Category Archives: Economy

Coping With The Recession- How To Make More Money

As I mentioned many times previously, I’m poor as fuck. Being poor is a nightmare- all of your stuff is old and shit, and when people invite you places, you have to say, ‘I can’t because I’m poor’. This is usually a conversation killer.

However, everyone appears to be in the same boat at the minute because of the bastard economy. My computer knows I’m poor (probably because I type things like, ‘Aldi Online Shopping’ and ‘How To Make A Washing Machine Out Of Old Bric-A-Brac’ into Google) and keeps giving me advertised suggestions that are relevant to my situation. The other day, up flashed an advertisement saying, ‘This man made $15million from the recession! Find out what he’s investing in next at www.capitalistwankers.com! with a picture of his smug bastard face beside it. I wouldn’t like to know what he is investing in next because I have morals, but I would like to know his home address so that I can visit him, bash his testicles in with a baseball bat, hold him down while the entire population of African farmers shit on his face, and then take back our money, livelihood and future. Dickhead.

But my advice is to always be positive. And this means trying to find ways to cope with the recession. This subject is likely to be continued with follow-up posts as I have infinite ways to be thrifty and save cash, having spent £23,000 on travelling during the last 3 years while juggling the act of not having a pot to piss in. But here’s a few to keep you going for now:

Become an Entrepreneur

Even though the recession was in full swing in 2011, the amount of new businesses grew 10% from the previous year. Join these entrepreneurs by becoming your own boss, too. Not sure what to do? It’s easy- identify your talents and sell your skills. For example, if you have lots of children, force them to form a band and start shopping them around as the next Jackson 5. Always making up shit racist/sexist jokes and texting them to your mates while also having the ability to grow quirky facial hair? Become Rufus Hound. Gymnastic experience? Become a burglar in banks from films that have lasers to protect their displays. Someone once told you that your Facebook posts were moderately humorous? Start a blog where you write tidbits of gossip and instructional articles about things you know nothing about, under an arsy name that doesn’t even make sense.

Reclaim

If you ever had a loan or credit card, you may have been missold PPI (Payment Protection Insurance), and you could be entitled to reclaim that money. However, don’t bother printing out a simple letter template (here) and sending it off for the cost of a stamp. Instead, ring 0800WeScrewYou or 0845CallousBastards, or log on to www.PreyingOnOldPeople.com to give them half of your money just for sending that same letter themselves. The best bit is, the cunts charge you in advance to claim, which means you’ll be able to pay back most of the unauthorised overdraft charges they caused with your cut of your reclaimed funds.

Stop Paying Your Tax

Refuse to pay income tax. If HMRC get in touch, promptly point out that Vodafone, Amazon and Arcadia don’t pay their tax so you won’t either. I’m sure that will work out great.

Steal

Stealing stuff is arguably the easiest way to obtain things without having to pay for them, and chances are, if you work for a huge multi-national, you’re stealing from people every day anyway. To ease your guilty conscience, tell yourself that you’re a modern day Robin Hood or one of the youths involved in the London Riots of 2011 who is just frustrated by your stolen future, innit. Then head straight down to the Apple shop and steal a fucking great big Mac for yourself because stuff equals happiness.

Hook

Hooking, known as the world’s oldest profession, has always been an easy way to earn some cash but having a pimp is costly and soon, that greasy £20 note that your John has wiped his nose on will be eaten up by admin fees. Therefore, be your own pimp by getting yourself hooked on drugs, smacking yourself upside the head and shouting ‘Pipe down, bitch!’ and rocking a green snakeskin suit every time you be up in the club, homes. Hey presto- no pimp fees and more money for heroin and crack.

Alternatively, if you don’t want to hook in the traditional sense because the touch of a dirty old man makes you want to cut your skin off, then cut out the middleman (literally) by sawing off one of your hands, sticking a large hook on the end of your bleeding nub, dress up like a pirate and walk around Asda shouting, ‘Arrrr, matey!‘ at little children until a store representative pays you to stay the fuck away. Kerching.

Well, that’s all for today folks, I hope I’ve given you a few ways to save some cash and cope during the recession. I’m off to the hospital to get my nub treated for gangrene. And incase your wondering, I didn’t hook. I sawed my hand off off, fashioned the middle finger into an ‘Up Yours’ and sent to it Rufus Hound for being an absolute prick.

Fuck you, Rufus Hound.

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Prick of the Week: The Job Market

This won’t come as a shock to many of you, but the current job market is, to say the least, a tad depressing.

Sadly, the days of enthusiastically applying for a job, getting invited to a civilised interview, being offered the job and then climbing the career ladder are long gone. However, if you like zany questioning techniques, arsy interviewers, depressing jobs, smooching sphincter and minimum wage, you are likely to be loving life.

Even when sourcing jobs, the only companies with lots of vacancies are the organisational equivalent to the kid in school who picked their nose and ate it, and then had their parents up to the Principal every five minutes to ask why they had no friends, i.e. a total prick.

Prickish companies are currently the ones hassling old women into reclaiming mis-sold PPI (which you can do, in exchange for your soul, for minimum wage- Apply today! Free noose with every application!), payday loan suppliers (‘Drug dealer about to kick your door down and scalp your arse dry unless you can reimburse him for that cocaine? Apply today, and use discount code ‘Force25’ for 25% the level of force we will use to beat you to a pulp when you default on the repayments- which you will!’), debt collection agencies (‘Debts piling up with no way out? Well then, we’ll take your other stuff instead, and break your legs for the inconvenience of illiquidity. Cheerio.’) and the fast food industry (any company that makes people wear a novelty hat as part of their uniform deserves to go bust).

And these are the sort of jobs that people are considered lucky to be offered. But that’s after a series of rigorous and demeaning interviews filled with nonsensical processes, such as competency based questions, like, ‘Tell me about a time when you went above and beyond the call of duty in your previous role’ (Honest answer: Never, I am a mediocre employee. Interview Answer: I delivered my heavily pregnant boss’s child while still achieving my sales targets and saving everyone in the office from a fire, which isn’t true, but the reference I supplied you for my boss is actually going to be my drunk friend putting on her very best office voice, and she’ll verify my story).

Sadly, competency based questions are the best of a bad bunch. You might have to endure the embarrassment of a role play scenario in which the interviewer does an impression of a disgruntled client on the phone, to which you have to react to as if you worked there (Honest answer: I usually blame a co-worker and then cry, pretending my dog died that morning. Interview Answer: I’d sort it out efficiently, because repeat business and word-of-mouth is a cost-effective way to achieve growth, blah blah). I bet when you did the role play you made a fake phone shape with your right hand, you berk.

And what if, after all this shite, you get the bloody job and you have to actually start harassing people to sue their employer for a work-related injury as they could be entitled to compensation? That’s where the real fun begins; hoping a bus hits you on your way to work, praying a distant relative dies just so you can have a few hours off to pretend to go to their funeral, weeping on Sunday nights, developing a drinking problem and resenting your dependants for inadvertently making you arse-lick corporate scumbags. Bastards.

So this is why I’m nominating the current job market for Prick of the Week– it’s making lots of people miserable, stressed and unhappy, and until the economy recovers, it isn’t likely to change. But you can. Next time you hate your job, or you’re fucking sick to the back teeth of combing through depressing job vacancies, take it out on someone who caused this by sending a turd in a box to any major banking institution, get your granny to beat a politician with her handbag (old women never get arrested), or compensate yourself with a pay rise by stealing from your employer.

Job market- You are a prick.

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