanity.

(Fuck it, the cursing is all I have- no more clean-living charade.)

Numero Quatro, muthafucka: DENIAL

At this stage, loved ones will try to intervene because they are ‘worried about you’. Don’t believe it- it’s just jealousy and lies because they can’t see anyone else be happy. Bunch of bastards.

Everything is going great and you definately aren’t about to burst at the seams and kill yourself or others. This feeling of utter despair is just a test to see how strong you are. You are a shell of your former self and have begun living nocturnally, and it’s likely to that you are a danger to society, but apart from that, you are doing great and everything is fine.

Start living as a recluse.

Numero Five-o: RELAXATION

Have a mental breakdown and go to hospital. Start to wise the fuck up to yourself and realise you may as well be dead if you keep living like this. At this point, I start to binge on all the things I’ve deprived myself through the pursuit of achievement, such as food, alcohol and love. I go out and get pissed and lie in a gutter, happy as a pig in shit on the outside, disgusted and damaged on the inside. I usually do this for about two weeks, until self-loathing starts to creep in. So, there you have it- non-deranged, unabusive, contented relaxation**. Fair enough, you’ve regressed back to a childlike state, and your mother is very worried, but whatevs. At least she’s making you some soup while you watch the TV. This is the life!

*Method cited may not actually provoke relaxation.

**’Relaxation’, in this context, refers to ‘Nervous Breakdown’.

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How To Earn More Money And Get Out Of Debt

We are a nation in debt. I don’t know about you, but I find it hard to cut down on the things I like for the purpose of saving money, because I’m a greedy, materialistic non-entity whose ‘stuff’ defines my existence. Only joking…

Wonderful human being, Martin Lewis has long been flying the flag for Joe Public, in the fight against corporate crime, greed and the age of consumer manipulation. His goal in life is to get us all out of debt and back to a simpler time when money market instruments weren’t designed to extort money from confused individuals, stealing the livelihood of African farmers was not an ‘investment opportunity’ and when buying a house meant you weren’t paying it it off until retirement the sweet release of death. He is a great man.

But unfortunately, his tips to get us saving money and out of debt are all a bit grim. Do I really want to stop buying the same Primark top over and over again? No I don’t, Martin Lewis, because confidence can be bought! Do I really want to cut down on my grocery shopping? No I don’t, Martin Lewis, for I like eating until I vomit! Do I really want to ring the bank to reclaim the PPI they fraudulently added to my loan? No I don’t Martin Lewis, because I can’t be arsed and Geordie Shore is on!

What we need is to be enthusiastic about saving money and getting out of debt- to make the art of frugality a bit more amusing, sociable and fun.

So here are my own non-boring tips to make some extra money and get yourself out of debt:

1. Commit credit card fraud

If you can’t afford to spend on your own credit cards, applying for them fraudulently in someone’s else name not only stimulates our economy, but saves you a fortune. Step one- Open an Excel spreadsheet and title it ‘People I’m Robbing’. Step Two- Rummage through the same bins for months, gathering important and private information about the owner. Step Three- Once enough information has been gathered, apply online like the cowardly thief you are for all sorts of finance. Step Four- Go on a spending spree with your stolen money. Step Five- Get caught. Step Six- Get a friend to cement your arse-crack for your stint in prison.

2. Fake your own death

And say goodbye to debt repayments forever. In addition to being a hilarious prank to play on loved ones, faking your own death cuts down a lot of other everyday expenses too- such as phone bills (because you’ll be dead) and rent (because you’ll be dead). Prior to faking your own death, pick a hereditary illness to later die of, so that your siblings will be shitting themselves and lying awake at night, waiting for the grim reaper- titter! Entertain yourself at your funeral by rolling out of the coffin when someone accidentally gets too close in grief, making your family hoist your lifeless body back in whilst weeping with horror. Then use your coffin as a raft to sail the whole way to Panama. Hello, new life in the sun!

3. Steal from friends and family

If you choose not to fake your own death as you’d miss your loved ones too much, then why not steal from them instead? Stealing from friends and family is an easy and effective way to up your income, mostly because they trust you enough to let you into their homes where you can spend all day deciding what to pawn to Cash Converters in exchange for material items that are more important than your relationships. Heads up: sentimental value means nothing in Cash Converters, so if you’re going to say, steal your Grandmother’s locket, remember to throw out the picture of her with her beloved deceased dog, Tricksy, first.

4. Start playing slot machines

Gambling via slot machines, is a low-risk, high-return way to nurse your pockets back to financial health. And you don’t even need any money to get started. Simply enter any depressing pub, and take your start-up capital right out of the charity box. The children of Africa don’t mind- you need it more than them. Then spend every waking hour of the rest of your life playing Poker with a teletext-style computer. Insider secret: ploughing your meagre winnings back into the machine is a brilliant idea as this maximises your chances of winning even more money. You’ll be rich on your next go, I can feel it.

5. Sell a baby

Self explanatory really. Sell a baby.

6. Become clinically depressed

Being depressed to the extent you cannot get out of bed in the morning is an excellent way to avoid the shops and save some cash. In addition, because you aren’t paying money off your mountain of bills, you’ll be too depressed to answer the door to the balliffs who have come round to kick your fuck in and take your plasma screen. Bingo!

7. Blackmail someone

Besides being an excellent money-maker, blackmail has endless benefits- it helps to develop your interpersonal skills, you can hone your arts and crafts skills by making ransom notes, and you might even make a few friends in the process! Simply stalk someone until you uncover a dirty secret, and then threaten to tout on them. Remember, the art of blackmail is like dancing, you move and your partner reacts for as long as you choose to keep it up. Blackmail- like Zumba, but for cunts.

8. Participate in clinical trials

Clinical trials have long been an effective way for the emotionally damaged to earn some extra money, but us ‘normals’ have never really subscribed because we prefer to have all of our fingers intact, rather than obtain the money to buy a big bag of crack. But, in all honesty, do we really need all those fingers? I, for one, would be glad to cut down the time I take to manicure my nails.

9. Create your own spam e-mail

May I suggest, ‘Greeting frend. I am writing not for donation, but seeking companionship in time difficult to me. You see, my father, Prince Henrik the Second of Pretchovakia, is ill and soon to die. I am heir to throne and estate- you see, I need not the donation and am how your people say ‘heavy of pocket’. I seek lady frendship to talk and have the elbow to cry on. In my country, men talk not of feeling but I am twentyeth century male for new millenium and wish to meet lady to walk long on beach, listen to the Michael Buble and govern nation like Princess. I even pay air travel costs. All I ask is pleasure of getting to know you, such as name, first line of address, postcode, mother’s maiden name, first pet’s name, bank account number, sort code and characters 1 and 5 of your secret answer. Please enclose these details as reply so we can get to know each other. Many hug and more, Steve Henrik the Third’.

Obviously, you can write whatever you want, just made sure you ask the recipient for their private information in a conspicuous and savvy way, as above.

10. Prostitution

Prostitution is an excellent second job. Not only is it a tax-efficient way to make some extra cash, but you can also save on petrol by getting your ‘John’ to drop you off at your next destination, be it your pimp’s hovel, neighbourhood meth clinic or local shop that sells feather boas, ripped tights and other prostitute attire.

So there you have it, folks- ten ways in which you can finally get yourself out of debt and back to the good life. Anyways, I have to cut this one short, the internet is really expensive in Panama and my pimp keeps tapping his watch.

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